I really, really debated whether or not to write this. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my Savior and Heavenly Father more than anything. I know He loves His children. Right now though when I am hurting and dealing with deep grief, sorrow and health issues at times I wonder where He is.
I have spent the last few days trying to figure everything out. I know a lot logically but right now feeling things deep in my heart is a little more challenging. It frustrates me even more because I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, medical insurance and 99.9% of the time I have my faith. It has seen me through so much pain and heartache.
Right now though, I just hurt. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father much like I have by my earthly father. I think part of the problem is that I am projecting my feelings of abandonment from my earthly father to my Heavenly Father. Again I logically know that our Heavenly Father is perfect and won't abandon us but that doesn't mean I don't feel that way right now. I am sharing this because right now this is part of my journey to wholeness: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am also sharing this so maybe someone can read this and not feel so alone. It doesn't help that I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's kind of like a double whammy.
I have gone down a check list of mine when I feel like He is far away. Here are some things on my checklist.
1) Am I praying at least once a day?
2) Do I have any sins I have not taken care of?
3) Am I reading my scriptures?
4) Am I trying to serve others?
5) Am I truly seeking Him with all I have?
The answer to all of these questions, except #2 is yes. So why do I feel this way? I don't quite know.
I know right now that I miss my family with all I have. It goes beyond missing my grandma, although I definitely miss her a lot too. It's hard feeling so alone. Everyone has their families and not only do I not have a husband and children (which is the truest and purest desire of my heart) but I don't have siblings or a mother or father. In saying this it is not to take away in any part of my gratitude and love that I have for my cousin and his family. Or my uncle in Minnesota and my aunt and cousins there. I just wish they lived closer.
When people are stressing about the perfect gift to get someone inside I am screaming that they should just be grateful that they have family. These tumors on my brain have completely broken me down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have never been so utterly exhausted in my life. I really feel like I have nothing left inside.
I really do normally have good coping skills. I guess I still do. I have had to have good coping skills to endure the things I have to in my life. But now those skills seem so grossly inadequate. Who knew mourning the loss of someone you have loved more than anyone else and having two brain tumors and hormonal imbalances could change the whole game of life.
I know there is a lot in mortality we won't understand. Sometimes a lot of things make sense in retrospect, other times they may never make sense. I know this is just a season in my life. A wave of grief and pain that needs to just be ridden out. But I hurt. Oh how I hurt.
I do take great comfort that my Savior pleaded with His Father to remove the bitter cup, yet He always deferred to the will of the Father. I want this time in my life to bring me closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. Sometimes it feels like God is playing hide and seek and it's hard to find Him.
I read today that you need 4 hugs daily for survival, 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Most of the days I get zero. My heart longs to have someone to love and to hug. Touch is my love language. I want so much to have a husband and children to share my life with. I know I won't ever take the blessing of family for granted. I know that I must be whole first. I must heal so I can marry an emotionally healthy man to do so I must be emotionally healthy. I also refuse to pass down unhealthy familial patterns to my children. The pain and abuse stops with me. I know I will be far from a perfect wife or mom. But I also know I will love with all I have.
I hope and pray I feel the Lord closer this upcoming week. The holidays are tough for sure. I want to feel joyful. I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior but right now I would be grateful just to sleep through it to be honest.
This week I have an appointment for counseling and an MRI with contrast of the pituitary gland on the 27th. Then hopefully the endocrinologist got the preauthorization they needed for a more in depth test that has to be done out patient at the hospital. This will measure my cortisol again. Then I have an appointment with Dr. Little, my new neurosurgeon on the 14th of January. They said they would try to get me in sooner. I wish the first neurosurgeon had viewed the MRI and decided it was out of his area of expertise BEFORE I had to go see him and get transferred to another doctor. I truly believe everything happens for a reason but all of this waiting gets frustrating at times.
I have decided since I can't really do much of anything right now that at least I can read self improvement books and push myself to grow in that area. The word I chose for 2014 is LIGHT. I am praying to clear darkness out of my life through the power of light. I hope I can heal in every way possible.
I had no clue last year at this time what a year would bring. I always like things laid out beforehand. In this case though I am so glad I didn't know. It would have been way too overwhelming.
A year ago yesterday, my grandma had broken her shoulder at her assisted living place. It hurt so deeply to know that she had laid there for an hour before someone got to her. She even had one of those life alert bracelets that you push and a nurse comes (well he or she should have). I remember being so grateful that they had taken her off of blood thinners just a few weeks before. If they hadn't she would have bled out. Her nurse saved her life.
After her fall I had a really hard time trusting that her needs would be met. I lived 45 minutes away but tried to come as often as I could to see her. Her hospice nurse was great too. After she was in the hospital they sent her to a rehab place. Her doctor was amazing. He actually called me and told me he had bad news. I remember he asked me if I had someone there with me and my answer was no. Again I had to face this alone. He told me her blood work showed that her body was not producing enough protein. She had a hard time breathing before that and would aspirate on just water. It was heartbreaking to see someone that I love hurt that much. I knew at least when I lived with her that I was right there if she fell or wasn't eating or needed anything. The last two years before I put her into assisted living, I was afraid to even go get groceries in fear that she would fall. Her doctor told me she had 1 to 3 months to live.
I heard the words and knew they were coming but those words were so hard to hear. Then I thought about how she had a stroke, a mini stroke, a heart attack, a kidney infection that made her hallucinate and had to have her gallbladder removed in just a year and a half's worth of time. She was one tough cookie. She had 12 inches of her colon removed in 2006 after she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a stroke that year too. She had tuberculosis as a child. She also almost died when her appendix ruptured. She was so sick and in a coma with that one. It was before my mom was even born.
When I saw her in the rehab my heart just broke. She had been in so many following all of her health issues. This one though was so dark and depressing. When I saw her on the 23rd, she told me how hard it was for her there. I always tried to be a good advocate for her. I talked to her doctor to see if we could get her out of there before Christmas. He agreed but only if she went on hospice. She was so happy to get out of there that hospice sounded just fine to her.
Her wonderful doctor made arrangements to get her out of there the next day which was Christmas Eve. I felt like I sprung her from jail. She was so happy.
We were able to eat Christmas dinner together at her assisted living place. She was in amazing spirits and her pain tolerance is incredible. I wish I had inherited that from her. She was all decked out in her Christmas sweater and all smiles. I am so glad I have that as one of my last memories of her.
She asked me if hospice meant she was dying. I didn't want to lie to her but at the same time there was no point in my opinion of telling her she had 1 to 3 months to live. So I told her no one knew when she would die but God. That this was just a little extra help she needed.
At the time though I didn't realize how much I needed the help! I am so grateful for her hospice nurse Juls who was there for me. I am grateful that at the end I insisted that they admit her to hospice even just to keep her comfortable. She had gotten so dehydrated. I still talk occasionally to the grief counselor there. She has helped me a lot.
I know this is her first year truly home for Christmas. She is there with all of her loved ones. I just miss her here on earth sometimes. Hopefully by next year my heart will feel a little less heavy and I won't hurt as much as I do. At least I still have hope.
Just for today I choose joy, even if I have to create my own!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Light
These past few weeks have been crazy. I don't think I realized before how much fear I have inside of me. I got really sick last week and because of the low cortisol it could have been really dangerous. I finally decided to go to the ER. This time though I drove all the way out to St. Joe's since they are connected to Barrow out there. I had gotten tired of other ERs treating me like garbage.
When I got there I was running a fever. I also had every sign of menengitis. I hate needles. Needles hate me too because my veins are pretty hard to get. As the doctor evaluates me he decides I need a spinal tap. What!?! You want to stick a needle in my back. I didn't like that idea for obvious reasons. It was in the middle of the night, I was in the middle of Phoenix and I felt completely alone.
Feeling alone is honestly the worse feeling I experience. It's hard not having a family. I am super grateful for my Minnesota family and the blessing they have been to me but obviously they live way too far away to be able to actually be at the hospital. I also love my cousin but Sparks, Nevada is too far away too.
So I did what I always do. I prayed. I was grateful at this hospital that they at least took the fact that I struggle with anxiety into account. They gave me something to calm me down and did a good job managing my pain. The first lumbar puncture didn't work. I really couldn't believe it. I was so worried about having it done once and now I had to have it done twice.
It took awhile for them to get a specialist to do it so I had more time to wait and pray. I prayed I would feel my family on the other side of the veil around me. This may sound like an odd request but I have lately been reminded about how much of a part they still have in our lives. Those eternal roles never fade. I did feel them with me. The doctors also discovered the reason they couldn't get a sample, I have scoliosis. This is on top of having three herniated discs in my lower back. No wonder I have been in so much pain.
Sadly I had to cancel the MRI I was suppose to have that day because, although I didn't have menengitis I sure had something that was causing awful symptoms and a fever. Now I have to wait until the 27th to get in to get the MRI of just the pituitary gland with contrast. I know everything happens for a reason though and I am trying to be patient.
This has definitely been a challenging time in life for me. Christmas coming up doesn't make it any easier. Of course the main reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ (even though He wasn't born in December) but family is a close second. My heart has longed for family ever since I was a child. I chose to major in Human and Family Development because besides my Savior I love children and families the most. I believe in the importance of families. I just wish I had someone here to depend on.
It's definitely a different season in my life. I don't really feel at home where I live. It doesn't help that they have been doing home improvements for the past two very long months. I already have migraines daily from the two tumors and putting up with this has been ridiculous. I didn't sleep much last night because they were pounding away at 2 in the morning and their house is 10 feet at the most away from mine. I guess the Lord really is trying to teach me patience. I have tried talking to them about it but to no avail.
I also decided to set new goals and get a head start on 2014 which WILL be a better year than 2013. This past year the word I chose to focus on was joy. This year the word is light. I want to do more things that invite more light into my life. Thinking about that very thing I decided that I would start December 1st, my goal to not eat or drink refined sugar. I am focusing on more covert sugars like candy, pop, cookies, brownies, really anything that sounds oh so yummy to me right now. I am 11 days into it so far and I have done really well. I haven't slipped up even once. I did it for a year with chocolate and now I am praying I can do it for a year with sugar.
I also set a goal to read all of the scriptures in a year's time. I have time right now to do that and I don't want to waste the time I have. Even though if I am 100% honest I wouldn't mind fast forwarding through this time in my life. I love the scriptures and I know they will give me more strength with whatever I face.
I am learning to let go of fear. I am learning to trust in the Lord more fully. I am learning that the law of heaven is abundance and not scarcity. I am learning that He truly will provide for me in seen and unseen ways. It's still a bit hard since I can't work right now. Half the time I am too sick to even get out of bed. But I know this is temporary and I pray that I can learn the things I need to and move on to better things. Anxiety and fear is definitely generational in my family. My grandma struggled with anxiety horribly although she never had panic attacks like I do or the nightmares. My mom struggled with it too and it invoked a lot of fear in me. I hope and pray I have children and when I do I don't want them growing up in fear. It has held me back from so much!
So 2014 will hopefully be a year where I can let go of even more fear. So many people say I am doing a great job handling this trial. I sure don't feel like it sometimes. I am very grateful for answers though as to why I have felt so awful and so exhausted for such a long period of time. This is definitely a season of answers.
I am focusing a lot on eating healthier. My body, mind and spirit need better fuel. I haven't always been kind to my body. Now I am forced to take care of myself. It's hard for me when I am so use to putting everyone else's needs above my own. It's just so natural to me. But only I can take care of my body. I want to be a wise steward over it. If I keep up the things I am doing I am confident that next year at this time and probably actually a lot sooner I will be at my ideal weight and it will be a lifestyle change that I can keep up. I will be releasing a lot of issues along with the weight.
