I won't forget when I first heard that. Probably because it was about 2 weeks ago. I was with my grandma at Serenity in patient hospice. I was talking to the grief counselor. I had 2 counselors previously point out that I had dealt with a lot of losses in my life. I know it may sound odd but it's just not something I dwell on. Maybe it is because the atonement has come in and filled those cracks of losses in with His healing and Light. But I know there is so much more healing and light that needs to occur.
So really what are my losses? Some of them are obvious. The loss of my grandma's life being the most recent. I am grateful though that I haven't loss her spirit. If given the choice between losing her physically or spiritually I would choose physically in a heartbeat. So yes I loss my grandma on January 31st. I also loss my mom on June 27, 1999 but really I lost her far before then (sorry mom). There have been too many "family secrets" in my family. I refuse to cover up anything. Yes my mom's body died in 99 but her mind died far before them due to a disease called alcoholism.
I want to make it clear she really did try her best. She really did love me. It took me years to acknowledge that She did her best and my needs were not met. I thought it had to be one way or the other. Because of her alcoholism she was told when I was 5 that her brain cells were dying because she was drinking wine. So, instead, she started drinking hard liquor. Somehow she did manage to hold down a full time job though. That I will never understand. It is a good thing I grew up with health insurance. When I was 3 I almost died of a tropical parasite (they had even quarantined my whole family). Finally they discovered what it was at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was lucky to not have brain damage because of the high fevers I had. My mom eventually developed multiple personality disorder too. Once those were finally integrated she was bi polar. She didn't know how to discipline so sometimes she was physically and verbally abusive. She also had all kinds of hallucinations and would think that satan was trying to attack us and one time destroyed our beds because she was convinced something was in there. It was that day we got waterbeds. I did the grocery shopping at a very early age, I took care of myself and took care of my mom, in one word I was codependent. So I experienced the loss of a healthy childhood. I also experienced the loss of ever having an emotionally healthy mom and of course her physical death.
With my father we don't know if he is dead or alive. I last saw him when I was 13. I have probably only seen him a dozen or so times in my life. I lasted talked to him in 2006 and I was the last one to talk to him. He was in Las Vegas. We STILL don't know if he is alive or dead. He, too, was an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. It's a pretty darn good thing that I do not drink. I don't even touch it. the closest I come is to eating fondue. I just want some closure. My paternal grandma died in 2008 and we don't know if he even knows that or if he even died before her.
Without going into details I lost my innocence which was not my choice. I have also loss and been betrayed by friends that were like family to me. There is one family in particular. I am not going to use their name although anyone who really knows me would know who they are. I will call them the First family.
I met one of their daughters first and we became instant friends. Then I met the rest of the family. We all became friends. I was a convert to the LDS church at 16 and they were converts too. I spent holidays with them. I spent Family Home Evenings with them. I went on family vacations with them. As we all got older and they got married and had children I was the role I treasure the most in mortality "Aunt Debbie". I LOVE being an aunt and I still am to other children and I will ALWAYS be an aunt to these children too. If they EVER need or want me I will ALWAYS be there for them. I love them and pray for them.
I rushed to the hospital to meet each of them and hold their precious tiny bodies, I rocked and sang them to sleep, I babysat them, when they were sick I held them even if that meant them throwing up in my hair once, we played at Chuck E Cheese together, went to parks and just did so many fun things. I felt like I had a place in this world and that I had an outlet for my very nurturing spirit. Still to this day I don't know WHY they decided to cut me off. One of them hasn't. One is still my dear sister and always will be. I know I am far from perfect but there has never ever been a child I have ever been unkind to or even raised my voice to. I protect children just naturally. And them ending our friendship which was like family to me was SUCH a loss to me that it was more like a divorce. I am grateful that one has stood by my side yet it hurts that the others have turned their backs on me. I especially miss those sweet children who would fight for my lap to sit on. Children can sense unconditional love and they knew that I loved them. And I still do love them. So that was a huge loss.
I also have 2 broken engagements. It's hard when you think things are going to work out only for them not to. More than anything in the world I want MY family. I want it so badly I chose to major in Family and Human Development and I hope and pray one day I do get my family. My future husband will be cherished and appreciated and loved more than anything. I will honor the goodness in him.I will appreciate all of the good in him. I already have such a deep desire to serve and show him love every day. And of course I will be very affectionate with him. I chose to hope that one day I will find him or better yet he will find me. Or maybe my grandma now will nudge him my way. I want children more than anything too. It doesn't matter to me if they come from body all will come from my heart. Whether it's adopted children, biological children or step children. I will love them all the same. I choose to focus on that joy that I will have.
Yes I have experienced a lot of losses. Some have affected me in deeper ways than others. They have all brought pain. But they have also all increased the size of heart. They have all reminded that I still got to choose whether to let them make me bitter or better. I choose better. I choose gratitude. I choose to let these experiences to lead me to the Light rather than bring darkness in my life.
So this loss is big. And I am not going to lie when I say that it did freak me out a bit when the counselor said that losses are cumulative in their effect. But I know something that they don't know. I know the power of the atonement to make all things new. To make things even better than they were before. To not just repair but to restore completely. To take these broken, fragmented pieces of my heart and life and give me peace.
One of my all time favorite quotes talks about losses in our lives. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ Joseph B Wirthlin
So I choose to trust that my loving and kind Heavenly Father and Savior keep their promises. I trust that healing is also cumulative in nature. I trust that even the deepest pain can be healed through applying the atonement in our lives. I am grateful I have not just that belief. Beliefs are great but they don't carry you through the hardest and darkest nights. I am grateful to have this knowledge that He CAN heal me and He WILL heal me because He has promised to. And because He finds great JOY in my healing and in my JOY. Just as any parent feels happy inside when their child is happy so it is with our Heavenly Parents. They want our happiness and want to see all of our dreams come true. And along that path we may just find some surprises too.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned. The center of my heart besides my Savior is family. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. But I can still find joy and happiness even though that hasn't come to pass yet. I believe it will one day. So far he has taken me to many places, probably the oddest being the UN. He has brought people into my life that have amazed me. It seems like I meet people and feel instantly connected to them. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some of the choicest people in my life. I have learned so much from each of them. So for all of my losses I have had so many gains. And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. That there are many more blessings on their way. So just for today I choose faith.
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