I was a little nervous about my first holiday without my grandma. Considering her last name is Valentine, Valentine's Day was a pretty big deal in our lives. It's been 2 weeks and a day since you left mortality. I am still waiting to turn that corner when the acute pain stops.
Whenever I am upset emotionally it seems like my body is hit hard too. I have had a hard time sleeping these past few days. I finally figured out last night that it is because I have the cold grandma had before she died. During the day I cough a little but it doesn't bother me. At night time though my lungs sound crackly and my stomach gets really sick. But there is a line in a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story that says "If a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near." I have had a thousand sleepless nights in my life but they have drawn me closer to my Father.
What am I learning right now and what will I continue to learn in this process? Some of it still has yet to unfold but so far these are things I feel that I will learn or relearn on a deeper level.
1. That my worth as a daughter of God is good enough. That His love for me and my worth isn't based on my actions. That I am a human BEING not a human doing. That I please the Lord when I am obedient to His commandments because He wants and longs for my happiness. That He knows keeping the commandments will protect me and bring me greater joy. But my worth isn't based on my actions.
2. That it is so important to live close to the Lord. We never know what trials will hit us or when they will. We must be in tune and ready at all times. By doing so we also are able to be a tool in the Lord's hands and have Him lead us to others to bless.
3. This one is maybe the hardest for me but it is okay to ask for help. I love service. I love giving. It is hard to be at a place in my life where I need service but it is humbling. It reminds me that if these people love me so much to serve that the Lord must love me infinitely more.
4. Deep gratitude for the atonement. Oh I have always been grateful for the atonement. Always. But to know He felt this pain so He could lift me up and strengthen me brings me indescribable joy. If it weren't for the atonement I could never see my grandma again and she wouldn't have been able to see the Savior and my mom.
5. That so much growth occurs on the other side. That just as we progress here we progress on the other side. That love is never wasted or lost. That we continue to grow and learn. And our family really is eternal.
6. I never knew I could simultaneously feel deep sorrow and deep joy. I feel deep sorry because I miss my sweet grandma. I love her deeper than I have ever loved anyone except the Savior. But I also feel joy. I feel joy for her because she is with her loved ones who had already passed. I felt so strongly one day as I was driving back to the hospice how much my mom was anticipating HER reunion with her mother. I hadn't thought about it until I had that feeling. And my sweet great grandma that I never knew but am told I am so much alike and her favorite sister Aunt Dorothy and so many others. She is especially excited to be reunited with the Savior. I wish she could come down and tell me now what she sees. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer lonely and not restricted by her aging body. So this is so bittersweet.
7. That my role as granddaughter is eternal. It was a hard realization when my mom died that I was all of a sudden an orphan of sorts since we don't know about my dad. But I still had my grandma. I still had that treasured role of granddaughter. It was heartbreaking to feel that I had lost the role of granddaughter especially since my paternal grandmother died in 2008. But I feel that now that my role as a daughter of God will never change. I will always be a daughter of God. That tangible role won't ever change. But I will be a daughter and granddaughter and hopefully by the grace of God one day a wife and mom. NOTHING would mean more to me than that. But for now I am content with what I have.
8. I have learned gratitude in the midst of the storm. For all of the pain this even has brought there have also been deep deep moments of sincere gratitude. I am getting back to keeping my gratitude journal. It's those every day small things that help lift me up. Maybe it is a song on a radio. A card just telling me someone cares. Anything small makes such a huge difference.
I am sure I will learn many more lessons. Lessons that I won't soon forget because they come at a high cost. But I don't walk alone. I walk with God. I walk with angels. I walk with a small handful of family&friends who have offered to walk with me so I am not alone. Even though I would do just about anything for this pain to end I am grateful for these blessings. I am also grateful right now for the LDS church's health code called the word of wisdom. I would be an alcoholic if I didn't live by this health code. Especially right now when the pain is so overwhelming. I would get drunk all of the time. Or do drugs or smoke or so who knows what else. But I am not. Although I do need to cut back on the unhealthy eating. This is really serious to me. The 18th is the LAST day of eating unhealthy. I can make these changes. And I am going to go on nightly walks. I am blessed to live in a safe area. where I can walk at night. I am determined to use this experience to find more peace. More wholeness. More love. Just for today I choose joy in this journey!
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