I couldn't let this month end without talking about Thanksgiving and the power of gratitude in our lives. This has been an interesting year for me. I have faced the death of my grandma and health issues I never thought I would. But I have learned more than ever before the power in being grateful. I have seen incredible blessings and answers to prayers.
Years ago, my friend and I would play what I called, "The Happy Game". Basically if something went wrong we would say 5 things that could have happened that would have been worse. I did this recently. I was amazed at all of the things I could find to be grateful for. I know the Lord loves a grateful heart ad I am working harder to express and be more grateful.
I now realize how truly blessed I am. I have deep faith in a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me personally. I have the power of blessings in my life and scriptures and prayer. I have people who love and care about me and see my needs. I am grateful for every experience I have had in my life. The bitter and the sweet ones.
So instead of trying to find the fast forward button through this season in life. (I have tried, trust me when I say it doesn't exist.) I will find JOY. I will be GRATEFUL. I will understand that the Lord is preparing me for eternity and some bumps and bruises are all part of what I signed up for.
Normally I set goals on the 1st of the year. This year I am doing it a bit differently. I decided to start December 1st. I am going off sugar, eating vegetables and fruits and basically redoing and rethinking everything in my life. I am also going to read the standard works in one year. Anyone want to do this with me? I am excited for change.
I am going to work harder in this year to be grateful. To not forget how much the Lord has blessed me with. To find joy amid the junk in life. Just for today I choose joy by choosing to be grateful.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Our Priorities In Life And The Lessons I Am Learning And Ramblings
*If you are not a member of the LDS church I realize some of the terminology may be confusing. I welcome questions so please don't hesitate to ask me anything. I promise I have pretty much heard it all and it won't offend me.*
I am struggling A LOT with dropping my classes this semester. I know there will be financial consequences and for awhile I really thought maybe I could make it through my classes somehow. I prayed a lot about it and the answer was to get a medical withdraw this semester. That was not the answer I wanted but I know right now I can't concentrate to save my life which is frustrating at times.
As I was praying about this the scripture from the Pearl of Great Price hit me (thank you scripture masteries from Seminary) in Moses where it says, "This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The Spirit hit me SO hard when it whispered,"If that is how important my work is to me, what makes you think it is any less important for you to focus on that?" This may not make sense to some but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.
We forget so often that we are human beings not human doings. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that my worth isn't tied to what I am doing. I know the Lord expects great things from me. I know that I am capable of great things but right now He is teaching me that nothing matters more than my identity as His daughter. Not finally graduating from ASU (seriously 2 classes college algebra and a science and society class they tacked on). Not doing research. Not a calling in church. Nothing matters more than our identity as children of God.
It is hard to focus right now on me. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mom and then my grandma. But I am learning that I need to focus on my needs and that's not selfish. If I want to help the most people I have to be healthy myself. And no one can fulfill my mission in life. No one can fulfill yours.
So for now I will focus on healing my body. As reminded by some of my amazing friends, I have to really focus on eating healthy and walking every day.
I don't know what lays ahead right now. Am I nervous? I would be lying if I didn't say I do have some anxiety. But lately peace has come easier than before and I am SO grateful!
I am learning about patience and being still which is another hard lesson for me. It's frustrating working with doctor appointments and having blood drawn when my veins don't like to cooperate.
I have realized early on in this battle if I do not keep an eternal perspective I will fall apart! I really will. I have to have faith that the Lord can use even this to bless my life and hopefully others' lives. That this will build in me greater trust and faith in the Lord.
I really felt prompted to start this blog when I did. I will admit though lately I have struggled with being vulnerable and so open. But I think that vulnerability is beautiful in others. I also want my story to give others hope and make them not feel so alone.
Life can be challenging. I always think I want to see the whole path laid out but the more I thought about it, I don't think I would want that. A year ago my grandma was still alive. She seemed invincible to me. She had survived countless strokes, mini strokes and heart attacks and beat colon cancer at 86! I am glad I didn't know that the time with her on earth would soon be coming to a close.
