Light

These past few weeks have been crazy. I don't think I realized before how much fear I have inside of me. I got really sick last week and because of the low cortisol it could have been really dangerous. I finally decided to go to the ER. This time though I drove all the way out to St. Joe's since they are connected to Barrow out there. I had gotten tired of other ERs treating me like garbage.

When I got there I was running a fever. I also had every sign of menengitis. I hate needles. Needles hate me too because my veins are pretty hard to get. As the doctor evaluates me he decides I need a spinal tap. What!?! You want to stick a needle in my back. I didn't like that idea for obvious reasons. It was in the middle of the night, I was in the middle of Phoenix and I felt completely alone.

Feeling alone is honestly the worse feeling I experience. It's hard not having a family. I am super grateful for my Minnesota family and the blessing they have been to me but obviously they live way too far away to be able to actually be at the hospital. I also love my cousin but Sparks, Nevada is too far away too.

So I did what I always do. I prayed. I was grateful at this hospital that they at least took the fact that I struggle with anxiety into account. They gave me something to calm me down and did a good job managing my pain. The first lumbar puncture didn't work. I really couldn't believe it. I was so worried about having it done once and now I had to have it done twice.

It took awhile for them to get a specialist to do it so I had more time to wait and pray. I prayed I would feel my family on the other side of the veil around me. This may sound like an odd request but I have lately been reminded about how much of a part they still have in our lives. Those eternal roles never fade. I did feel them with me. The doctors also discovered the reason they couldn't get a sample, I have scoliosis. This is on top of having three herniated discs in my lower back. No wonder I have been in so much pain.

Sadly I had to cancel the MRI I was suppose to have that day because, although I didn't have menengitis I sure had something that was causing awful symptoms and a fever. Now I have to wait until the 27th to get in to get the MRI of just the pituitary gland with contrast. I know everything happens for a reason though and I am trying to be patient.

This has definitely been a challenging time in life for me. Christmas coming up doesn't make it any easier. Of course the main reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ (even though He wasn't born in December) but family is a close second. My heart has longed for family ever since I was a child. I chose to major in Human and Family Development because besides my Savior I love children and families the most. I believe in the importance of families. I just wish I had someone here to depend on.

It's definitely a different season in my life. I don't really feel at home where I live. It doesn't help that they have been doing home improvements for the past two very long months. I already have migraines daily from the two tumors and putting up with this has been ridiculous. I didn't sleep much last night because they were pounding away at 2 in the morning and their house is 10 feet at the most away from mine. I guess the Lord really is trying to teach me patience. I have tried talking to them about it but to no avail.

I also decided to set new goals and get a head start on 2014 which WILL be a better year than 2013. This past year the word I chose to focus on was joy. This year the word is light. I want to do more things that invite more light into my life. Thinking about that very thing I decided that I would start December 1st, my goal to not eat or drink refined sugar. I am focusing on more covert sugars like candy, pop, cookies, brownies, really anything that sounds oh so yummy to me right now. I am 11 days into it so far and I have done really well. I haven't slipped up even once. I did it for a year with chocolate and now I am praying I can do it for a year with sugar.

I also set a goal to read  all of the scriptures in a year's time. I have time right now to do that and I don't want to waste the time I have. Even though if I am 100% honest I wouldn't mind fast forwarding through this time in my life. I love the scriptures and I know they will give me more strength with whatever I face.

I am learning to let go of fear. I am learning to trust in the Lord more fully. I am learning that the law of heaven is abundance and not scarcity. I am learning that He truly will provide for me in seen and unseen ways. It's still a bit hard since I can't work right now. Half the time I am too sick to even get out of bed. But I know this is temporary and I pray that I can learn the things I need to and move on to better things. Anxiety and fear is definitely generational in my family. My grandma struggled with anxiety horribly although she never had panic attacks like I do or the nightmares. My mom struggled with it too and it invoked a lot of fear in me. I hope and pray I have children and when I do I don't want them growing up in fear. It has held me back from so much!

So 2014 will hopefully be a year where I can let go of even more fear. So many people say I am doing a great job handling this trial. I sure don't feel like it sometimes. I am very grateful for answers though as to why I have felt so awful and so exhausted for such a long period of time. This is definitely a season of answers.

I am focusing a lot on eating healthier. My body, mind and spirit need better fuel. I haven't always been kind to my body. Now I am forced to take care of myself. It's hard for me when I am so use to putting everyone else's needs above my own. It's just so natural to me. But only I can take care of my body. I want to be a wise steward over it. If I keep up the things I am doing I am confident that next year at this time and probably actually a lot sooner I will be at my ideal weight and it will be a lifestyle change that I can keep up. I will be releasing a lot of issues along with the weight.

Although I never would have chosen this time and season in my life I can decide what attitude I have and how I am going to face it. I can live in faith or live in fear. I have spent my whole life living in fear. It's time to choose something else. I choose faith! Just for today I choose joy by facing life with light and faith!