Where is God?

I really, really debated whether or not to write this. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my Savior and Heavenly Father more than anything. I know He loves His children. Right now though when I am hurting and dealing with deep grief, sorrow and health issues at times I wonder where He is.

I have spent the last few days trying to figure everything out. I know a lot logically but right now feeling things deep in my heart is a little more challenging. It frustrates me even more because I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, medical insurance and 99.9% of the time I have my faith. It has seen me through so much pain and heartache.

Right now though, I just hurt. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father much like I have by my earthly father. I think part of the problem is that I am projecting my feelings of abandonment from my earthly father to my Heavenly Father. Again I logically know that our Heavenly Father is perfect and won't abandon us but that doesn't mean I don't feel that way right now. I am sharing this because right now this is part of my journey to wholeness: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am also sharing this so maybe someone can read this and not feel so alone. It doesn't help that I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's kind of like a double whammy.

I have gone down a check list of mine when I feel like He is far away. Here are some things on my checklist.

1) Am I praying at least once a day?
2) Do I have any sins I have not taken care of?
3) Am I reading my scriptures?
4) Am I trying to serve others?
5) Am I truly seeking Him with all I have?

The answer to all of these questions, except #2 is yes. So why do I feel this way? I don't quite know.

I know right now that I miss my family with all I have. It goes beyond missing my grandma, although I definitely miss her a lot too. It's hard feeling so alone. Everyone has their families and not only do I not have a husband and children (which is the truest and purest desire of my heart) but I don't have siblings or a mother or father. In saying this it is not to take away in any part of my gratitude and love that I have for my cousin and his family. Or my uncle in Minnesota and my aunt and cousins there. I just wish they lived closer.

When people are stressing about the perfect gift to get someone inside I am screaming that they should just be grateful that they have family. These tumors on my brain have completely broken me down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have never been so utterly exhausted in my life. I really feel like I have nothing left inside.

I really do normally have good coping skills. I guess I still do. I have had to have good coping skills to endure the things I have to in my life. But now those skills seem so grossly inadequate. Who knew mourning the loss of someone you have loved more than anyone else and having two brain tumors and hormonal imbalances could change the whole game of life.

I know there is a lot in mortality we won't understand. Sometimes a lot of things make sense in retrospect, other times they may never make sense. I know this is just a season in my life. A wave of grief and pain that needs to just be ridden out. But I hurt. Oh how I hurt.

I do take great comfort that my Savior pleaded with His Father to remove the bitter cup, yet He always deferred to the will of the Father. I want this time in my life to bring me closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. Sometimes it feels like God is playing hide and seek and it's hard to find Him.

I read today that you need 4 hugs daily for survival, 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Most of the days I get zero. My heart longs to have someone to love and to hug. Touch is my love language. I want so much to have a husband and children to share my life with. I know I won't ever take the blessing of family for granted. I know that I must be whole first. I must heal so I can marry an emotionally healthy man to do so I must be emotionally healthy. I also refuse to pass down unhealthy familial patterns to my children. The pain and abuse stops with me. I know I will be far from a perfect wife or mom. But I also know I will love with all I have.

I hope and pray I feel the Lord closer this upcoming week. The holidays are tough for sure. I want to feel joyful. I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior but right now I would be grateful just to sleep through it to be honest.

This week I have an appointment for counseling and an MRI with contrast of the pituitary gland on the 27th. Then hopefully the endocrinologist got the preauthorization they needed for a more in depth test that has to be done out patient at the hospital. This will measure my cortisol again. Then I have an appointment with Dr. Little, my new neurosurgeon on the 14th of January. They said they would try to get me in sooner. I wish the first neurosurgeon had viewed the MRI and decided it was out of his area of expertise BEFORE I had to go see him and get transferred to another doctor. I truly believe everything happens for a reason but all of this waiting gets frustrating at times.

I have decided since I can't really do much of anything right now that at least I can read self improvement books and push myself to grow in that area. The word I chose for 2014 is LIGHT. I am praying to clear darkness out of my life through the power of light. I hope I can heal in every way possible.

I had no clue last year at this time what a year would bring. I always like things laid out beforehand. In this case though I am so glad I didn't know. It would have been way too overwhelming.

A year ago yesterday, my grandma had broken her shoulder at her assisted living place. It hurt so deeply to know that she had laid there for an hour before someone got to her. She even had one of those life alert bracelets that you push and a nurse comes (well he or she should have). I remember being so grateful that they had taken her off of blood thinners just a few weeks before. If they hadn't she would have bled out. Her nurse saved her life.

After her fall I had a really hard time trusting that her needs would be met. I lived 45 minutes away but tried to come as often as I could to see her. Her hospice nurse was great too. After she was in the hospital they sent her to a rehab place. Her doctor was amazing. He actually called me and told me he had bad news. I remember he asked me if I had someone there with me and my answer was no. Again I had to face this alone. He told me her blood work showed that her body was not producing enough protein. She had a hard time breathing before that and would aspirate on just water. It was heartbreaking to see someone that I love hurt that much. I knew at least when I lived with her that I was right there if she fell or wasn't eating or needed anything. The last two years before I put her into assisted living, I was afraid to even go get groceries in fear that she would fall. Her doctor told me she had 1 to 3 months to live.

I heard the words and knew they were coming but those words were so hard to hear. Then I thought about how she had a stroke, a mini stroke, a heart attack, a kidney infection that made her hallucinate and had to have her gallbladder removed in just a year and a half's worth of time. She was one tough cookie. She had 12 inches of her colon removed in 2006 after she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a stroke that year too. She had tuberculosis as a child. She also almost died when her appendix ruptured. She was so sick and in a coma with that one. It was before my mom was even born.

When I saw her in the rehab my heart just broke. She had been in so many following all of her health issues. This one though was so dark and depressing. When I saw her on the 23rd, she told me how hard it was for her there. I always tried to be a good advocate for her. I talked to her doctor to see if we could get her out of there before Christmas. He agreed but only if she went on hospice. She was so happy to get out of there that hospice sounded just fine to her.

Her wonderful doctor made arrangements to get her out of there the next day which was Christmas Eve. I felt like I sprung her from jail. She was so happy.

We were able to eat Christmas dinner together at her assisted living place. She was in amazing spirits and her pain tolerance is incredible. I wish I had inherited that from her. She was all decked out in her Christmas sweater and all smiles. I am so glad I have that as one of my last memories of her.

She asked me if hospice meant she was dying. I didn't want to lie to her but at the same time there was no point in my opinion of telling her she had 1 to 3 months to live. So I told her no one knew when she would die but God. That this was just a little extra help she needed.

At the time though I didn't realize how much I needed the help! I am so grateful for her hospice nurse Juls who was there for me. I am grateful that at the end I insisted that they admit her to hospice even just to keep her comfortable. She had gotten so dehydrated. I still talk occasionally to the grief counselor there. She has helped me a lot.

I know this is her first year truly home for Christmas. She is there with all of her loved ones. I just miss her here on earth sometimes. Hopefully by next year my heart will feel a little less heavy and I won't hurt as much as I do. At least I still have hope.

Just for today I choose joy, even if I have to create my own!