I am glad I didn't know that I had this tumor on my brain back then. My grandma would worry far too much about it if she knew. Although now I am so grateful to get answers as to why I feel so yucky.
Life is a profound journey of faith. But like the scriptures say I know in whom I trust. I trust in the Lord. I feel Him near me. On the days that seem unbearable, He is there. On the great days, He is there. He always has been and always will be.
Whatever it is you are going through in your life, please have hope that it will get better. God keeps His promises! He has promised me many things that have not happened yet in my life and I know He always delivers. So I have faith that in His timing and His way all things will work together for my good.
I remember leaving my grandma's assisted living place on the way to a baptism of my dear friend Casey. Ironically I had met Casey when she was my nurse's aid in the hospital. She had felt peace in my room and we exchanged numbers. It was such a blessing to be there as she took the lessons and to be there at her baptism and sing was amazing!
On the way I thought of the contrast, I knew my grandma was going to be dying soon (and she did less than a week later). I was also so overcome with joy that my friends was joining the church. It reminded me of my own baptism many years earlier.
In the car as I was driving and struggling with the impending death of my gram, the Spirit whispered to me, "ALL things work together your good because you love me. Debbie, what part of ALL don't you understand?" Oh how powerful that moment was. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. What part of ALL wasn't I understanding? Did I really not have enough faith to know that this was all part of the plan?
So now as I go through this I truly do have a testimony that ALL means just what it says. We may not understand WHY things happen in our lives. And if you are anything like me you want to know why. But we can have assurance that ALL will work together for our good. EVERYTHING! That is the power of the atonement. Just for today I choose JOY because ALL things will work together for my good. This tumor is only temporary. These issues with ASU are temporary. Financial concerns are temporary. Who He is building to me is ETERNAL! Who He is building you to be is ETERNAL. So with the set backs in life remember you are a precious, loved son or daughter of God!
I am struggling A LOT with dropping my classes this semester. I know there will be financial consequences and for awhile I really thought maybe I could make it through my classes somehow. I prayed a lot about it and the answer was to get a medical withdraw this semester. That was not the answer I wanted but I know right now I can't concentrate to save my life which is frustrating at times.
As I was praying about this the scripture from the Pearl of Great Price hit me (thank you scripture masteries from Seminary) in Moses where it says, "This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The Spirit hit me SO hard when it whispered,"If that is how important my work is to me, what makes you think it is any less important for you to focus on that?" This may not make sense to some but to me it hit me like a ton of bricks.
We forget so often that we are human beings not human doings. One of the hardest things I have had to learn is that my worth isn't tied to what I am doing. I know the Lord expects great things from me. I know that I am capable of great things but right now He is teaching me that nothing matters more than my identity as His daughter. Not finally graduating from ASU (seriously 2 classes college algebra and a science and society class they tacked on). Not doing research. Not a calling in church. Nothing matters more than our identity as children of God.
It is hard to focus right now on me. I have spent my whole life taking care of my mom and then my grandma. But I am learning that I need to focus on my needs and that's not selfish. If I want to help the most people I have to be healthy myself. And no one can fulfill my mission in life. No one can fulfill yours.
So for now I will focus on healing my body. As reminded by some of my amazing friends, I have to really focus on eating healthy and walking every day.
I don't know what lays ahead right now. Am I nervous? I would be lying if I didn't say I do have some anxiety. But lately peace has come easier than before and I am SO grateful!
I am learning about patience and being still which is another hard lesson for me. It's frustrating working with doctor appointments and having blood drawn when my veins don't like to cooperate.
I have realized early on in this battle if I do not keep an eternal perspective I will fall apart! I really will. I have to have faith that the Lord can use even this to bless my life and hopefully others' lives. That this will build in me greater trust and faith in the Lord.
I really felt prompted to start this blog when I did. I will admit though lately I have struggled with being vulnerable and so open. But I think that vulnerability is beautiful in others. I also want my story to give others hope and make them not feel so alone.
Life can be challenging. I always think I want to see the whole path laid out but the more I thought about it, I don't think I would want that. A year ago my grandma was still alive. She seemed invincible to me. She had survived countless strokes, mini strokes and heart attacks and beat colon cancer at 86! I am glad I didn't know that the time with her on earth would soon be coming to a close.
