*If you are not a member of the LDS church I realize some of the terminology may be confusing. I welcome questions so please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I promise I have pretty much heard it all and it won't offend me.*
I am struggling A LOT with dropping my classes this semester. I know there will be financial consequences and for awhile I really thought maybe I could make it through my classes somehow. I prayed a lot about it and the answer was to get a medical withdraw this semester. That was not the answer I wanted but I know right now I can't concentrate to save my life which is frustrating at times.
As I was praying about this the scripture from the Pearl of Great Price hit me (thank you scripture masteries from Seminary) in Moses where it says, "This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The Spirit hit me SO hard when it whispered,"If that is how important my work is to me, what makes you think it is any less important for you to focus on that?" This may not make sense to some but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.
We forget so often that we are human beings not human doings. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that my worth isn't tied to what I am doing. I know the Lord expects great things from me. I know that I am capable of great things but right now He is teaching me that nothing matters more than my identity as His daughter. Not finally graduating from ASU (seriously 2 classes college algebra and a science and society class they tacked on). Not doing research. Not a calling in church. Nothing matters more than our identity as children of God.
It is hard to focus right now on me. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mom and then my grandma. But I am learning that I need to focus on my needs and that's not selfish. If I want to help the most people I have to be healthy myself. And no one can fulfill my mission in life. No one can fulfill yours.
So for now I will focus on healing my body. As reminded by some of my amazing friends, I have to really focus on eating healthy and walking every day.
I don't know what lays ahead right now. Am I nervous? I would be lying if I didn't say I do have some anxiety. But lately peace has come easier than before and I am SO grateful!
I am learning about patience and being still which is another hard lesson for me. It's frustrating working with doctor appointments and having blood drawn when my veins don't like to cooperate.
I have realized early on in this battle if I do not keep an eternal perspective I will fall apart! I really will. I have to have faith that the Lord can use even this to bless my life and hopefully others' lives. That this will build in me greater trust and faith in the Lord.
I really felt prompted to start this blog when I did. I will admit though lately I have struggled with being vulnerable and so open. But I think that vulnerability is beautiful in others. I also want my story to give others hope and make them not feel so alone.
Life can be challenging. I always think I want to see the whole path laid out but the more I thought about it, I don't think I would want that. A year ago my grandma was still alive. She seemed invincible to me. She had survived countless strokes, mini strokes and heart attacks and beat colon cancer at 86! I am glad I didn't know that the time with her on earth would soon be coming to a close.
I am glad I didn't know that I had this tumor on my brain back then. My grandma would worry far too much about it if she knew. Although now I am so grateful to get answers as to why I feel so yucky.
Life is a profound journey of faith. But like the scriptures say I know in whom I trust. I trust in the Lord. I feel Him near me. On the days that seem unbearable, He is there. On the great days, He is there. He always has been and always will be.
Whatever it is you are going through in your life, please have hope that it will get better. God keeps His promises! He has promised me many things that have not happened yet in my life and I know He always delivers. So I have faith that in His timing and His way all things will work together for my good.
I remember leaving my grandma's assisted living place on the way to a baptism of my dear friend Casey. Ironically I had met Casey when she was my nurse's aid in the hospital. She had felt peace in my room and we exchanged numbers. It was such a blessing to be there as she took the lessons and to be there at her baptism and sing was amazing!
On the way I thought of the contrast, I knew my grandma was going to be dying soon (and she did less than a week later). I was also so overcome with joy that my friends was joining the church. It reminded me of my own baptism many years earlier.
In the car as I was driving and struggling with the impending death of my gram, the Spirit whispered to me, "ALL things work together your good because you love me. Debbie, what part of ALL don't you understand?" Oh how powerful that moment was. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. What part of ALL wasn't I understanding? Did I really not have enough faith to know that this was all part of the plan?
So now as I go through this I truly do have a testimony that ALL means just what it says. We may not understand WHY things happen in our lives. And if you are anything like me you want to know why. But we can have assurance that ALL will work together for our good. EVERYTHING! That is the power of the atonement. Just for today I choose JOY because ALL things will work together for my good. This tumor is only temporary. These issues with ASU are temporary. Financial concerns are temporary. Who He is building to me is ETERNAL! Who He is building you to be is ETERNAL. So with the set backs in life remember you are a precious, loved son or daughter of God!
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