Although I never would have chosen this time and season in my life I can decide what attitude I have and how I am going to face it. I can live in faith or live in fear. I have spent my whole life living in fear. It's time to choose something else. I choose faith! Just for today I choose joy by facing life with light and faith!
When I got there I was running a fever. I also had every sign of menengitis. I hate needles. Needles hate me too because my veins are pretty hard to get. As the doctor evaluates me he decides I need a spinal tap. What!?! You want to stick a needle in my back. I didn't like that idea for obvious reasons. It was in the middle of the night, I was in the middle of Phoenix and I felt completely alone.
Feeling alone is honestly the worse feeling I experience. It's hard not having a family. I am super grateful for my Minnesota family and the blessing they have been to me but obviously they live way too far away to be able to actually be at the hospital. I also love my cousin but Sparks, Nevada is too far away too.
So I did what I always do. I prayed. I was grateful at this hospital that they at least took the fact that I struggle with anxiety into account. They gave me something to calm me down and did a good job managing my pain. The first lumbar puncture didn't work. I really couldn't believe it. I was so worried about having it done once and now I had to have it done twice.
It took awhile for them to get a specialist to do it so I had more time to wait and pray. I prayed I would feel my family on the other side of the veil around me. This may sound like an odd request but I have lately been reminded about how much of a part they still have in our lives. Those eternal roles never fade. I did feel them with me. The doctors also discovered the reason they couldn't get a sample, I have scoliosis. This is on top of having three herniated discs in my lower back. No wonder I have been in so much pain.
Sadly I had to cancel the MRI I was suppose to have that day because, although I didn't have menengitis I sure had something that was causing awful symptoms and a fever. Now I have to wait until the 27th to get in to get the MRI of just the pituitary gland with contrast. I know everything happens for a reason though and I am trying to be patient.
This has definitely been a challenging time in life for me. Christmas coming up doesn't make it any easier. Of course the main reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ (even though He wasn't born in December) but family is a close second. My heart has longed for family ever since I was a child. I chose to major in Human and Family Development because besides my Savior I love children and families the most. I believe in the importance of families. I just wish I had someone here to depend on.
It's definitely a different season in my life. I don't really feel at home where I live. It doesn't help that they have been doing home improvements for the past two very long months. I already have migraines daily from the two tumors and putting up with this has been ridiculous. I didn't sleep much last night because they were pounding away at 2 in the morning and their house is 10 feet at the most away from mine. I guess the Lord really is trying to teach me patience. I have tried talking to them about it but to no avail.
I also decided to set new goals and get a head start on 2014 which WILL be a better year than 2013. This past year the word I chose to focus on was joy. This year the word is light. I want to do more things that invite more light into my life. Thinking about that very thing I decided that I would start December 1st, my goal to not eat or drink refined sugar. I am focusing on more covert sugars like candy, pop, cookies, brownies, really anything that sounds oh so yummy to me right now. I am 11 days into it so far and I have done really well. I haven't slipped up even once. I did it for a year with chocolate and now I am praying I can do it for a year with sugar.
I also set a goal to read all of the scriptures in a year's time. I have time right now to do that and I don't want to waste the time I have. Even though if I am 100% honest I wouldn't mind fast forwarding through this time in my life. I love the scriptures and I know they will give me more strength with whatever I face.
I am learning to let go of fear. I am learning to trust in the Lord more fully. I am learning that the law of heaven is abundance and not scarcity. I am learning that He truly will provide for me in seen and unseen ways. It's still a bit hard since I can't work right now. Half the time I am too sick to even get out of bed. But I know this is temporary and I pray that I can learn the things I need to and move on to better things. Anxiety and fear is definitely generational in my family. My grandma struggled with anxiety horribly although she never had panic attacks like I do or the nightmares. My mom struggled with it too and it invoked a lot of fear in me. I hope and pray I have children and when I do I don't want them growing up in fear. It has held me back from so much!
So 2014 will hopefully be a year where I can let go of even more fear. So many people say I am doing a great job handling this trial. I sure don't feel like it sometimes. I am very grateful for answers though as to why I have felt so awful and so exhausted for such a long period of time. This is definitely a season of answers.
I am focusing a lot on eating healthier. My body, mind and spirit need better fuel. I haven't always been kind to my body. Now I am forced to take care of myself. It's hard for me when I am so use to putting everyone else's needs above my own. It's just so natural to me. But only I can take care of my body. I want to be a wise steward over it. If I keep up the things I am doing I am confident that next year at this time and probably actually a lot sooner I will be at my ideal weight and it will be a lifestyle change that I can keep up. I will be releasing a lot of issues along with the weight.
Although I never would have chosen this time and season in my life I can decide what attitude I have and how I am going to face it. I can live in faith or live in fear. I have spent my whole life living in fear. It's time to choose something else. I choose faith! Just for today I choose joy by facing life with light and faith!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The Blizzards of our Lives
I was thinking about this time in my life and trying to find a good comparison with it. I was taken back many Thanksgivings ago to a small town in Utah. My friend and I had driven down from Utah to Arizona. That trip was great. The weather was beautiful, I wasn't driving alone, we had a great road trip. I had a wonderful visit with friends and my grandma in Arizona and we were headed back to Utah. This time he decided to take a truck back and also took a friend back too. I was worried when there was snow in St. George. This Arizona girl does not know how to drive in snow. I had driven in a little bit of snow locally in Provo but certainly never in a storm.
Off we were on the way home. I was driving my 2000 Dodge Intrepid, he was in an old truck. He assured me that he would stay ahead of me and I could follow. That was great until the blizzard hit. When I mean blizzard I mean absolute white out. There were many cars on the side of the road. I was terrified to say the least. As I was praying it became abundantly clear to me, we would not be making it home that night.
Somehow I had gotten in front of him and had made the decision to turn off on the I-70. To make it worse he could text but could not call. I could call but could not text. I had to call one of my friends and tell him what to text. Then he would have to call me and read the texts. I am so grateful for the calmness of my friend doing this. I told him I was going to likely die in the storm. He assured me I wasn't. Still I was scared. I had a prayer in my heart the entire time.
When I got off the off ramp there were even more cars on the side of the road. I wanted to stop and help but I was afraid if I did my car would slide off too. I thought about stopping and waiting for my friend but that didn't feel right either. So I drove and came to Richfield, Utah. I ended up getting the last room in one of the last hotels. I was then concerned about my friends.
His truck had slid and got luckily he hit a delineator pole that kept him from going any further. Some great people stopped and picked them up. He and his friend did end up getting everything taken from the back of the truck but they had their lives.
Today one of my friends emailed me and said he was in the middle of the storm and I sent a message back that said the Lord is with Him even through the blizzards of life. Then he sent me a message back that said the blizzards of life are worth it when you know you are going home.
That message hit me and made me reevaluate my life. Had I lost sense of where I am really going? Had I forgotten that this earth is not my home? That there are trials me must pass through to get to the other side? I think I did. Luckily I have amazing people in my life to help me when I get a little (or sometimes a lot) off track. We all have those moments where our eternal vision may get cataracts.
I know our Heavenly Father and Savior are there through those blizzards in our lives. Through the times that we are panicky, feel overwhelmed and full of fear. Those times in life where we are holding on to the steering wheel so tightly praying we don't crash. He is there in the storm and through the storm.
The storms will pass. Winter will eventually turn into spring. But it is essential for our growth that we go through the seasons in life. We can't fast forward a season we don't like. We can learn to be patient and appreciate the blessings we do have in our lives. Every season has something beautiful.
I remember driving in snow after that. After that experience I was not nearly as terrified. I would never wish to go through another blizzard again like that. Yet I know if I do physically again the Lord will still be with me. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the eternal perspective and what really lays ahead.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
On Those Many Sleepless Night
Tonight hasn't been the first time I have lost sleep. This week has been pretty crazy. My landlords are remodeling their house and it sounds like they are building Noah's ark. I had a migraine all day and now I am wired for some reason. But I am really trying to find purpose in all of these sleepless nights.
This season in my life has been pretty crazy. I am so grateful that the doctor found the tumors. There are actually 2 on my pituitary gland. Honestly they may have told me multiple tumors when they told me the results but I kind of zoned out after neurosurgeon. I am so blessed that they are tiny.
Throughout this time I have been crying out to the Lord beginning Him just to heal it and take it all away. I know He has the power to do so and have seen it so many times in my life. This time He told me that He won't rob me of the learning experience. I have told Him many times that I just want the "old me back". No, God is never satisfied with that. Like I always say He tends to upgrade. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis:
This season in my life has been pretty crazy. I am so grateful that the doctor found the tumors. There are actually 2 on my pituitary gland. Honestly they may have told me multiple tumors when they told me the results but I kind of zoned out after neurosurgeon. I am so blessed that they are tiny.
Throughout this time I have been crying out to the Lord beginning Him just to heal it and take it all away. I know He has the power to do so and have seen it so many times in my life. This time He told me that He won't rob me of the learning experience. I have told Him many times that I just want the "old me back". No, God is never satisfied with that. Like I always say He tends to upgrade. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis:
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
I wish I understood all of the whys in life but if I did I would never trust fully. Trust is not my strong suit but I am learning. Truly the Lord never fails.
As a quick word of advice learn patience before God teaches it to you. Life is much more blissful that way. But somehow I know, in each of our lives, the Lord has a way of refining and tutoring us in ways we couldn't imagine. I've spent years treading water when He wanted me to float. I spent years trying to solve my problems without fully involving Him. There has never been a time that I can remember when I stopped praying. I have my whole life. However, there are times when I have walked through darkness and my spirit longs for the light. He is there. He always has been. Through the good and the bad. But when I take time to slow down and listen I can discern more what He would have me learn. I am hoping I learn quicker. The irony that I am learning patience and yet I wish I could learn it faster is pretty hilarious. Just for today I choose joy through trusting Him through these sleepless nights
and even longer accompanying days. I trust His plan. I will let it unfold in His timing. In His way.
Of course I will be as proactive as I can be but that will only get me so far. I love the scripture that talks about doing all that we can and then standing still and trusting in the Lord. That's all I can do. That's all ANY of us can do. I can't control anything but my attitude. I can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy. Just for today I choose to find joy through the good and through the bad. I choose to be grateful even through these long nights.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thanksgiving
I couldn't let this month end without talking about Thanksgiving and the power of gratitude in our lives. This has been an interesting year for me. I have faced the death of my grandma and health issues I never thought I would. But I have learned more than ever before the power in being grateful. I have seen incredible blessings and answers to prayers.
Years ago, my friend and I would play what I called, "The Happy Game". Basically if something went wrong we would say 5 things that could have happened that would have been worse. I did this recently. I was amazed at all of the things I could find to be grateful for. I know the Lord loves a grateful heart ad I am working harder to express and be more grateful.
I now realize how truly blessed I am. I have deep faith in a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me personally. I have the power of blessings in my life and scriptures and prayer. I have people who love and care about me and see my needs. I am grateful for every experience I have had in my life. The bitter and the sweet ones.
So instead of trying to find the fast forward button through this season in life. (I have tried, trust me when I say it doesn't exist.) I will find JOY. I will be GRATEFUL. I will understand that the Lord is preparing me for eternity and some bumps and bruises are all part of what I signed up for.
Normally I set goals on the 1st of the year. This year I am doing it a bit differently. I decided to start December 1st. I am going off sugar, eating vegetables and fruits and basically redoing and rethinking everything in my life. I am also going to read the standard works in one year. Anyone want to do this with me? I am excited for change.