I am glad I didn't know that I had this tumor on my brain back then. My grandma would worry far too much about it if she knew. Although now I am so grateful to get answers as to why I feel so yucky.
Life is a profound journey of faith. But like the scriptures say I know in whom I trust. I trust in the Lord. I feel Him near me. On the days that seem unbearable, He is there. On the great days, He is there. He always has been and always will be.
Whatever it is you are going through in your life, please have hope that it will get better. God keeps His promises! He has promised me many things that have not happened yet in my life and I know He always delivers. So I have faith that in His timing and His way all things will work together for my good.
I remember leaving my grandma's assisted living place on the way to a baptism of my dear friend Casey. Ironically I had met Casey when she was my nurse's aid in the hospital. She had felt peace in my room and we exchanged numbers. It was such a blessing to be there as she took the lessons and to be there at her baptism and sing was amazing!
On the way I thought of the contrast, I knew my grandma was going to be dying soon (and she did less than a week later). I was also so overcome with joy that my friends was joining the church. It reminded me of my own baptism many years earlier.
In the car as I was driving and struggling with the impending death of my gram, the Spirit whispered to me, "ALL things work together your good because you love me. Debbie, what part of ALL don't you understand?" Oh how powerful that moment was. It really hit me like a ton of bricks. What part of ALL wasn't I understanding? Did I really not have enough faith to know that this was all part of the plan?
So now as I go through this I truly do have a testimony that ALL means just what it says. We may not understand WHY things happen in our lives. And if you are anything like me you want to know why. But we can have assurance that ALL will work together for our good. EVERYTHING! That is the power of the atonement. Just for today I choose JOY because ALL things will work together for my good. This tumor is only temporary. These issues with ASU are temporary. Financial concerns are temporary. Who He is building to me is ETERNAL! Who He is building you to be is ETERNAL. So with the set backs in life remember you are a precious, loved son or daughter of God!
Friday, October 25, 2013
How do I even get caught up?
I mean both on this blog and in everything in my life. Where do I even start? I guess I will start with my conference thoughts. I needed this general conference so very much. I knew it at the time, but I knew it even more the week after. I was disciplined and watched all four 2 hour sessions at the time they were broadcast. I felt so spiritually hungry much like how physically hungry we feel on Thanksgiving excited for the treats that await us. I am going to do more blog posts about conference because some of the talks I want to explore in depth. In fact, I will likely take a talk a post and discuss it and some quotes from it. For now I will talk a bit about what happened the week after general conference.
I had been sick for awhile. I had the coughing junk that went around but that I was use to. I knew the protocol and I knew that whether I took medication or not prescribed by a doctor it wouldn't stop the duration of asthmatic bronchitis. Instead I used what I had on hand and made it through that. I am very grateful that had cleared up.
Then I started having pretty severe pain no matter what I ate. It was so bad that it hurt if I ate jello. It got so unbearable I went to the doctor's office. I was so dehydrated that my pulse was over 130. The doctor sent me straight to the ER. This isn't the first time it has happened either. I, in my not so infinite wisdom, refused to go to Chandler Regional and was on my way to Gilbert Hospital when I had a complete tire blow out. Again. Seriously this is the 3rd tire in a year what on earth is wrong with my car? I called a sweet friend and we left my car in the parking lot at Walgreens and off to the hospital we went.
After much testing they found 2 things wrong with me and started me on antibiotics. One of the things was pretty serious and my doctor the next day was livid that they hadn't kept me at the hospital but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason! It really does! In fact, if I had gone to Chandler Regional which is right by my doctor's office, and they had released me late at night, it would have been 3 or 4 in the morning and I would have had a flat tire. There are always blessings to be found.
The next day my heart rate was still high. Even after 2 bags of IV fluids. My doctor decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. To make a long story short I was there Tuesday through Saturday night. They did a test and found my cortisol level to be low. I have had issues with my adrenal glands as long as I can remember. It happens with stress and anxiety and let's just say from birth to now I have had a lot to deal with. They did an MRI or CT scan (I can't remember) and they found a tumor on my brain in my pitutitary gland.
