It is hard to say those words. Especially to people I don't even know who are reading this but it is time. This is what I shared on my facebook and I wanted to share it here: I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My mom died 14 years ago today. I am at a point in my life where I am really facing the truth. She died of chronic alcohol use. Yes I am a daughter of 2 alcoholics. But I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. The only thing that has given me the strength to make it through the trials in my life is my personal experiences with my Savior. I know He is real. I know He loves me. I know He is in the business of changing not only individual lives but families. I know that through my choices I can purify my family lineage. It isn't easy. Some days are harder than others. But I am grateful for the power the atonement gives me to try harder and when I make mistakes to draw closer to my Savior. I am posting this so other people won't feel alone. Also as a reminder that whatever family we come from doesn't have to determine where we go in life. We can be the one to break the unhealthy patterns.
There is I said it. Why did I say it? Why now? The answer is simple. To help other people not feel so alone. To help even those who don't have alcoholism or drug addiction or any addiction for that matter in their family to know that there is still much to be done to heal previous generations. God has promised us great blessings if we choose to honor Him and break unhealthy patterns.
It is not easy. Being the daughter of two alcoholics, definitely took it's toll at times. I was responsible for things at a way too early age. Perfection was also always stressed and although I did do well in school (barring math), I didn't always get As. It is part of the reason I had an eating disorder.
Outside looking in, you would have never known. I learned at an early age that you slap a smile no your face no matter what is happening at home. You learn to smile through the most challenging circumstances. I think it throws doctors off when I am in horrendous pain and yet I appear normal. Old patterns are hard to die. I still have a hard time not putting on an act that everything is okay when I am hurting. I am grateful for friends like family who can see past those walls.
Last week I had a crazy day. I was just feeling emotionally drained after the ER being complete jerks and then the bank acting the same. I came home and the toilet overflowed. Thank goodness for people who talked me off the ledge. I just broke down and cried. I am still dealing with my grandma's death and my childhood which can be hard at times. I am grateful for my friends who talked my off that ledge. There was a metal thing on the side where I guess you turn the water off. She was absolutely floored that I had never heard of it or done it. I disolved in tears.
As I was wiping up the mess with towels, it just made me wonder how many more basic skills have I missed? Even though I try so very hard. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. There is so much I didn't learn as the daughter of a mentally ill alcoholic. But I am learning now. It is never too late to learn.
I didn't have any plans for this blog. But I feel it can help others not feel alone so feel free to share it. I know the path Children of Alcoholics, mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive parents have. But don't lose hope. Change is possible. Forget one day at a time. I need the grace of God one hour, one minute, one second of a time. I am grateful for His influence in my life as I start this journey. That He is gracious when I fall and His love never fails!
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