I am going to work harder in this year to be grateful. To not forget how much the Lord has blessed me with. To find joy amid the junk in life. Just for today I choose joy by choosing to be grateful.
Years ago, my friend and I would play what I called, "The Happy Game". Basically if something went wrong we would say 5 things that could have happened that would have been worse. I did this recently. I was amazed at all of the things I could find to be grateful for. I know the Lord loves a grateful heart ad I am working harder to express and be more grateful.
I now realize how truly blessed I am. I have deep faith in a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me personally. I have the power of blessings in my life and scriptures and prayer. I have people who love and care about me and see my needs. I am grateful for every experience I have had in my life. The bitter and the sweet ones.
So instead of trying to find the fast forward button through this season in life. (I have tried, trust me when I say it doesn't exist.) I will find JOY. I will be GRATEFUL. I will understand that the Lord is preparing me for eternity and some bumps and bruises are all part of what I signed up for.
Normally I set goals on the 1st of the year. This year I am doing it a bit differently. I decided to start December 1st. I am going off sugar, eating vegetables and fruits and basically redoing and rethinking everything in my life. I am also going to read the standard works in one year. Anyone want to do this with me? I am excited for change.
I am going to work harder in this year to be grateful. To not forget how much the Lord has blessed me with. To find joy amid the junk in life. Just for today I choose joy by choosing to be grateful.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Our Priorities In Life And The Lessons I Am Learning And Ramblings
*If you are not a member of the LDS church I realize some of the terminology may be confusing. I welcome questions so please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I promise I have pretty much heard it all and it won't offend me.*
I am struggling A LOT with dropping my classes this semester. I know there will be financial consequences and for awhile I really thought maybe I could make it through my classes somehow. I prayed a lot about it and the answer was to get a medical withdraw this semester. That was not the answer I wanted but I know right now I can't concentrate to save my life which is frustrating at times.
As I was praying about this the scripture from the Pearl of Great Price hit me (thank you scripture masteries from Seminary) in Moses where it says, "This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The Spirit hit me SO hard when it whispered,"If that is how important my work is to me, what makes you think it is any less important for you to focus on that?" This may not make sense to some but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.
We forget so often that we are human beings not human doings. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that my worth isn't tied to what I am doing. I know the Lord expects great things from me. I know that I am capable of great things but right now He is teaching me that nothing matters more than my identity as His daughter. Not finally graduating from ASU (seriously 2 classes college algebra and a science and society class they tacked on). Not doing research. Not a calling in church. Nothing matters more than our identity as children of God.
It is hard to focus right now on me. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mom and then my grandma. But I am learning that I need to focus on my needs and that's not selfish. If I want to help the most people I have to be healthy myself. And no one can fulfill my mission in life. No one can fulfill yours.
So for now I will focus on healing my body. As reminded by some of my amazing friends, I have to really focus on eating healthy and walking every day.
I don't know what lays ahead right now. Am I nervous? I would be lying if I didn't say I do have some anxiety. But lately peace has come easier than before and I am SO grateful!
I am learning about patience and being still which is another hard lesson for me. It's frustrating working with doctor appointments and having blood drawn when my veins don't like to cooperate.
I have realized early on in this battle if I do not keep an eternal perspective I will fall apart! I really will. I have to have faith that the Lord can use even this to bless my life and hopefully others' lives. That this will build in me greater trust and faith in the Lord.
I really felt prompted to start this blog when I did. I will admit though lately I have struggled with being vulnerable and so open. But I think that vulnerability is beautiful in others. I also want my story to give others hope and make them not feel so alone.
Life can be challenging. I always think I want to see the whole path laid out but the more I thought about it, I don't think I would want that. A year ago my grandma was still alive. She seemed invincible to me. She had survived countless strokes, mini strokes and heart attacks and beat colon cancer at 86! I am glad I didn't know that the time with her on earth would soon be coming to a close.
I am glad I didn't know that I had this tumor on my brain back then. My grandma would worry far too much about it if she knew. Although now I am so grateful to get answers as to why I feel so yucky.
Life is a profound journey of faith. But like the scriptures say I know in whom I trust. I trust in the Lord. I feel Him near me. On the days that seem unbearable, He is there. On the great days, He is there. He always has been and always will be.
Whatever it is you are going through in your life, please have hope that it will get better. God keeps His promises! He has promised me many things that have not happened yet in my life and I know He always delivers. So I have faith that in His timing and His way all things will work together for my good.
I remember leaving my grandma's assisted living place on the way to a baptism of my dear friend Casey. Ironically I had met Casey when she was my nurse's aid in the hospital. She had felt peace in my room and we exchanged numbers. It was such a blessing to be there as she took the lessons and to be there at her baptism and sing was amazing!
On the way I thought of the contrast, I knew my grandma was going to be dying soon (and she did less than a week later). I was also so overcome with joy that my friends was joining the church. It reminded me of my own baptism many years earlier.
In the car as I was driving and struggling with the impending death of my gram, the Spirit whispered to me, "ALL things work together your good because you love me. Debbie, what part of ALL don't you understand?" Oh how powerful that moment was. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. What part of ALL wasn't I understanding? Did I really not have enough faith to know that this was all part of the plan?
So now as I go through this I truly do have a testimony that ALL means just what it says. We may not understand WHY things happen in our lives. And if you are anything like me you want to know why. But we can have assurance that ALL will work together for our good. EVERYTHING! That is the power of the atonement. Just for today I choose JOY because ALL things will work together for my good. This tumor is only temporary. These issues with ASU are temporary. Financial concerns are temporary. Who He is building to me is ETERNAL! Who He is building you to be is ETERNAL. So with the set backs in life remember you are a precious, loved son or daughter of God!
I am struggling A LOT with dropping my classes this semester. I know there will be financial consequences and for awhile I really thought maybe I could make it through my classes somehow. I prayed a lot about it and the answer was to get a medical withdraw this semester. That was not the answer I wanted but I know right now I can't concentrate to save my life which is frustrating at times.
As I was praying about this the scripture from the Pearl of Great Price hit me (thank you scripture masteries from Seminary) in Moses where it says, "This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The Spirit hit me SO hard when it whispered,"If that is how important my work is to me, what makes you think it is any less important for you to focus on that?" This may not make sense to some but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.
We forget so often that we are human beings not human doings. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that my worth isn't tied to what I am doing. I know the Lord expects great things from me. I know that I am capable of great things but right now He is teaching me that nothing matters more than my identity as His daughter. Not finally graduating from ASU (seriously 2 classes college algebra and a science and society class they tacked on). Not doing research. Not a calling in church. Nothing matters more than our identity as children of God.
It is hard to focus right now on me. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mom and then my grandma. But I am learning that I need to focus on my needs and that's not selfish. If I want to help the most people I have to be healthy myself. And no one can fulfill my mission in life. No one can fulfill yours.
So for now I will focus on healing my body. As reminded by some of my amazing friends, I have to really focus on eating healthy and walking every day.
I don't know what lays ahead right now. Am I nervous? I would be lying if I didn't say I do have some anxiety. But lately peace has come easier than before and I am SO grateful!
I am learning about patience and being still which is another hard lesson for me. It's frustrating working with doctor appointments and having blood drawn when my veins don't like to cooperate.
I have realized early on in this battle if I do not keep an eternal perspective I will fall apart! I really will. I have to have faith that the Lord can use even this to bless my life and hopefully others' lives. That this will build in me greater trust and faith in the Lord.
I really felt prompted to start this blog when I did. I will admit though lately I have struggled with being vulnerable and so open. But I think that vulnerability is beautiful in others. I also want my story to give others hope and make them not feel so alone.
Life can be challenging. I always think I want to see the whole path laid out but the more I thought about it, I don't think I would want that. A year ago my grandma was still alive. She seemed invincible to me. She had survived countless strokes, mini strokes and heart attacks and beat colon cancer at 86! I am glad I didn't know that the time with her on earth would soon be coming to a close.
I am glad I didn't know that I had this tumor on my brain back then. My grandma would worry far too much about it if she knew. Although now I am so grateful to get answers as to why I feel so yucky.
Life is a profound journey of faith. But like the scriptures say I know in whom I trust. I trust in the Lord. I feel Him near me. On the days that seem unbearable, He is there. On the great days, He is there. He always has been and always will be.
Whatever it is you are going through in your life, please have hope that it will get better. God keeps His promises! He has promised me many things that have not happened yet in my life and I know He always delivers. So I have faith that in His timing and His way all things will work together for my good.
I remember leaving my grandma's assisted living place on the way to a baptism of my dear friend Casey. Ironically I had met Casey when she was my nurse's aid in the hospital. She had felt peace in my room and we exchanged numbers. It was such a blessing to be there as she took the lessons and to be there at her baptism and sing was amazing!
On the way I thought of the contrast, I knew my grandma was going to be dying soon (and she did less than a week later). I was also so overcome with joy that my friends was joining the church. It reminded me of my own baptism many years earlier.
In the car as I was driving and struggling with the impending death of my gram, the Spirit whispered to me, "ALL things work together your good because you love me. Debbie, what part of ALL don't you understand?" Oh how powerful that moment was. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. What part of ALL wasn't I understanding? Did I really not have enough faith to know that this was all part of the plan?
So now as I go through this I truly do have a testimony that ALL means just what it says. We may not understand WHY things happen in our lives. And if you are anything like me you want to know why. But we can have assurance that ALL will work together for our good. EVERYTHING! That is the power of the atonement. Just for today I choose JOY because ALL things will work together for my good. This tumor is only temporary. These issues with ASU are temporary. Financial concerns are temporary. Who He is building to me is ETERNAL! Who He is building you to be is ETERNAL. So with the set backs in life remember you are a precious, loved son or daughter of God!
Friday, October 25, 2013
How do I even get caught up?
I mean both on this blog and in everything in my life. Where do I even start? I guess I will start with my conference thoughts. I needed this general conference so very much. I knew it at the time, but I knew it even more the week after. I was disciplined and watched all four 2 hour sessions at the time they were broadcast. I felt so spiritually hungry much like how physically hungry we feel on Thanksgiving excited for the treats that await us. I am going to do more blog posts about conference because some of the talks I want to explore in depth. In fact, I will likely take a talk a post and discuss it and some quotes from it. For now I will talk a bit about what happened the week after general conference.
I had been sick for awhile. I had the coughing junk that went around but that I was use to. I knew the protocol and I knew that whether I took medication or not prescribed by a doctor it wouldn't stop the duration of asthmatic bronchitis. Instead I used what I had on hand and made it through that. I am very grateful that had cleared up.
Then I started having pretty severe pain no matter what I ate. It was so bad that it hurt if I ate jello. It got so unbearable I went to the doctor's office. I was so dehydrated that my pulse was over 130. The doctor sent me straight to the ER. This isn't the first time it has happened either. I, in my not so infinite wisdom, refused to go to Chandler Regional and was on my way to Gilbert Hospital when I had a complete tire blow out. Again. Seriously this is the 3rd tire in a year what on earth is wrong with my car? I called a sweet friend and we left my car in the parking lot at Walgreens and off to the hospital we went.
After much testing they found 2 things wrong with me and started me on antibiotics. One of the things was pretty serious and my doctor the next day was livid that they hadn't kept me at the hospital but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason! It really does! In fact, if I had gone to Chandler Regional which is right by my doctor's office, and they had released me late at night, it would have been 3 or 4 in the morning and I would have had a flat tire. There are always blessings to be found.
