I Don't Like Suprises

Since I learned a few months ago that my grandma would die soon I had a certain sense of panic set in every night. I would have a hard time going to sleep, have nightmares (and have to take medication to stop them) and have even more than my average amount of insomnia. I would wonder if this could be the day that she would die. As the time got increasingly closer so did those feelings.

For those who don't know me, I don't like surprises. (Sorry for those who have ever thrown surprise parties for me) Someone once described it to me like being on a roller coaster. Since I am recovering from a lot of trauma there is always that adrenaline that kicks is wondering what is around the next corner. Some people love that feeling. I loathe it. The only real reason I can figure out is the difference is you get to choose if you want to get on a roller coaster or sky dive or do other activities. When you are a "thriver" of abuse and other issues you don't get to choose. You just get surprised. Each time you get surprised your cortisol level shoots up. No wonder I burned my adrenal glands out. I will be working really hard this year to repair them and be more gentle with my body.

Now I realize I don't need to fear that I will wake up and my grandma will be taken from me. She has already been physically taken. In fact tomorrow probably I will go pick up her remains (not something I am looking forward to). I have a memorial service to plan and then I get to lay her to rest next to my mom. My cousin, Nate and I decided to have on her head stone We'll Love You Forever. Because we have forever. Forever is beautiful.

So no matter what life surprises me with now I can be content knowing grandma is in good hands. I no longer need to worry that she may fall again and they may not get to her. Or that she may choke. Or that she will be so thirsty and dehydrated yet aspirate on water. I am so grateful there are no more surprises like that.

The surprises I have to look forward to are seeing her embracing my Savior. Seeing her laughing with my mom, her mom and all of her siblings. What a celebration of love there is occurring right now. And as there are times when my heart feels like it is going to break. Or my body is being pushed to it's very limit I will rest in the perfect and eternal love of my Savior. There are no bad surprises only glorious ones.

I am sure my grandma will touch down when she sees fit. I feel like I dreamt of grandma and mom last night but I am not quite sure. I keep telling them to prod my husband my way. We shall see. :) Trust me if anyone has the power to do it, it would be my grandma. She asked every man we ever met if they were single or not (a little embarrassing but I laugh now). I hope I have some sweet children on the other side that she is interacting with. I just feel she is embraced in love. She is whole again. I no longer have to worry every night about her safety. Or worry if this will be the night. Or worry how things will play out.

I have seen miracles happen. Doors are opening. I can feel at peace. I am not thrilled losing this semester but the more I pray about it the more I feel at peace about it. I feel like I have to strengthen my body especially. I know I need another surgery to eliminate (prayerfully) endometriosis. I know I need to eat healthier. I should get a complete refund for compassionate withdraw from both semesters although last semester I did get an A in one class that I need and I hope I can keep it. I can also keep updated daily on learning math so I can be at the level I need to be at. And last but not least I can do some volunteer project I am beyond thrilled about that will use my talents again. Hopefully I can finish my book too and bless the lives of others. Good surprises lay ahead although I still would rather know ahead of time.