So now I am on steroids (which makes it super challenging since they make me so sick), I have a handful of referals to an endocrinologist, neurosurgeon and neurologist. All this while trying to deal with the pain from endo and also healing from the loss of my grandma.
But I feel blessed they found it. It could be so much worse. It can ALWAYS be so much worse. I believe I had to be in the hospital for them to do this cortisol test. It was challenging because I hate being poked with needles. Hate it. But for this test which they repeated twice I had to be poked 3 times each time. According to a sweet nurse, my veins are like sheet metal. It was always a challenge to get the blood and my IVs kept not working right either so they had to change it out 3 times.
I am so grateful for those who came to visit me while I was in the hospital. And for all those who have shown love since then. I had felt so alone after losing my grandma. It was a blessing to have people who truly care about me there for me. I have been indeed blessed with many angels in my life and I hope to attract more good people in my life. There has been a definite shift in my life and I am grateful for those who have stood by me and loved me at my worst.
I also found out during this same time that my ex fiance, Jeremy, got married to someone he knew for a month online and then 2 days in person. I have so many mixed feelings there. Domestic violence is a complicated issue. I love him as a son of God but obviously not romantically at all. I have a heart that sees the good in everyone and minimizes the bad. I believe we are all a little (some more than a little) broken. I wish him the best. I will also be very careful who I give my heart to next time. If it's not right and the Lord doesn't approve, I know I won't ever be fully happy. As for J, I wish him the best. I hope he chooses to change his life and spread light in the world. It's truly not in me to hate anyone. I hate what he did but I can't hate him. I am grateful that one day I will marry a man who loves me fully and who I love fully. I pray every day to live worthy of the man who will one day become my husband. As cheesy as it sounds I love him already. I feel it will be a beautiful reunion when it happens. And having gone through the bitter experiences I have has just made me appreciate the sweet even more. My future husband will be adored, loved, appreciated and so much more. I know one day an eternity with him will make all of these trials worth it. I just wish today was that day.
I had been sick for awhile. I had the coughing junk that went around but that I was use to. I knew the protocol and I knew that whether I took medication or not prescribed by a doctor it wouldn't stop the duration of asthmatic bronchitis. Instead I used what I had on hand and made it through that. I am very grateful that had cleared up.
Then I started having pretty severe pain no matter what I ate. It was so bad that it hurt if I ate jello. It got so unbearable I went to the doctor's office. I was so dehydrated that my pulse was over 130. The doctor sent me straight to the ER. This isn't the first time it has happened either. I, in my not so infinite wisdom, refused to go to Chandler Regional and was on my way to Gilbert Hospital when I had a complete tire blow out. Again. Seriously this is the 3rd tire in a year what on earth is wrong with my car? I called a sweet friend and we left my car in the parking lot at Walgreens and off to the hospital we went.
After much testing they found 2 things wrong with me and started me on antibiotics. One of the things was pretty serious and my doctor the next day was livid that they hadn't kept me at the hospital but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason! It really does! In fact, if I had gone to Chandler Regional which is right by my doctor's office, and they had released me late at night, it would have been 3 or 4 in the morning and I would have had a flat tire. There are always blessings to be found.
The next day my heart rate was still high. Even after 2 bags of IV fluids. My doctor decided that I needed to be admitted to the hospital. To make a long story short I was there Tuesday through Saturday night. They did a test and found my cortisol level to be low. I have had issues with my adrenal glands as long as I can remember. It happens with stress and anxiety and let's just say from birth to now I have had a lot to deal with. They did an MRI or CT scan (I can't remember) and they found a tumor on my brain in my pitutitary gland.
So now I am on steroids (which makes it super challenging since they make me so sick), I have a handful of referals to an endocrinologist, neurosurgeon and neurologist. All this while trying to deal with the pain from endo and also healing from the loss of my grandma.