The next day my heart rate was still high. Even after 2 bags of IV fluids. My doctor decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. To make a long story short I was there Tuesday through Saturday night. They did a test and found my cortisol level to be low. I have had issues with my adrenal glands as long as I can remember. It happens with stress and anxiety and let's just say from birth to now I have had a lot to deal with. They did an MRI or CT scan (I can't remember) and they found a tumor on my brain in my pitutitary gland.
So now I am on steroids (which makes it super challenging since they make me so sick), I have a handful of referals to an endocrinologist, neurosurgeon and neurologist. All this while trying to deal with the pain from endo and also healing from the loss of my grandma.
But I feel blessed they found it. It could be so much worse. It can ALWAYS be so much worse. I believe I had to be in the hospital for them to do this cortisol test. It was challenging because I hate being poked with needles. Hate it. But for this test which they repeated twice I had to be poked 3 times each time. According to a sweet nurse, my veins are like sheet metal. It was always a challenge to get the blood and my IVs kept not working right either so they had to change it out 3 times.
I am so grateful for those who came to visit me while I was in the hospital. And for all those who have shown love since then. I had felt so alone after losing my grandma. It was a blessing to have people who truly care about me there for me. I have been indeed blessed with many angels in my life and I hope to attract more good people in my life. There has been a definite shift in my life and I am grateful for those who have stood by me and loved me at my worst.
I also found out during this same time that my ex fiance, Jeremy, got married to someone he knew for a month online and then 2 days in person. I have so many mixed feelings there. Domestic violence is a complicated issue. I love him as a son of God but obviously not romantically at all. I have a heart that sees the good in everyone and minimizes the bad. I believe we are all a little (some more than a little) broken. I wish him the best. I will also be very careful who I give my heart to next time. If it's not right and the Lord doesn't approve, I know I won't ever be fully happy. As for J, I wish him the best. I hope he chooses to change his life and spread light in the world. It's truly not in me to hate anyone. I hate what he did but I can't hate him. I am grateful that one day I will marry a man who loves me fully and who I love fully. I pray every day to live worthy of the man who will one day become my husband. As cheesy as it sounds I love him already. I feel it will be a beautiful reunion when it happens. And having gone through the bitter experiences I have has just made me appreciate the sweet even more. My future husband will be adored, loved, appreciated and so much more. I know one day an eternity with him will make all of these trials worth it. I just wish today was that day.
I had been sick for awhile. I had the coughing junk that went around but that I was use to. I knew the protocol and I knew that whether I took medication or not prescribed by a doctor it wouldn't stop the duration of asthmatic bronchitis. Instead I used what I had on hand and made it through that. I am very grateful that had cleared up.
Then I started having pretty severe pain no matter what I ate. It was so bad that it hurt if I ate jello. It got so unbearable I went to the doctor's office. I was so dehydrated that my pulse was over 130. The doctor sent me straight to the ER. This isn't the first time it has happened either. I, in my not so infinite wisdom, refused to go to Chandler Regional and was on my way to Gilbert Hospital when I had a complete tire blow out. Again. Seriously this is the 3rd tire in a year what on earth is wrong with my car? I called a sweet friend and we left my car in the parking lot at Walgreens and off to the hospital we went.
After much testing they found 2 things wrong with me and started me on antibiotics. One of the things was pretty serious and my doctor the next day was livid that they hadn't kept me at the hospital but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason! It really does! In fact, if I had gone to Chandler Regional which is right by my doctor's office, and they had released me late at night, it would have been 3 or 4 in the morning and I would have had a flat tire. There are always blessings to be found.
The next day my heart rate was still high. Even after 2 bags of IV fluids. My doctor decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. To make a long story short I was there Tuesday through Saturday night. They did a test and found my cortisol level to be low. I have had issues with my adrenal glands as long as I can remember. It happens with stress and anxiety and let's just say from birth to now I have had a lot to deal with. They did an MRI or CT scan (I can't remember) and they found a tumor on my brain in my pitutitary gland.
So now I am on steroids (which makes it super challenging since they make me so sick), I have a handful of referals to an endocrinologist, neurosurgeon and neurologist. All this while trying to deal with the pain from endo and also healing from the loss of my grandma.
But I feel blessed they found it. It could be so much worse. It can ALWAYS be so much worse. I believe I had to be in the hospital for them to do this cortisol test. It was challenging because I hate being poked with needles. Hate it. But for this test which they repeated twice I had to be poked 3 times each time. According to a sweet nurse, my veins are like sheet metal. It was always a challenge to get the blood and my IVs kept not working right either so they had to change it out 3 times.
I am so grateful for those who came to visit me while I was in the hospital. And for all those who have shown love since then. I had felt so alone after losing my grandma. It was a blessing to have people who truly care about me there for me. I have been indeed blessed with many angels in my life and I hope to attract more good people in my life. There has been a definite shift in my life and I am grateful for those who have stood by me and loved me at my worst.
I also found out during this same time that my ex fiance, Jeremy, got married to someone he knew for a month online and then 2 days in person. I have so many mixed feelings there. Domestic violence is a complicated issue. I love him as a son of God but obviously not romantically at all. I have a heart that sees the good in everyone and minimizes the bad. I believe we are all a little (some more than a little) broken. I wish him the best. I will also be very careful who I give my heart to next time. If it's not right and the Lord doesn't approve, I know I won't ever be fully happy. As for J, I wish him the best. I hope he chooses to change his life and spread light in the world. It's truly not in me to hate anyone. I hate what he did but I can't hate him. I am grateful that one day I will marry a man who loves me fully and who I love fully. I pray every day to live worthy of the man who will one day become my husband. As cheesy as it sounds I love him already. I feel it will be a beautiful reunion when it happens. And having gone through the bitter experiences I have has just made me appreciate the sweet even more. My future husband will be adored, loved, appreciated and so much more. I know one day an eternity with him will make all of these trials worth it. I just wish today was that day.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Progression Not Perfection
This has been on my mind A LOT! I have been a perfectionist my whole life. I was never satisfied in my classes with getting 95% on a test, I wanted a 100%. We won't be perfect in this life. It's not possible. Sometimes perfectionism can paralyze us and stunt our growth.
Last night I read this quote : “From the fall of Adam and Eve to the present, individuals and even entire cultures have made a variety of attempts to compensate for or to cover their inadequacies. Our obsessions with such things as physical appearance, acceptance, accomplishment, power, prominence, and prosperity (I would add Identity) are often attempts to deal with feelings of inadequacy and shame. The concern with covering ourselves in these ways is that in time, each proves inadequate to provide the protection and peace we hope for. At some point each of us must come to understand that there is no relationship in which we can rejoice, success we can celebrate, or possession we can appreciate that can take the place of a relationship with God and an understanding of the redemption made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Other solutions are much like fig leaves—they might provide a temporary solution to an immediate problem, but in the end they do not provide the protection we need or the salvation we seek.” He continues, ”Shame is one of the adversary’s most destructive tools and is unique among the related emotions of guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done or not done; embarrassment has to do with our feelings about how others see us. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are; it relates to how we see ourselves. “The deepest shame is not shame in the eyes of others but weakness in one’s own eyes.” ~ Daniel K. Judd
This is so true. In church on Sunday I thought about everyone who was there and all of the secrets held inside. Only things brought to the light can be fully healed. We have hidden things like addictions, codependency, abuse, and other incorrect traditions of the family. I believe that we can be the redemptive generation. We an be the ones that repair the breech. But that can't happen when we are hiding.
I am grateful for the grace of God. Oh how grateful I am. It is only through Him that I can make it through mortality. It is only through Him that I can stand strong when the waves seem so overwhelming. As I have struggled with healing the past it has been through Him that I have found comfort and peace.
I have tried very hard to find the joy in the darkest day. It is there. There are so many tender mercies I have experienced to ever think otherwise. I know that only when He is in the center of my healing will I ever fully heal.
Last night I read this quote : “From the fall of Adam and Eve to the present, individuals and even entire cultures have made a variety of attempts to compensate for or to cover their inadequacies. Our obsessions with such things as physical appearance, acceptance, accomplishment, power, prominence, and prosperity (I would add Identity) are often attempts to deal with feelings of inadequacy and shame. The concern with covering ourselves in these ways is that in time, each proves inadequate to provide the protection and peace we hope for. At some point each of us must come to understand that there is no relationship in which we can rejoice, success we can celebrate, or possession we can appreciate that can take the place of a relationship with God and an understanding of the redemption made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Other solutions are much like fig leaves—they might provide a temporary solution to an immediate problem, but in the end they do not provide the protection we need or the salvation we seek.” He continues, ”Shame is one of the adversary’s most destructive tools and is unique among the related emotions of guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done or not done; embarrassment has to do with our feelings about how others see us. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are; it relates to how we see ourselves. “The deepest shame is not shame in the eyes of others but weakness in one’s own eyes.” ~ Daniel K. Judd
This is so true. In church on Sunday I thought about everyone who was there and all of the secrets held inside. Only things brought to the light can be fully healed. We have hidden things like addictions, codependency, abuse, and other incorrect traditions of the family. I believe that we can be the redemptive generation. We an be the ones that repair the breech. But that can't happen when we are hiding.
I am grateful for the grace of God. Oh how grateful I am. It is only through Him that I can make it through mortality. It is only through Him that I can stand strong when the waves seem so overwhelming. As I have struggled with healing the past it has been through Him that I have found comfort and peace.
I have tried very hard to find the joy in the darkest day. It is there. There are so many tender mercies I have experienced to ever think otherwise. I know that only when He is in the center of my healing will I ever fully heal.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Waiting On The Lord
I haven't been able to sleep yet so I decided that I would blog. It's been awhile since I have because I had to get a new power cord. There has also been so much in my heart and on my mind.
There are two conference talks right now that come to mind as I think about trusting the Lord, His will and His perfect timing. One is entitled, "But If Not". Here is the link and I highly recommend listening to it or reading it: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng . Here are a few of my favorite quotes: "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
This is the quote that keeps me going a lot, " Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." I wish I knew the whys sometimes in life. I really do. I think we all wish sometimes in our lives we could really understand why things are happening or trying to be patient and wait on the Lord.
I am so grateful that through Jesus Christ those blessings DO come. They come on His time table. They come in His way.
As I am confronting some pretty serious issues in my life I am learning again to have hope. I have pretty much my whole life but I lost sight of that the last few years of my life. My childhood was filled with some pretty heavy junk. But I know I can drop my burdens at His feet and I am learning to. Oh what a process that is for us in mortality.
I find myself asking all of the time, "What do I have control over in this situation?" If the answer is nothing or I have done all I can do then I have to wait on the Lord. I have to trust that He sees the road ahead of me. That He has navigated mortality while I am still in my infancy learning how to be like Him.
So for those of you struggling with anything, waiting on the Lord is the only way to lasting peace. Just for today I choose joy by waiting on the Lord. I choose to trust in HIS ways and HIS plans even when I don't understand the whys. In mortality we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. It has been painful to still be single. It has been painful to see my friends want righteous things so badly yet have those blessings delayed. I have seen friends struggle with infertility and wonder why. I have seen friends struggle with ongoing health issues without any resolution. I have seen friends struggle with the lingering affects of other people's agency. I have faith that when we wait on the Lord He never disappoints. He has our best interest at heart and knows who He is preparing us to become and that is like Him. How can we be pure and holy without going through the Refiner's fire?
There are two conference talks right now that come to mind as I think about trusting the Lord, His will and His perfect timing. One is entitled, "But If Not". Here is the link and I highly recommend listening to it or reading it: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng . Here are a few of my favorite quotes: "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
Tonight as I was working on my family history it had a space that said find or add a spouse. Oh how much my heart longs for that. I want a family more than anything but the Lord has taught me that the timing has to be right and it has to be to the right man.
