Hello my friends! I have no clue who is reading my blog but I am not censoring my thought so who goes. Let me start by saying I am exhausted so I apologize in advance for any misspellings. Besides I am trying to remind myself that perfection is overrated right!?! Well to me it is and that is a huge " traditions of the fathers" I have had to relearn.
Normally when I blog at 3:30 am it means I haven't slept. This is not the case tonight. I woke up from a bad nightmare and decided to check my facebook. I should have let that wait until morning because let's face it EVERYTHING is better with sleep, right?!?
I was also friends with the whole family and one of his sisters that I was the closest too told me she felt like she was more like a mother to me than a sister. Honestly this broke my heart. It still hurts. No amount of anything will make the pain go away right now. I have to mourn that loss I suppose. So now I am mourning the loss of losing that family and losing my grandma. The pain is so real. It's awful.
I am FAR from perfect but whenever anything is brought to my attention I try hard to fix it. This just hurts too deeply to express in words. Maybe because I am already dealing with such a huge loss with my grandma. Maybe because I don't walk away from friendships unless I have tried many many times to fix things. Maybe because I love these people very much and can't handle the thought of not having them in my life. But it hurts. It hurts a lot.
People can't understand that as an adult child of alcoholics there are things we may have never learned before. Most have no clue how hard we are trying to heal and how painful it can be at times. Most can't comprehend what it would be like to take away their mother and daughter completely from birth, give them an alcoholic mother with multiple personalities who beat them, swore at them, called them names and then acted like a 3 yr old a 5 yr old and an 11 year because of MPD. Or then for her to go through treatment from her alcoholism and the MPD just to develop bi polar and live through that hell of her thinking munchskins were stealing the car or have her pull a knife out on them. Most of them have no idea what it is like to have nowhere to run to. And then, on top of that, to be molested every night.
Then let's go ahead and add a dad in there that all he ever does is pop in and out of your life until you are 13 (Seriously that is the very last time I saw him). He, too, was an alcoholic. Have him make promises and never keep them. And for your father to completely abandon you.
Sisters and brothers? Sorry. No go there. You are on your own kid. Your job is to raise your mom.
So when I have someone tell me they feel like they are more like a mother to me than a sister few things can hurt more. If she thinks she could live a better life than me have at it. I am exhausted emotionally and physically right now. My heart hurts so badly. I am being proactive and in counseling. I read my scriptures, say my prayers and listen to Christian music. I do the best I can to serve others when my health permits. I do ALL that I can. ALL. But if she could do it better than me she can have my life.
I am done writing about this. My blog is more like my journal. But please, I implore you, if someone is already hurting don't add rocks to their bag of pain. It hasn't even been 6 months since my grandma died. If it has to be said wait for the right time.
Right now I hate to say it but this HAS changed me. I don't want to be around anyone for now. I won't be posting on my facebook for awhile. I don't feel safe just being me. I acknowledge my many many imperfections. But man I am trying. I have been through quite a bit. I now don't know who to trust in my life and who I can't. I wish she had told me this before when she felt this way. It makes me want to give on people in general and not interact because it's too painful. It makes me wonder if people are really in my life because they love me or because they feel a duty. I don't have blood related brothers and sisters. I have always been grateful for those who have been like my brothers and sisters now I don't know how I feel about that. I just feel pain I guess.
Just for today I choose joy by having grace on myself and others and crawling back under the sheets of my bed. Tears purify the soul.
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