Today I couldn't make it to church which really upset me. I had a cyst rupture again and I was super frustrated. I decided since I couldn't be at church I would pray that I would know what to listen to and that there would be a message for me. I ended up watching a sermon by Joel Osteen. I really like him although I don't think of him really as a pastor but kind of a motivational speaker. But today his message was really good.
Being the one who changes unhealthy patterns in your family of origin is hard. I won't sugar coat that. Part of the reason I decided to major in Family and Human Development was to better understand my own family issues. I definitely learned a lot. I am also grateful that my grandma in her later years was a lot more open. I believe secrets are toxic in families. They breed shame, anger and just tension of holding everything inside.
In my family there is 5 generations of pedophiles and sex abuse victims, many generations of domestic violence and a whole lot of unhealthy communication. At times these patterns seem pretty overwhelming as I try to heal these patterns.
Today as I was listening to his message, 2 things really stuck out. First, my Heavenly Father is SO aware of my needs. The song, "How Great Thou Art" was sung at my mom's funeral, my grandma's funeral and I even sung it at my friend's baptism ironically a few days before my grandma died. That song ALWAYS reminds me that God is aware of me and my needs. Music hits me really hard. It tends to stay with me for a very long time.
The second thing I learned is that when you change a pattern in your family you don't only get the blessings you would in your own life but you also get the blessings that were never redeem in their lives. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I have to say that I don't hold the past against anyone in my family. I truly believe they did their best. I finally learned they can do their best AND it can be inadequate and that's okay to say. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything is perfect.
Then I was watching something else and someone talked about how past sins can't destroy the mission we have in our lives. I REALLY struggled with that. I have definitely made choices I am not proud of. I have, at times, fallen. But every time I fall I get back up again. I am sad about the opportunities I may have missed to serve others and bring them closer to Christ. But I am so grateful for the grace of God that makes ALL things possible. Our God IS a God of redemption. He is a God of grace. He IS a God of mercy. We can rest in His grace. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the grace of God and knowing I have NEVER fallen too far from His grace. Nor have you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fall from His grace.
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