But I feel blessed they found it. It could be so much worse. It can ALWAYS be so much worse. I believe I had to be in the hospital for them to do this cortisol test. It was challenging because I hate being poked with needles. Hate it. But for this test which they repeated twice I had to be poked 3 times each time. According to a sweet nurse, my veins are like sheet metal. It was always a challenge to get the blood and my IVs kept not working right either so they had to change it out 3 times.
I am so grateful for those who came to visit me while I was in the hospital. And for all those who have shown love since then. I had felt so alone after losing my grandma. It was a blessing to have people who truly care about me there for me. I have been indeed blessed with many angels in my life and I hope to attract more good people in my life. There has been a definite shift in my life and I am grateful for those who have stood by me and loved me at my worst.
I also found out during this same time that my ex fiance, Jeremy, got married to someone he knew for a month online and then 2 days in person. I have so many mixed feelings there. Domestic violence is a complicated issue. I love him as a son of God but obviously not romantically at all. I have a heart that sees the good in everyone and minimizes the bad. I believe we are all a little (some more than a little) broken. I wish him the best. I will also be very careful who I give my heart to next time. If it's not right and the Lord doesn't approve, I know I won't ever be fully happy. As for J, I wish him the best. I hope he chooses to change his life and spread light in the world. It's truly not in me to hate anyone. I hate what he did but I can't hate him. I am grateful that one day I will marry a man who loves me fully and who I love fully. I pray every day to live worthy of the man who will one day become my husband. As cheesy as it sounds I love him already. I feel it will be a beautiful reunion when it happens. And having gone through the bitter experiences I have has just made me appreciate the sweet even more. My future husband will be adored, loved, appreciated and so much more. I know one day an eternity with him will make all of these trials worth it. I just wish today was that day.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Progression Not Perfection
This has been on my mind A LOT! I have been a perfectionist my whole life. I was never satisfied in my classes with getting 95% on a test, I wanted a 100%. We won't be perfect in this life. It's not possible. Sometimes perfectionism can paralyze us and stunt our growth.
Last night I read this quote : “From the fall of Adam and Eve to the present, individuals and even entire cultures have made a variety of attempts to compensate for or to cover their inadequacies. Our obsessions with such things as physical appearance, acceptance, accomplishment, power, prominence, and prosperity (I would add Identity) are often attempts to deal with feelings of inadequacy and shame. The concern with covering ourselves in these ways is that in time, each proves inadequate to provide the protection and peace we hope for. At some point each of us must come to understand that there is no relationship in which we can rejoice, success we can celebrate, or possession we can appreciate that can take the place of a relationship with God and an understanding of the redemption made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Other solutions are much like fig leaves—they might provide a temporary solution to an immediate problem, but in the end they do not provide the protection we need or the salvation we seek.” He continues, ”Shame is one of the adversary’s most destructive tools and is unique among the related emotions of guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done or not done; embarrassment has to do with our feelings about how others see us. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are; it relates to how we see ourselves. “The deepest shame is not shame in the eyes of others but weakness in one’s own eyes.” ~ Daniel K. Judd
This is so true. In church on Sunday I thought about everyone who was there and all of the secrets held inside. Only things brought to the light can be fully healed. We have hidden things like addictions, codependency, abuse, and other incorrect traditions of the family. I believe that we can be the redemptive generation. We an be the ones that repair the breech. But that can't happen when we are hiding.
I am grateful for the grace of God. Oh how grateful I am. It is only through Him that I can make it through mortality. It is only through Him that I can stand strong when the waves seem so overwhelming. As I have struggled with healing the past it has been through Him that I have found comfort and peace.
I have tried very hard to find the joy in the darkest day. It is there. There are so many tender mercies I have experienced to ever think otherwise. I know that only when He is in the center of my healing will I ever fully heal.