There is so much I am struggling with right now. Right now I am praying my financial aid comes in on time so I can pay the grants back from Spring that I owe since I had to do a compassionate withdraw from my classes after my grandma died. Patience is not my strong suite. I also love stability and security but I realize that sometimes the Lord calls me out of that place of security. He calls me into a place of faith and trust. He teaches me to wait on Him and trust His plan to unfold.
The other talk right now that is on my mind was given in October 1999 conference by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. It is entitled, "A High Priest of Good Things to Come". Here is the link to that talk and again I highly recommend it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng . This talk was given the general conference after my mom died very suddenly. It hit me with such great force as I was struggling and I have often relied on it during other times in my life.
I am so grateful that through Jesus Christ those blessings DO come. They come on His time table. They come in His way.
As I am confronting some pretty serious issues in my life I am learning again to have hope. I have pretty much my whole life but I lost sight of that the last few years of my life. My childhood was filled with some pretty heavy junk. But I know I can drop my burdens at His feet and I am learning to. Oh what a process that is for us in mortality.
I find myself asking all of the time, "What do I have control over in this situation?" If the answer is nothing or I have done all I can do then I have to wait on the Lord. I have to trust that He sees the road ahead of me. That He has navigated mortality while I am still in my infancy learning how to be like Him.
So for those of you struggling with anything, waiting on the Lord is the only way to lasting peace. Just for today I choose joy by waiting on the Lord. I choose to trust in HIS ways and HIS plans even when I don't understand the whys. In mortality we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. It has been painful to still be single. It has been painful to see my friends want righteous things so badly yet have those blessings delayed. I have seen friends struggle with infertility and wonder why. I have seen friends struggle with ongoing health issues without any resolution. I have seen friends struggle with the lingering affects of other people's agency. I have faith that when we wait on the Lord He never disappoints. He has our best interest at heart and knows who He is preparing us to become and that is like Him. How can we be pure and holy without going through the Refiner's fire?
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Who am I?
I have been thinking a lot about my identity. I know the basic thing like I am a daughter of God. But EVERYONE is a child of God. Who else am I?
It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.
It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.
This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.
So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.
I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.
The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.
This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.
To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.
So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.
We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!
As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.
So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!
It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.
It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.
This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.
So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.
I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.
The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.
This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.
To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.
So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.
We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!
As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.
So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!
Monday, August 12, 2013
I am learning
This season in my life feels like rapid fire learning. Sometimes it is overwhelming as I try to keep up with all of it. I have panic attacks quite frequently right now as I am trying to heal from my past. It can be really frustrating at times. But I have faith that these trials will build strengths in me that I can't see at the present time. That is what I am trying to focus on.
Yesterday in church we talked about service. The women giving the lesson talked about how when we allow others to serve us we allow them to act as Christ would if He were in that situation. It is SO hard for me to allow others to help and serve me. I was brought up in a world where you just didn't ask for anything. Maybe it was because for so long my needs were not met. After awhile you stop asking. I realized that most of the time I don't even know what I need. This is such a challenge for me. I can't expect others to help if I can't identify my own needs.
There are so many scriptures that basically say ask and ye shall receive. I know our Heavenly Father is eager to bless us when we ask. Sometimes the asking part can be pretty difficult. I LOVE serving others. I have done it my whole life. Truly it brings me deep abiding joy. Yet it is so hard to let others serve me. I don't want to deprive them of that joy, I just feel like I should be able to do everything on my own.
I am grateful for all I am learning right now. Just for today I choose joy by learning to accept help. Knowing that I am worthy although far from perfect. I can rest in His love.
Yesterday in church we talked about service. The women giving the lesson talked about how when we allow others to serve us we allow them to act as Christ would if He were in that situation. It is SO hard for me to allow others to help and serve me. I was brought up in a world where you just didn't ask for anything. Maybe it was because for so long my needs were not met. After awhile you stop asking. I realized that most of the time I don't even know what I need. This is such a challenge for me. I can't expect others to help if I can't identify my own needs.
There are so many scriptures that basically say ask and ye shall receive. I know our Heavenly Father is eager to bless us when we ask. Sometimes the asking part can be pretty difficult. I LOVE serving others. I have done it my whole life. Truly it brings me deep abiding joy. Yet it is so hard to let others serve me. I don't want to deprive them of that joy, I just feel like I should be able to do everything on my own.
I am grateful for all I am learning right now. Just for today I choose joy by learning to accept help. Knowing that I am worthy although far from perfect. I can rest in His love.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Facing the Truth
Facing the truth about things in our lives takes strength. It's only when we see things as they really are and not as we want them to be that we can really change. There are certain situations in my life that I have been forced to face head on. I always see the bright side of things and the good in others and most of the time it is a blessing. Other times, however, it keeps me from progressing because I am not acknowledging what really is. There is power in looking the truth straight in the eyes and healing.
Healing has been on my mind a lot lately. We all have things we need to be healed and delivered from. Some of it is physical, some emotional and some spiritual. I know our Savior has the ability to deliver us from it ALL. And healing comes in layers and it is a process that we can not move faster. It is so vital to our growth that we are patient with the process. This is such a challenge in a world where everything is fast. We go through drive thrus where we grow impatient if we have to wait more than 5 minutes for our food. A meal that use to take hours to prepare can now be thrown in the microwave and be ready to eat in 8 minutes or less. When we want to learn about a topic we don't even have to leave our house now. What use to take days to compile at a library can now be found in 10 minutes or less online. There is nothing wrong with "fast" things in our society but we have to remember that our time is not the same as the Lord's. There are so many things that I have been promised that have not come to pass yet because it is in the Lord's time and not in my own. I get frustrated when I forget that the Lord has a plan and a perfect time table for my life. We can not violate the process of healing and growth. It is a process. Can you imagine if the Lord, when He created the earth, decided to skip day 3 in creation and skip ahead to day 7 -- a day of rest -- because it sounded easier. What would we have missed in that creation? Our live is a creation too and there are always reasons why, even when we can not see or comprehend.
I am excited for a new week that is hopefully brighter and happier than this last week was. There were some tender mercies of the Lord in my life this last week which I am so grateful for! The emails, prayers, calls, package and love that has been sent on my behalf is so appreciated! I am always humbled by the love that those around me show and I am grateful that the Lord is patient with His child. Growth is not always a fun process but it is needful!
I need more truth and light in my life. In order to have that there are things I need more of and things I need less of. I am grateful that the Lord is guiding me and helping me see what I need to hang on to and what I need to let go of. He truly does have a perfect plan for our lives even though our lives aren't perfect. I am grateful for the truths I know. I truly believe in the scripture that says the truth shall set us free. Even when the truth is painful.
Healing has been on my mind a lot lately. We all have things we need to be healed and delivered from. Some of it is physical, some emotional and some spiritual. I know our Savior has the ability to deliver us from it ALL. And healing comes in layers and it is a process that we can not move faster. It is so vital to our growth that we are patient with the process. This is such a challenge in a world where everything is fast. We go through drive thrus where we grow impatient if we have to wait more than 5 minutes for our food. A meal that use to take hours to prepare can now be thrown in the microwave and be ready to eat in 8 minutes or less. When we want to learn about a topic we don't even have to leave our house now. What use to take days to compile at a library can now be found in 10 minutes or less online. There is nothing wrong with "fast" things in our society but we have to remember that our time is not the same as the Lord's. There are so many things that I have been promised that have not come to pass yet because it is in the Lord's time and not in my own. I get frustrated when I forget that the Lord has a plan and a perfect time table for my life. We can not violate the process of healing and growth. It is a process. Can you imagine if the Lord, when He created the earth, decided to skip day 3 in creation and skip ahead to day 7 -- a day of rest -- because it sounded easier. What would we have missed in that creation? Our live is a creation too and there are always reasons why, even when we can not see or comprehend.
I am excited for a new week that is hopefully brighter and happier than this last week was. There were some tender mercies of the Lord in my life this last week which I am so grateful for! The emails, prayers, calls, package and love that has been sent on my behalf is so appreciated! I am always humbled by the love that those around me show and I am grateful that the Lord is patient with His child. Growth is not always a fun process but it is needful!
I need more truth and light in my life. In order to have that there are things I need more of and things I need less of. I am grateful that the Lord is guiding me and helping me see what I need to hang on to and what I need to let go of. He truly does have a perfect plan for our lives even though our lives aren't perfect. I am grateful for the truths I know. I truly believe in the scripture that says the truth shall set us free. Even when the truth is painful.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Through The Hardest Times In Our Lives Our God WILL Deliver Us
I had a great conversation today with my friend Casey. We were both pretty frustrated with where we were at in life. I will be honest I think this is the lowest I have ever been before in my life. And I have had pretty difficult life experiences. So this leads me to the thought I had and I hope it helps someone else.
When people were at their lowest in the scriptures God delivered them! I think of the story of Shadreck Meshack and Abendigo (I probably misspelled all 3 of their names but I am too tired to look it up) they were thrown in a hot furnace. Did God desert them there? No, He delivered them. Daniel was in the lion's den, did God allow the lion to consume him. No, God again delivered Daniel. Joseph was sold into slavery but his brothers but God exalted him in the end. He did deliver him. Jonah was delivered from the belly of the whale, Noah and his family were saved from the flood and most of all our Savior was delivered and overcame death!
We are all going to have challenges in our lives. Right now my biggest ones seem to be overcoming a past of abuse, neglect and my parent's alcoholism. This hasn't been easy. But I am reminded that God ALWAYS delivers us. He also gives us more than what was taken away. Like the example of Job. God delivered Him in a might way. It took a bit longer than the 3 guys in the furnace and longer than Daniel and I sure hope longer than Jonah. But God delivered them ALL.
Don't lose hope. No matter what you are going through. Have faith that with God ALL things are possible and we are PROMISED, "ALL things work together for God for those who serve and love the Lord." God keeps His promises. Even if it takes a little longer. Even when it feels like the trials are neverending. Even when WE reach our breaking points. He loves us perfectly. Our perfect Heavenly Father WILL deliver us all in due time. I will be honest I kind of hate the word due time. Sometimes I wish I could just find the fast forward button and fast forward the crappy parts and get to the good stuff. Yet those crappy parts build our character, they strengthen our faith and they test us. After all aren't we here to be tested and to return home to live with the Lord forever.
So just for today I will choose joy because I know no matter how long these trials last God WILL deliver me. He keeps His promises. So no matter what challenges you face. No matter what you are going through I hope that you know that He loves you perfectly and all in His time He WILL deliver you!
When people were at their lowest in the scriptures God delivered them! I think of the story of Shadreck Meshack and Abendigo (I probably misspelled all 3 of their names but I am too tired to look it up) they were thrown in a hot furnace. Did God desert them there? No, He delivered them. Daniel was in the lion's den, did God allow the lion to consume him. No, God again delivered Daniel. Joseph was sold into slavery but his brothers but God exalted him in the end. He did deliver him. Jonah was delivered from the belly of the whale, Noah and his family were saved from the flood and most of all our Savior was delivered and overcame death!
We are all going to have challenges in our lives. Right now my biggest ones seem to be overcoming a past of abuse, neglect and my parent's alcoholism. This hasn't been easy. But I am reminded that God ALWAYS delivers us. He also gives us more than what was taken away. Like the example of Job. God delivered Him in a might way. It took a bit longer than the 3 guys in the furnace and longer than Daniel and I sure hope longer than Jonah. But God delivered them ALL.
