So Much In My Heart And On My Mind

On January 31, 2013 my sweet grandmother graduated with honors from mortality. She passed away at a hospice. I knew it was coming. We both did but I never told her the doctors gave her 1 to 3 months to live in December. I just couldn't. But some how she knew I think. But let me back up a little bit.

December 21,2012 I got a call that my sweet grandma had fallen and broken her shoulder.  Since she already had surgery on her gallbladder in September and got pneumonia the doctor felt it would be best not to operate on her. I am so grateful for my grandma's inspired nurse who took her off her coumadin. Coumadin is a blood thinner and the doctor said she would have bled out had she been on it.


Dr Fields (her osteo doc) gave me the worse news of my life. I have so say that he is one of the kindest men I have ever talked to. He told me that because of my grandma's age her body wasn't holding on to protein. He gave her 1 to 3 months at the most to live. She was in a rehab place that she hated. 

I called hospice and they got her out of there RIGHT away. She was able to be home for Christmas. Grandma was left handed and I know she was in pain but I know that she didn't want me to see her in pain. So she was all dressed up and we had Christmas lunch in the dining room at her assisted living place. This would be the last time we ever had dinner again. I cherished that time. For Christmas I got her soft fuzzy socks, chocolate and nuts. I wanted to get her more but there just wasn't enough money and it was costing $10 each time I went to visit her in gas. So I visited her at least twice a week and the hospice nurse went about the same amount of time. On Christmas she could talk in a normal voice and was doing quite well. Her pain was under control.

Then she gradually deteriorated. This was the hardest part for me. You think losing someone to death is the hardest but really it's not. It is seeing them hurt and suffer and knowing you can do nothing. She had started to aspirate, couldn't hold down water and was miserable.

 The Saturday before her death was POWERFUL. I went to visit her and got her all of the things the hospice nurse told me to get her. We had a nice long talk although it was not above a whisper. Then she suddenly told me what I thought was "Your mom is standing next to my bed." I smiled and said, "Grandma, mom is standing by your bed?" She said, "No! JESUS and your mom are standing by my bed.." She had such a serene look on her face. You could tell she knew what she saw. She was on NO medication. None. She knew what she saw and I felt that peace. I called in patient hospice and they came out and evaluated her and said she refused to go.

I had a baptism I needed to get to. I was in the hospital a year previously and one of my caregivers came into my room and asked why she felt something different in my room. I was a little taken back. Here was I was hospitalized with colitis feeling pretty icky and yet she said she felt something different in my room. I bore my testimony of Jesus Christ and my testimony of how being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints changed my life. She went down to the gift shop and came up with a sweet little angel figurine and a sweet letter. And thus my friendship with Casey begun.

We would talk on and off for months and then once I moved into Kelli's house in Gilbert she asked if she could go to church with me. Of course I was excited and she started coming. She also started taking the missionary lessons too. 

Change is hard. Especially as we get older. She had set a couple of dates and backed out. I wanted to assure her that no matter what I would ALWAYS be her friend member or not. And that goes for ALL of my friends. My friendships are not based on religion, race, sexual orientation, or anything else. They are based on kindness, love, light, goodness, shared experiences and sometimes simply just fun. Most of my friendships just develop organically. I don't really need to think about them. 

When I moved to Queen Creek I still talked to Casey and talked to her. In fact one time I was at  a Wal Mart literally 45 minutes away from and a good 20 minutes away from her and we happened to run into each other. It was definitely not an accident. There are no accidents when it comes to God. I know he timed everything perfectly for me to be going out the same door at the same time on the same date that Casey was walking in. That isn't an accident. That is our Father's way of showing His tender mercies to His children. To remind us that He is there. Even in our darkest times. He is ALWAYS there.

I wrote the following on my facebook the day of my friend Casey's baptism:
I am so grateful for answers to prayers. Today I went and saw my grandma and then I went to my friend's baptism. As I was driving I was listening to Christian music. The thought came into my head that the Savior makes all things work together for our good. Then came the prompting "Debbie what about ALL things do you not understand?" Basically I felt like He was telling me that even in the valleys we go through there is a purpose. Even when we make mistakes and lose our way He can still make ALL things, EVERYTHING, without exception come together for our good.

So as things with grandma decline, I hope I can hold on to these promises. I sang the song "How Great Thou Art" at this baptism tonight. I lost it at the part "When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim my God how great thou art.

So even in the messes we make out of our own lives. Even in the brokeness. Even during the times of sadness. Whatever trials we go through He WILL make all things work together for our good. If we trust Him. And love Him. And even when we don't He is still our perfect Father and loves us perfectly.

My grandma and I had a great talk today. I told her I didn't like seeing her suffer. That it was okay to go to the other side. She said that every day she prays "Thy will be done." I am blessed to have a grandma of faith. I am blessed to have a grandma who prays for me. Then she said she saw my mom and the Savior by her bed. I don't know how long she has. None of us do. I want to be like her each day and say Thy will be done. I am grateful to know this is not the end. That this life is just the beginning of something greater to come.  I take great comfort in knowing that there is a Savior of the world. That knows me. He knows her. And He only wants what is for our good in the end. Indeed "How Great Thou Art".

So as I have alternated between every emotion known to mankind I am grateful for the steadiness of our Savior. I am grateful that in this ever changing world He does not and will not change. I am grateful for His capacity to feel my pain and understand what I need the most when I need it the most. 

I have also had the blessing was sweet friends who have been there for me. Sometimes it is just a text or a phone call or something equally as simple. Other times it is a meal brought to me or my relief society president who cleared out and stored my grandma's things when I was too ill to do it myself. This is such an example of the Savior's love for me. I hope I can love as He loves. I hope I can make my sweet grandma proud of the woman I am becoming. And I hope in the end my Savior can say the words that I am sure He said to my grandma "Well done thou good and faithful servant." At the end when I told my grandma it was okay for her to go if the timing was right she said each day she prayed "not my will but thine". I am glad they were able to keep her comfortable at hospice by giving her morphine and ativan. It was heart breaking to see her go through the stages of death and to want so desperately to stop them. But I had the distinct feeling that my dear Savior, my mom, her mom, all of her siblings and many others were so very excited to be reunited with her again. That like a child runs into the arms of  a loved one  so quickly and so swiftly that my grandma was like that. And they were quick to embrace her. 

So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because the atonement makes it possible for me to be with my Savior again. I choose joy for the atonement makes it possible to be with my loved ones again. I choose joy that all will have a chance to accept or reject the atonement. And I choose joy simply because it is a much better way to live!