Who am I?

I have been thinking a lot about my identity. I know the basic thing like I am a daughter of God. But EVERYONE is a child of God. Who else am I?

It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.

It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.

This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.

So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.

I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.

The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.

This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.

To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.

So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.

We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!

As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.

So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!