Don't lose hope. No matter what you are going through. Have faith that with God ALL things are possible and we are PROMISED, "ALL things work together for God for those who serve and love the Lord." God keeps His promises. Even if it takes a little longer. Even when it feels like the trials are neverending. Even when WE reach our breaking points. He loves us perfectly. Our perfect Heavenly Father WILL deliver us all in due time. I will be honest I kind of hate the word due time. Sometimes I wish I could just find the fast forward button and fast forward the crappy parts and get to the good stuff. Yet those crappy parts build our character, they strengthen our faith and they test us. After all aren't we here to be tested and to return home to live with the Lord forever.
So just for today I will choose joy because I know no matter how long these trials last God WILL deliver me. He keeps His promises. So no matter what challenges you face. No matter what you are going through I hope that you know that He loves you perfectly and all in His time He WILL deliver you!
Friday, August 2, 2013
New Beginnings
I have always loved new beginnings. When you think about it each day is really a chance for a new beginning. I remember a friend years ago who would celebrate every new month like it was a new year. I thought it was pretty creative.
I am grateful for the chance to have new beginnings. I am grateful that Jesus Christ made it possible TO have new beginnings. So often I feel the growing pains of growth. I have no earthly idea what the Lord is doing in my life I just pray that I can heal so I can help other people. I have always had a passion for helping others heal.
One of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis is this one from his book Mere Christianity, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
I think we all have those moments in our lives. But if we can have an eternal perspective that every new beginning can take us to here He wants us to go. It's not always easy. It's a messy process at times. Yet we can't even imagine the outcome in our mortal senses. God truly does know what He is doing. Just for today I choose to rest in His love and truly trust Him. To give Him my all and hold nothing back. To not need all of the answers which is so hard for me. I want to know. I always want answers or some logical reason. There are so many times we have to walk by faith and be okay with not having everything laid out for us. Some things we know at the time. Some things we know in retrospect. Some things, possibly the majority, won't make sense until we get to the other side. Let's face it,I doubt on the other side we will really ask why.
I have missed my grandma so much. It's been 6 months yesterday since she graduated from mortality. I know she is progressing and happy on the other side. I have had people not like the term progressing but I do believe our progression isn't over in this life. If we are to be like the Lord there is so much to learn. I am grateful she is free of emotional and physical pain. She is with those she loves the most. But it doesn't mean there aren't times when I don't miss her so much. But she is having her new beginning on the other side. I don't need to worry about her anymore.
I am grateful for the chance to have new beginnings. I am grateful that Jesus Christ made it possible TO have new beginnings. So often I feel the growing pains of growth. I have no earthly idea what the Lord is doing in my life I just pray that I can heal so I can help other people. I have always had a passion for helping others heal.
One of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis is this one from his book Mere Christianity, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
I think we all have those moments in our lives. But if we can have an eternal perspective that every new beginning can take us to here He wants us to go. It's not always easy. It's a messy process at times. Yet we can't even imagine the outcome in our mortal senses. God truly does know what He is doing. Just for today I choose to rest in His love and truly trust Him. To give Him my all and hold nothing back. To not need all of the answers which is so hard for me. I want to know. I always want answers or some logical reason. There are so many times we have to walk by faith and be okay with not having everything laid out for us. Some things we know at the time. Some things we know in retrospect. Some things, possibly the majority, won't make sense until we get to the other side. Let's face it,I doubt on the other side we will really ask why.
I have missed my grandma so much. It's been 6 months yesterday since she graduated from mortality. I know she is progressing and happy on the other side. I have had people not like the term progressing but I do believe our progression isn't over in this life. If we are to be like the Lord there is so much to learn. I am grateful she is free of emotional and physical pain. She is with those she loves the most. But it doesn't mean there aren't times when I don't miss her so much. But she is having her new beginning on the other side. I don't need to worry about her anymore.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Let Them Go
I read this quote about a year ago. I was going through a huge transition period. Little did I know how much more of a transition period I would be going through now. I am still taking last night pretty hard. Logically I know I shouldn't but emotionally it cuts me to the core.
I am done chasing after people begging them to stay in my life. I am worth so much more than that. I have a good heart, a loving spirit and I care deeply about others. If people can't see that, let them walk. Let them make room for those who can see it who I can encourage and love.
For some reason it has hit me HARD lately that I am the daughter of two alcoholic parents. I know, I know why is it hitting me now? Really I don't have a good enough answer. It is hard not to feel quite normal. Things that come naturally to so many just don't with me. I would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone. Anyone who knows me knows that. the pain is just so intense right now. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in at all? Why can't people see the good in me? I do in them. I overlook the way they act and their imperfections why can't they extend to me the same courtesy. I have been through A LOT in the last few years.
No, I haven't been my normal, happy, optimistic, cheerful self. I would challenge ANYONE to go through what I have and emerge perfect. It is a process. Just like a butterfly in a cocoon fighting it's way out. It takes time like any other process. It isn't easy and there is opposition but what emerges is so beautiful. It is my prayer I can break out of this cocoon. Maybe Heavenly Father is clearing out who doesn't belong in my life to bring others into my life. I know what it is like to feel the betrayal of friends. I know what it is like to not have family. I know what it is like to not have my needs met. But more than that I know my Savior. I know the atonement is real. I know He understands my physical pain which can be horrific at times and my emotional pain. HE understands. No one else ever will fully understand. They can try and some do. Some try to understand and for that I am eternally grateful but only HE understands. Only He took upon Himself all of our pains our infirmities our weaknesses so He could best know how to comfort us and I am grateful for that.
So just for today I choose joy because I choose to trust what the Lord is doing in my life even if it means taking people out of it. I choose joy because I know He is preparing me for a greater purpose. I choose joy because I spoke my truth and even though it was received horribly I still did it.
Here is the excerpt from the talk I read that REALLY hit me. So many times we go running after people beginning them to stay in our lives. At least I do. I am finally at a point where I realize not everyone has to love me or even like me. In fact if I am pleasing God sometimes they won't like me or agree with me. I remember that old adage, "If you love someone set them free. If they come back they are yours. If they don't come back, they never were yours." I am done chasing guys who can't decide whether or not they want to be in my life or not. I am worth more than that. I am done chasing friends who put me down or who don't ever take time to call me back. I respect myself more now. I am done with friends who continually break promises to me. No wonder I am exhausted! But I WILL CHOOSE JOY today because the other option is a whole lot more painful!
"Let It Go" by TD Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents . . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left. think about it, and then . . . . . . . .
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord's!"
I am doing my best, sorry if that's isn't YOUR best!
Hello my friends! I have no clue who is reading my blog but I am not censoring my thought so who goes. Let me start by saying I am exhausted so I apologize in advance for any misspellings. Besides I am trying to remind myself that perfection is overrated right!?! Well to me it is and that is a huge " traditions of the fathers" I have had to relearn.
Normally when I blog at 3:30 am it means I haven't slept. This is not the case tonight. I woke up from a bad nightmare and decided to check my facebook. I should have let that wait until morning because let's face it EVERYTHING is better with sleep, right?!?
I was also friends with the whole family and one of his sisters that I was the closest too told me she felt like she was more like a mother to me than a sister. Honestly this broke my heart. It still hurts. No amount of anything will make the pain go away right now. I have to mourn that loss I suppose. So now I am mourning the loss of losing that family and losing my grandma. The pain is so real. It's awful.
I am FAR from perfect but whenever anything is brought to my attention I try hard to fix it. This just hurts too deeply to express in words. Maybe because I am already dealing with such a huge loss with my grandma. Maybe because I don't walk away from friendships unless I have tried many many times to fix things. Maybe because I love these people very much and can't handle the thought of not having them in my life. But it hurts. It hurts a lot.
People can't understand that as an adult child of alcoholics there are things we may have never learned before. Most have no clue how hard we are trying to heal and how painful it can be at times. Most can't comprehend what it would be like to take away their mother and daughter completely from birth, give them an alcoholic mother with multiple personalities who beat them, swore at them, called them names and then acted like a 3 yr old a 5 yr old and an 11 year because of MPD. Or then for her to go through treatment from her alcoholism and the MPD just to develop bi polar and live through that hell of her thinking munchskins were stealing the car or have her pull a knife out on them. Most of them have no idea what it is like to have nowhere to run to. And then, on top of that, to be molested every night.
Then let's go ahead and add a dad in there that all he ever does is pop in and out of your life until you are 13 (Seriously that is the very last time I saw him). He, too, was an alcoholic. Have him make promises and never keep them. And for your father to completely abandon you.
Sisters and brothers? Sorry. No go there. You are on your own kid. Your job is to raise your mom.
So when I have someone tell me they feel like they are more like a mother to me than a sister few things can hurt more. If she thinks she could live a better life than me have at it. I am exhausted emotionally and physically right now. My heart hurts so badly. I am being proactive and in counseling. I read my scriptures, say my prayers and listen to Christian music. I do the best I can to serve others when my health permits. I do ALL that I can. ALL. But if she could do it better than me she can have my life.
I am done writing about this. My blog is more like my journal. But please, I implore you, if someone is already hurting don't add rocks to their bag of pain. It hasn't even been 6 months since my grandma died. If it has to be said wait for the right time.
Right now I hate to say it but this HAS changed me. I don't want to be around anyone for now. I won't be posting on my facebook for awhile. I don't feel safe just being me. I acknowledge my many many imperfections. But man I am trying. I have been through quite a bit. I now don't know who to trust in my life and who I can't. I wish she had told me this before when she felt this way. It makes me want to give on people in general and not interact because it's too painful. It makes me wonder if people are really in my life because they love me or because they feel a duty. I don't have blood related brothers and sisters. I have always been grateful for those who have been like my brothers and sisters now I don't know how I feel about that. I just feel pain I guess.
Just for today I choose joy by having grace on myself and others and crawling back under the sheets of my bed. Tears purify the soul.
Normally when I blog at 3:30 am it means I haven't slept. This is not the case tonight. I woke up from a bad nightmare and decided to check my facebook. I should have let that wait until morning because let's face it EVERYTHING is better with sleep, right?!?
I was also friends with the whole family and one of his sisters that I was the closest too told me she felt like she was more like a mother to me than a sister. Honestly this broke my heart. It still hurts. No amount of anything will make the pain go away right now. I have to mourn that loss I suppose. So now I am mourning the loss of losing that family and losing my grandma. The pain is so real. It's awful.
I am FAR from perfect but whenever anything is brought to my attention I try hard to fix it. This just hurts too deeply to express in words. Maybe because I am already dealing with such a huge loss with my grandma. Maybe because I don't walk away from friendships unless I have tried many many times to fix things. Maybe because I love these people very much and can't handle the thought of not having them in my life. But it hurts. It hurts a lot.
People can't understand that as an adult child of alcoholics there are things we may have never learned before. Most have no clue how hard we are trying to heal and how painful it can be at times. Most can't comprehend what it would be like to take away their mother and daughter completely from birth, give them an alcoholic mother with multiple personalities who beat them, swore at them, called them names and then acted like a 3 yr old a 5 yr old and an 11 year because of MPD. Or then for her to go through treatment from her alcoholism and the MPD just to develop bi polar and live through that hell of her thinking munchskins were stealing the car or have her pull a knife out on them. Most of them have no idea what it is like to have nowhere to run to. And then, on top of that, to be molested every night.
Then let's go ahead and add a dad in there that all he ever does is pop in and out of your life until you are 13 (Seriously that is the very last time I saw him). He, too, was an alcoholic. Have him make promises and never keep them. And for your father to completely abandon you.