Last night I read this quote : “From the fall of Adam and Eve to the present, individuals and even entire cultures have made a variety of attempts to compensate for or to cover their inadequacies. Our obsessions with such things as physical appearance, acceptance, accomplishment, power, prominence, and prosperity (I would add Identity) are often attempts to deal with feelings of inadequacy and shame. The concern with covering ourselves in these ways is that in time, each proves inadequate to provide the protection and peace we hope for. At some point each of us must come to understand that there is no relationship in which we can rejoice, success we can celebrate, or possession we can appreciate that can take the place of a relationship with God and an understanding of the redemption made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Other solutions are much like fig leaves—they might provide a temporary solution to an immediate problem, but in the end they do not provide the protection we need or the salvation we seek.” He continues, ”Shame is one of the adversary’s most destructive tools and is unique among the related emotions of guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done or not done; embarrassment has to do with our feelings about how others see us. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are; it relates to how we see ourselves. “The deepest shame is not shame in the eyes of others but weakness in one’s own eyes.” ~ Daniel K. Judd
This is so true. In church on Sunday I thought about everyone who was there and all of the secrets held inside. Only things brought to the light can be fully healed. We have hidden things like addictions, codependency, abuse, and other incorrect traditions of the family. I believe that we can be the redemptive generation. We an be the ones that repair the breech. But that can't happen when we are hiding.
I am grateful for the grace of God. Oh how grateful I am. It is only through Him that I can make it through mortality. It is only through Him that I can stand strong when the waves seem so overwhelming. As I have struggled with healing the past it has been through Him that I have found comfort and peace.
I have tried very hard to find the joy in the darkest day. It is there. There are so many tender mercies I have experienced to ever think otherwise. I know that only when He is in the center of my healing will I ever fully heal.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Waiting On The Lord
I haven't been able to sleep yet so I decided that I would blog. It's been awhile since I have because I had to get a new power cord. There has also been so much in my heart and on my mind.
There are two conference talks right now that come to mind as I think about trusting the Lord, His will and His perfect timing. One is entitled, "But If Not". Here is the link and I highly recommend listening to it or reading it: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng . Here are a few of my favorite quotes: "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
This is the quote that keeps me going a lot, " Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." I wish I knew the whys sometimes in life. I really do. I think we all wish sometimes in our lives we could really understand why things are happening or trying to be patient and wait on the Lord.
I am so grateful that through Jesus Christ those blessings DO come. They come on His time table. They come in His way.
As I am confronting some pretty serious issues in my life I am learning again to have hope. I have pretty much my whole life but I lost sight of that the last few years of my life. My childhood was filled with some pretty heavy junk. But I know I can drop my burdens at His feet and I am learning to. Oh what a process that is for us in mortality.
I find myself asking all of the time, "What do I have control over in this situation?" If the answer is nothing or I have done all I can do then I have to wait on the Lord. I have to trust that He sees the road ahead of me. That He has navigated mortality while I am still in my infancy learning how to be like Him.
So for those of you struggling with anything, waiting on the Lord is the only way to lasting peace. Just for today I choose joy by waiting on the Lord. I choose to trust in HIS ways and HIS plans even when I don't understand the whys. In mortality we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. It has been painful to still be single. It has been painful to see my friends want righteous things so badly yet have those blessings delayed. I have seen friends struggle with infertility and wonder why. I have seen friends struggle with ongoing health issues without any resolution. I have seen friends struggle with the lingering affects of other people's agency. I have faith that when we wait on the Lord He never disappoints. He has our best interest at heart and knows who He is preparing us to become and that is like Him. How can we be pure and holy without going through the Refiner's fire?
There are two conference talks right now that come to mind as I think about trusting the Lord, His will and His perfect timing. One is entitled, "But If Not". Here is the link and I highly recommend listening to it or reading it: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng . Here are a few of my favorite quotes: "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
Tonight as I was working on my family history it had a space that said find or add a spouse. Oh how much my heart longs for that. I want a family more than anything but the Lord has taught me that the timing has to be right and it has to be to the right man.
There is so much I am struggling with right now. Right now I am praying my financial aid comes in on time so I can pay the grants back from Spring that I owe since I had to do a compassionate withdraw from my classes after my grandma died. Patience is not my strong suite. I also love stability and security but I realize that sometimes the Lord calls me out of that place of security. He calls me into a place of faith and trust. He teaches me to wait on Him and trust His plan to unfold.
