On Those Many Sleepless Night

Tonight hasn't been the first time I have lost sleep. This week has been pretty crazy. My landlords are remodeling their house and it sounds like they are building Noah's ark. I had a migraine all day and now I am wired for some reason. But I am really trying to find purpose in all of these sleepless nights.

This season in my life has been pretty crazy. I am so grateful that the doctor found the tumors. There are actually 2 on my pituitary gland. Honestly they may have told me multiple tumors when they told me the results but I kind of zoned out after neurosurgeon. I am so blessed that they are tiny.

Throughout this time I have been crying out to the Lord beginning Him just to heal it and take it all away. I know He has the power to do so and have seen it so many times in my life. This time He told me that He won't rob me of the learning experience. I have told Him many times that I just want the "old me back". No, God is never satisfied with that. Like I always say He tends to upgrade. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I wish I understood all of the whys in life but if I did I would never trust fully. Trust is not my strong suit but I am learning. Truly the Lord never fails. 

As a quick word of advice learn patience before God teaches it to you. Life is much more blissful that way. But somehow I know, in each of our lives, the Lord has a way of refining and tutoring us in ways we couldn't imagine. I've spent years treading water when He wanted me to float. I spent years trying to solve my problems without fully involving Him. There has never been a time that I can remember when I stopped praying. I have my whole life. However, there are times when I have walked through darkness and my spirit longs for the light. He is there. He always has been. Through the good and the bad. But when I take time to slow down and listen I can discern more what He would have me learn. I am hoping I learn quicker. The irony that I am learning patience and yet I wish I could learn it faster is pretty hilarious. Just for today I choose joy through trusting Him through these sleepless nights

and even longer accompanying days. I trust His plan. I will let it unfold in His timing. In His way.

Of course I will be as proactive as I can be but that will only get me so far. I love the scripture that talks about doing all that we can and then standing still and trusting in the Lord. That's all I can do. That's all ANY of us can do. I can't control anything but my attitude. I can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy. Just for today I choose to find joy through the good and through the bad. I choose to be grateful even through these long nights.