Sisters and brothers? Sorry. No go there. You are on your own kid. Your job is to raise your mom.
So when I have someone tell me they feel like they are more like a mother to me than a sister few things can hurt more. If she thinks she could live a better life than me have at it. I am exhausted emotionally and physically right now. My heart hurts so badly. I am being proactive and in counseling. I read my scriptures, say my prayers and listen to Christian music. I do the best I can to serve others when my health permits. I do ALL that I can. ALL. But if she could do it better than me she can have my life.
I am done writing about this. My blog is more like my journal. But please, I implore you, if someone is already hurting don't add rocks to their bag of pain. It hasn't even been 6 months since my grandma died. If it has to be said wait for the right time.
Right now I hate to say it but this HAS changed me. I don't want to be around anyone for now. I won't be posting on my facebook for awhile. I don't feel safe just being me. I acknowledge my many many imperfections. But man I am trying. I have been through quite a bit. I now don't know who to trust in my life and who I can't. I wish she had told me this before when she felt this way. It makes me want to give on people in general and not interact because it's too painful. It makes me wonder if people are really in my life because they love me or because they feel a duty. I don't have blood related brothers and sisters. I have always been grateful for those who have been like my brothers and sisters now I don't know how I feel about that. I just feel pain I guess.
Just for today I choose joy by having grace on myself and others and crawling back under the sheets of my bed. Tears purify the soul.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I Hurt
I am not even going to pretend today. I hurt. I hurt a lot. It wasn't fun being sick on my birthday that's for sure. But what hurt even more was people forgetting it. I always try to remember birthdays. I care about the people in my life. I want them to feel loved. This birthday so many people forgot. I wish I didn't care. I wish it didn't matter. But it does and I hurt.
It's not just emotionally that I hurt. I hurt physically too. That is not related though. At least I don't think so. I keep trying SO hard and pushing forward no matter what obstacle is placed before me. I have had friends that were like family turn their backs on me. I have lost my grandma this year. I have lost any source of stability besides my Savior and I hurt.
I debated even writing this. Why should I expose my vulnerabilities? Who really even cares anyway. But today I hurt. I am trying to find that peace and sometimes elusive joy. Maybe that is enough. Maybe it's enough to just keep trying. Maybe it's enough to pick myself up every time I fall. Maybe.
Just for today I choose to try. I choose to try when I want to quit. I choose to try when it seems pretty bleak and hopeless. I choose to try. Maybe deeper than that I choose to be. I choose to still be the daughter of God I was placed on earth to be. Even when I fail miserably. Yes I choose to be and I choose to try.
It's not just emotionally that I hurt. I hurt physically too. That is not related though. At least I don't think so. I keep trying SO hard and pushing forward no matter what obstacle is placed before me. I have had friends that were like family turn their backs on me. I have lost my grandma this year. I have lost any source of stability besides my Savior and I hurt.
I debated even writing this. Why should I expose my vulnerabilities? Who really even cares anyway. But today I hurt. I am trying to find that peace and sometimes elusive joy. Maybe that is enough. Maybe it's enough to just keep trying. Maybe it's enough to pick myself up every time I fall. Maybe.
Just for today I choose to try. I choose to try when I want to quit. I choose to try when it seems pretty bleak and hopeless. I choose to try. Maybe deeper than that I choose to be. I choose to still be the daughter of God I was placed on earth to be. Even when I fail miserably. Yes I choose to be and I choose to try.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sometimes Our Plans Just Have To Be Adjusted
Life has a way of surprising you sometimes no matter how well laid out your plans are. This happened to me this week. My birthday was on the 18th. I was excited to start this year out strong. I had set these goals and more and I was ready.
Well the night before I started feeling kind of sick. No big deal, I thought, after all I do have endometriosis and sometimes I get super nauseated and am in pain. I tried to sleep but to no avail. The next morning after no sleep I felt even worse. Then I started projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I was very sick. I get nauseated often and I vomit. For those who don't know what endo is: 1) It is NOT contagious so you don't need to worry about getting it from me. 2) It is partly caused by a hormonal imbalance which can make you nauseated at times between the odd hormones and the pain. 3) It is tissue that attaches itself to random places in your body. 4) It is extremely painful. There is much more but from that list you can see why I thought it was most likely endo.
So I have already broken some of those goals. Luckily I am feeling better today just exhausted. I am on anti nausea meds which are helpful. Thank God for zofran and phenergan. But now it is time for me to pick myself up again and keep moving forward.
I am learning a lot about progression. I am a huge perfectionist. I don't ever demand it from anyone else but I do for myself. It's silly because perfection is simply not attainable in this life. Often with perfectionism comes and all or nothing mentality. Either I have to do it perfectly all of the time or not do it at all. I am JUST beginning to see that and overcome that. Whatever you struggle with, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. It's part of life. But the real test is how you handle those mistakes. Do you let them get you down for a long time and just give up on your goals? Or do you get up as quick as possible, dust yourself off and recommit to your goals and progress?
This is such an interesting season in my life. I can feel HUGE changes like I have never felt before. There are so many changes I am making in my life and many more to come. I realize every day that I have so much to be grateful for. It is so easy to see what is lacking right now in my life. I don't just mean materialistically. For me things are just things. Although I always feel secure when I have what I need. But it goes much deeper than that. I want to be a wife and mom. I want this more than anything. Right now I have to be content with what has been allotted to me and at times that is very hard. Some people tell me just to get over it but my guess is they have a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers and other family members. I am VERY grateful for my cousins who I love and adore. I am grateful for an aunt on my mom's side that I love. I am grateful for my aunt and uncle on my dad's side who are amazing to me and I feel blessed to have them in my life. It's just hard sometimes and that's okay. I don't know why people freak out when I am truthful about how I am feeling but this is my life.
I really really missed my grandma over my birthday. We always spent it together. When my mom was alive our tradition was always to celebrate our birthdays together. My mom's birthday was in July too. We would go to Red Lobster which was our family favorite. It still is one of my favorites but not quite as amazing as the Melting Pot. After my mom died my grandma and I still went to Red Lobster. It was our tradition. I am grateful that this year my best guy friend Derrick took me to Red Lobster for an early birthday celebration. I am so grateful for my friendship with him over the years. He is a great man. I also love his wife. I love his whole family and feel blessed. It was so thoughtful of him to take me there.
I am working really hard right now on living a truly authentic life. Not everyone is really on board with this choice. People are use to me just going along with how they feel or holding my own feelings inside but I have found that by doing so that destroys me. I have been a people pleaser from a VERY early age. With an alcoholic mom you learn to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay. Now I am realizing that everything is NOT okay. And, as weird as this sounds, I am realizing that even that is okay. If my friends can't accept me for me then they aren't true friends to begin with. As long as I am not hurting other people's feelings (which I am not, I am so mindful of that) then it is okay if my opinion or belief is different than theirs. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong.
There is a lot of healing to be done but I am doing it. I have truly learned that I CAN do hard things. I am doing hard things. I have done hard things my whole life. It isn't easy all of the time. In fact it rarely is but if I am to be who God intends me to be I have to trust Him and let Him lead me. Even if people don't agree with my choices. It doesn't matter. I am sure people didn't agree with Noah building an ark. I am sure most thought he was silly. I am sure few had confidence that David would kill Goliath. By all accounts this never should have happened. Goliath was much bigger than David. But Goliath was no match for David's faith. I am sure everyone thought Daniel would die when he was thrown into the lion's den but he didn't. God's plan for his life was much stronger than those who planned his demise.
I am in no way comparing myself to these amazing men. But I do believe that when we are doing what is right not everyone will agree. I remember when I made the choice to move to Utah. Hardly anyone was supportive. It definitely wasn't what I had planned for my life. All I was planning on doing was going to Women's Conference for those few days and visiting my dear friend Emily who is truly a sister to me. The interesting thing too was that it was a spur of the moment decision to even go to Women's conference. I had always wanted to go but the timing was always off because I was in school. But this year I decided to go.
As I was sitting through the first day of class I had a feeling I needed to move to Utah. Utah was the one place I told the Lord I would never live. Be really careful what you tell the Lord you will never do. That may very well be what is required of you! After the first day I came home and told Emily. Em has always been supportive and she told me to just keep praying about it. That is exactly what I did. I went the second day and the feeling got stronger. By the end of the week I found a room for rent for only $150 a month including utilities for the summer. Yes you read that right only $150! The former roommate had gotten married but still had her lease for summer so she paid half and I paid half. At this point I hadn't even met my roommates.
My friend of many years (I think we are almost at 20 now) lived right down the street from me. He and I had met in youth guides and also served our two week mission together. It was great having him so near. So I spent a little more time in Utah and then went back to Arizona. I was a bit nervous to tell my friends. I knew just about everyone would be a bit disappointed. There were so many different comments I got. I will just say that most of them were not exactly supportive of me moving to Utah. My grandma was probably the most vocal.
Again it was never my plan to move and certainly not then. So I came back to Arizona and saw my friends. I put what I needed to in storage and right before I moved I ran into a lot of opposition. One was literal. My friend was vaccuming and I went under the cord and ran straight into her coach. I needed 4 stitches right above my eye. (Oh and head wounds bleed like crazy) Her daughter was also in the hospital and since her daughter was like my niece I had to wait and make sure she made it out okay. Then I was finally ready to leave. My friend Jon (who was the one who I would be right around the corner from in Utah) decided to drive up with me. We had fun stopping along the way and picking flowers while cows stared at us. (I kid you not, I have the pictures, they are hilarious!) I was super sad to be leaving behind my friends and venturing into the completely unknown universe of Provo, Utah. Trust me when I say it has a culture all of it's own.
When I got there I couldn't have been blessed with better roommates. My roommate Catherine and I were especially close. Ashley and I also had fun with our phase 10 marathons! In addition to great roommates, there was a house of guys that lived kitty corner from us. We had SO much fun with them! The ward was great. At this point though I still had no clue WHY I was suppose to be there. I was having a blast with my friends that I felt I had known all of my life but the whys still lingered in my mind.
By August I was beginning to worry. I knew I had to find a job and fast. I had met an owner of a scrapbook company who was really interested in my scrapbook pages and the color schemes I used. She wanted me to submit cards I had made. There was only one problem. I didn't make cards at that point of my life. (Now it seems like that's all I make) I did my best and turned them in but wasn't sure if I would get the job or not. I think I spent more on buying supplies from this particular brand than what I ever would have gotten paid.
A week later my dear friend Julie was in town. I had known Julie for several years before that. We had done a lot of pro family work together especially for International Voice for Youth. I had served as the Arizona chapter president and she had served as the ASU chapter president. We had become very close during that time. She wanted me to meet her friend Patrice who had a non profit organization. To make a long story short she ended up hiring me to be the Director of Operations for the Family Caucus. It was a perfect fit because I was only one math class short of having my degree in Family and Human Development.
My first job for her was scanning in business cards. Then I got a call from her that she was in New York at the National Republican Convention and she wanted me to fly down there and spend a few days with her, David (who I would later be working with) and Julie was also down there. That was an amazing experience I will never forget! The rest of the time I mainly researched issues impacting the family and attended local conferences.
The next year I went to CEDAW at the UN. CEDAW stands for the Convention to Eliminate Discrimination Against Women. Boy were my eyes opened at the UN. I saw some miracles happen. I also saw the scripture, "wo unto them who call light darkness and darkness light." come alive. It was also the epitome of secret combinations. I had the chance to talk to delegates about the importance of families and the sanctity of life. I sat through 5 1/2 hour meetings exhausted but it was amazing.