The other talk right now that is on my mind was given in October 1999 conference by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. It is entitled, "A High Priest of Good Things to Come". Here is the link to that talk and again I highly recommend it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng . This talk was given the general conference after my mom died very suddenly. It hit me with such great force as I was struggling and I have often relied on it during other times in my life.
I am so grateful that through Jesus Christ those blessings DO come. They come on His time table. They come in His way.
As I am confronting some pretty serious issues in my life I am learning again to have hope. I have pretty much my whole life but I lost sight of that the last few years of my life. My childhood was filled with some pretty heavy junk. But I know I can drop my burdens at His feet and I am learning to. Oh what a process that is for us in mortality.
I find myself asking all of the time, "What do I have control over in this situation?" If the answer is nothing or I have done all I can do then I have to wait on the Lord. I have to trust that He sees the road ahead of me. That He has navigated mortality while I am still in my infancy learning how to be like Him.
So for those of you struggling with anything, waiting on the Lord is the only way to lasting peace. Just for today I choose joy by waiting on the Lord. I choose to trust in HIS ways and HIS plans even when I don't understand the whys. In mortality we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. It has been painful to still be single. It has been painful to see my friends want righteous things so badly yet have those blessings delayed. I have seen friends struggle with infertility and wonder why. I have seen friends struggle with ongoing health issues without any resolution. I have seen friends struggle with the lingering affects of other people's agency. I have faith that when we wait on the Lord He never disappoints. He has our best interest at heart and knows who He is preparing us to become and that is like Him. How can we be pure and holy without going through the Refiner's fire?
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Who am I?
I have been thinking a lot about my identity. I know the basic thing like I am a daughter of God. But EVERYONE is a child of God. Who else am I?
It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.
It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.
This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.
So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.
I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.
The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.
This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.
To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.
So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.
We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!
As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.
So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!
It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.
It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.
This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.
So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.
I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.
The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.
This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.
To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.
So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.
We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!
As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.
So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!
Monday, August 12, 2013
I am learning
This season in my life feels like rapid fire learning. Sometimes it is overwhelming as I try to keep up with all of it. I have panic attacks quite frequently right now as I am trying to heal from my past. It can be really frustrating at times. But I have faith that these trials will build strengths in me that I can't see at the present time. That is what I am trying to focus on.
Yesterday in church we talked about service. The women giving the lesson talked about how when we allow others to serve us we allow them to act as Christ would if He were in that situation. It is SO hard for me to allow others to help and serve me. I was brought up in a world where you just didn't ask for anything. Maybe it was because for so long my needs were not met. After awhile you stop asking. I realized that most of the time I don't even know what I need. This is such a challenge for me. I can't expect others to help if I can't identify my own needs.
There are so many scriptures that basically say ask and ye shall receive. I know our Heavenly Father is eager to bless us when we ask. Sometimes the asking part can be pretty difficult. I LOVE serving others. I have done it my whole life. Truly it brings me deep abiding joy. Yet it is so hard to let others serve me. I don't want to deprive them of that joy, I just feel like I should be able to do everything on my own.
I am grateful for all I am learning right now. Just for today I choose joy by learning to accept help. Knowing that I am worthy although far from perfect. I can rest in His love.
Yesterday in church we talked about service. The women giving the lesson talked about how when we allow others to serve us we allow them to act as Christ would if He were in that situation. It is SO hard for me to allow others to help and serve me. I was brought up in a world where you just didn't ask for anything. Maybe it was because for so long my needs were not met. After awhile you stop asking. I realized that most of the time I don't even know what I need. This is such a challenge for me. I can't expect others to help if I can't identify my own needs.
There are so many scriptures that basically say ask and ye shall receive. I know our Heavenly Father is eager to bless us when we ask. Sometimes the asking part can be pretty difficult. I LOVE serving others. I have done it my whole life. Truly it brings me deep abiding joy. Yet it is so hard to let others serve me. I don't want to deprive them of that joy, I just feel like I should be able to do everything on my own.
I am grateful for all I am learning right now. Just for today I choose joy by learning to accept help. Knowing that I am worthy although far from perfect. I can rest in His love.
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