It was at that point I realized WHY I was in Utah. It wasn't all fun, in fact most of it was hard work. Yet this is work I am passionate about so it was worth it to me.
So what is my point sharing this incredibly long story? We will all have times in our lives when the Lord asks us to do something and we have no idea WHY. Others around us may mock us or openly disagree with what we are doing but if we know that God has asked it of us, nothing else should matter. The pieces won't always come together as easily as they did for me. This was one of those burning bush experiences in my life. I had the choice of whether or not I moved to Utah but I knew if I didn't it would extremely alter the course of my life.
This is a time and season in my life where I feel the same thing. Although I am not quite sure what will be required of me or when I am preparing myself to be ready emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other aspect. I can see how much those experiences prepared me for life now.
Those who know me know how imperfect I am. I constantly fall short of the mark. The beauty of God's grace is that He doesn't just make up the difference He is ALL the difference. On my own I know I can't accomplish what He asks of me but with Him by my side ALL things are possible.
Just like I felt right before my grandma died the verse in the Bible that says, "ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord.". It is true. Also just as the Spirit whispered during that tumultuous time, "Debbie what part of ALL don't you understand?" That is true too. There are no exemptions. No one has fallen too far away from His mercy and grace. We are the ones who keep ourselves from it.
If you happen to be reading this it is no accident. Our loving Father in Heaven has BIG plans in store for you too. Many times they will take you out of your comfort zone and stretch your growth. But always remember He loves you and knows what is best for you. He is there through the good and the bad.
Just for today I choose to remember the Lord keeps all of His promises. I choose to follow HIS plan for my life even when it's not nearly what I had planned. I choose to trust Him even when it's hard. I choose to believe healing is on the way. Just for today I choose to remember that I am His daughter and He loves me and will never abandon me. That brings me great JOY!
Well the night before I started feeling kind of sick. No big deal, I thought, after all I do have endometriosis and sometimes I get super nauseated and am in pain. I tried to sleep but to no avail. The next morning after no sleep I felt even worse. Then I started projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I was very sick. I get nauseated often and I vomit. For those who don't know what endo is: 1) It is NOT contagious so you don't need to worry about getting it from me. 2) It is partly caused by a hormonal imbalance which can make you nauseated at times between the odd hormones and the pain. 3) It is tissue that attaches itself to random places in your body. 4) It is extremely painful. There is much more but from that list you can see why I thought it was most likely endo.
So I have already broken some of those goals. Luckily I am feeling better today just exhausted. I am on anti nausea meds which are helpful. Thank God for zofran and phenergan. But now it is time for me to pick myself up again and keep moving forward.
I am learning a lot about progression. I am a huge perfectionist. I don't ever demand it from anyone else but I do for myself. It's silly because perfection is simply not attainable in this life. Often with perfectionism comes and all or nothing mentality. Either I have to do it perfectly all of the time or not do it at all. I am JUST beginning to see that and overcome that. Whatever you struggle with, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. It's part of life. But the real test is how you handle those mistakes. Do you let them get you down for a long time and just give up on your goals? Or do you get up as quick as possible, dust yourself off and recommit to your goals and progress?
This is such an interesting season in my life. I can feel HUGE changes like I have never felt before. There are so many changes I am making in my life and many more to come. I realize every day that I have so much to be grateful for. It is so easy to see what is lacking right now in my life. I don't just mean materialistically. For me things are just things. Although I always feel secure when I have what I need. But it goes much deeper than that. I want to be a wife and mom. I want this more than anything. Right now I have to be content with what has been allotted to me and at times that is very hard. Some people tell me just to get over it but my guess is they have a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers and other family members. I am VERY grateful for my cousins who I love and adore. I am grateful for an aunt on my mom's side that I love. I am grateful for my aunt and uncle on my dad's side who are amazing to me and I feel blessed to have them in my life. It's just hard sometimes and that's okay. I don't know why people freak out when I am truthful about how I am feeling but this is my life.
I really really missed my grandma over my birthday. We always spent it together. When my mom was alive our tradition was always to celebrate our birthdays together. My mom's birthday was in July too. We would go to Red Lobster which was our family favorite. It still is one of my favorites but not quite as amazing as the Melting Pot. After my mom died my grandma and I still went to Red Lobster. It was our tradition. I am grateful that this year my best guy friend Derrick took me to Red Lobster for an early birthday celebration. I am so grateful for my friendship with him over the years. He is a great man. I also love his wife. I love his whole family and feel blessed. It was so thoughtful of him to take me there.
I am working really hard right now on living a truly authentic life. Not everyone is really on board with this choice. People are use to me just going along with how they feel or holding my own feelings inside but I have found that by doing so that destroys me. I have been a people pleaser from a VERY early age. With an alcoholic mom you learn to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay. Now I am realizing that everything is NOT okay. And, as weird as this sounds, I am realizing that even that is okay. If my friends can't accept me for me then they aren't true friends to begin with. As long as I am not hurting other people's feelings (which I am not, I am so mindful of that) then it is okay if my opinion or belief is different than theirs. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong.
There is a lot of healing to be done but I am doing it. I have truly learned that I CAN do hard things. I am doing hard things. I have done hard things my whole life. It isn't easy all of the time. In fact it rarely is but if I am to be who God intends me to be I have to trust Him and let Him lead me. Even if people don't agree with my choices. It doesn't matter. I am sure people didn't agree with Noah building an ark. I am sure most thought he was silly. I am sure few had confidence that David would kill Goliath. By all accounts this never should have happened. Goliath was much bigger than David. But Goliath was no match for David's faith. I am sure everyone thought Daniel would die when he was thrown into the lion's den but he didn't. God's plan for his life was much stronger than those who planned his demise.
I am in no way comparing myself to these amazing men. But I do believe that when we are doing what is right not everyone will agree. I remember when I made the choice to move to Utah. Hardly anyone was supportive. It definitely wasn't what I had planned for my life. All I was planning on doing was going to Women's Conference for those few days and visiting my dear friend Emily who is truly a sister to me. The interesting thing too was that it was a spur of the moment decision to even go to Women's conference. I had always wanted to go but the timing was always off because I was in school. But this year I decided to go.
As I was sitting through the first day of class I had a feeling I needed to move to Utah. Utah was the one place I told the Lord I would never live. Be really careful what you tell the Lord you will never do. That may very well be what is required of you! After the first day I came home and told Emily. Em has always been supportive and she told me to just keep praying about it. That is exactly what I did. I went the second day and the feeling got stronger. By the end of the week I found a room for rent for only $150 a month including utilities for the summer. Yes you read that right only $150! The former roommate had gotten married but still had her lease for summer so she paid half and I paid half. At this point I hadn't even met my roommates.
My friend of many years (I think we are almost at 20 now) lived right down the street from me. He and I had met in youth guides and also served our two week mission together. It was great having him so near. So I spent a little more time in Utah and then went back to Arizona. I was a bit nervous to tell my friends. I knew just about everyone would be a bit disappointed. There were so many different comments I got. I will just say that most of them were not exactly supportive of me moving to Utah. My grandma was probably the most vocal.
Again it was never my plan to move and certainly not then. So I came back to Arizona and saw my friends. I put what I needed to in storage and right before I moved I ran into a lot of opposition. One was literal. My friend was vaccuming and I went under the cord and ran straight into her coach. I needed 4 stitches right above my eye. (Oh and head wounds bleed like crazy) Her daughter was also in the hospital and since her daughter was like my niece I had to wait and make sure she made it out okay. Then I was finally ready to leave. My friend Jon (who was the one who I would be right around the corner from in Utah) decided to drive up with me. We had fun stopping along the way and picking flowers while cows stared at us. (I kid you not, I have the pictures, they are hilarious!) I was super sad to be leaving behind my friends and venturing into the completely unknown universe of Provo, Utah. Trust me when I say it has a culture all of it's own.
When I got there I couldn't have been blessed with better roommates. My roommate Catherine and I were especially close. Ashley and I also had fun with our phase 10 marathons! In addition to great roommates, there was a house of guys that lived kitty corner from us. We had SO much fun with them! The ward was great. At this point though I still had no clue WHY I was suppose to be there. I was having a blast with my friends that I felt I had known all of my life but the whys still lingered in my mind.
By August I was beginning to worry. I knew I had to find a job and fast. I had met an owner of a scrapbook company who was really interested in my scrapbook pages and the color schemes I used. She wanted me to submit cards I had made. There was only one problem. I didn't make cards at that point of my life. (Now it seems like that's all I make) I did my best and turned them in but wasn't sure if I would get the job or not. I think I spent more on buying supplies from this particular brand than what I ever would have gotten paid.
A week later my dear friend Julie was in town. I had known Julie for several years before that. We had done a lot of pro family work together especially for International Voice for Youth. I had served as the Arizona chapter president and she had served as the ASU chapter president. We had become very close during that time. She wanted me to meet her friend Patrice who had a non profit organization. To make a long story short she ended up hiring me to be the Director of Operations for the Family Caucus. It was a perfect fit because I was only one math class short of having my degree in Family and Human Development.
My first job for her was scanning in business cards. Then I got a call from her that she was in New York at the National Republican Convention and she wanted me to fly down there and spend a few days with her, David (who I would later be working with) and Julie was also down there. That was an amazing experience I will never forget! The rest of the time I mainly researched issues impacting the family and attended local conferences.
The next year I went to CEDAW at the UN. CEDAW stands for the Convention to Eliminate Discrimination Against Women. Boy were my eyes opened at the UN. I saw some miracles happen. I also saw the scripture, "wo unto them who call light darkness and darkness light." come alive. It was also the epitome of secret combinations. I had the chance to talk to delegates about the importance of families and the sanctity of life. I sat through 5 1/2 hour meetings exhausted but it was amazing.
It was at that point I realized WHY I was in Utah. It wasn't all fun, in fact most of it was hard work. Yet this is work I am passionate about so it was worth it to me.
So what is my point sharing this incredibly long story? We will all have times in our lives when the Lord asks us to do something and we have no idea WHY. Others around us may mock us or openly disagree with what we are doing but if we know that God has asked it of us, nothing else should matter. The pieces won't always come together as easily as they did for me. This was one of those burning bush experiences in my life. I had the choice of whether or not I moved to Utah but I knew if I didn't it would extremely alter the course of my life.
This is a time and season in my life where I feel the same thing. Although I am not quite sure what will be required of me or when I am preparing myself to be ready emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other aspect. I can see how much those experiences prepared me for life now.
Those who know me know how imperfect I am. I constantly fall short of the mark. The beauty of God's grace is that He doesn't just make up the difference He is ALL the difference. On my own I know I can't accomplish what He asks of me but with Him by my side ALL things are possible.
Just like I felt right before my grandma died the verse in the Bible that says, "ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord.". It is true. Also just as the Spirit whispered during that tumultuous time, "Debbie what part of ALL don't you understand?" That is true too. There are no exemptions. No one has fallen too far away from His mercy and grace. We are the ones who keep ourselves from it.
If you happen to be reading this it is no accident. Our loving Father in Heaven has BIG plans in store for you too. Many times they will take you out of your comfort zone and stretch your growth. But always remember He loves you and knows what is best for you. He is there through the good and the bad.
Just for today I choose to remember the Lord keeps all of His promises. I choose to follow HIS plan for my life even when it's not nearly what I had planned. I choose to trust Him even when it's hard. I choose to believe healing is on the way. Just for today I choose to remember that I am His daughter and He loves me and will never abandon me. That brings me great JOY!
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