I finally, finally got up enough courage to go pick up my grandma's remains. This had been weighing on my mind but a part of me could deny that she wasn't really gone if I didn't have her ashes. I felt like it was time for a little bit of closure.
I am having a hard time dealing with such deep emotions. I feel like losing my grandma has given me strength to finally break free from anyone's expectations. I don't know where this path with lead me. But I know I am walking in light. I am so blessed to have friends who are genuinely good people. Some who have been in my life over 20 years, actually the majority have been in my life at least 14 years or so. And others I am just meeting right now.
I couldn't sleep again last night so I read several blogs. I have such a yearning right now for change. Yet change is scary all at the same time. I read something tonight about being hungry emotionally for the best things and that is how I feel right now.
I am truly grateful for all of the blessings I have. I say that a lot but what does that really mean for me?
1. I am grateful most of all for my Savior, Jesus Christ. For His perfect love and all encompassing grace.
2. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who knows me. He made me. He made me in His image which is perfect. Therefore I AM good enough. Even when my soul tries to say I am not good enough. I am good simply because I am HIS.
3. I am grateful that I can learn to rely on this grace more. That I can literally lean into Him and He will strengthen me. I have seen this time and time again in my life. How grateful I am for His grace.
4. I am grateful for the grace of others. That love me in my not so stellar moments. Like my cousin who is more like a brother to me and his sweet wife who is like my sister. That they can extend grace to me at a time when I was not gracious or kind. That they can look past the moment and see an eternal perspective. All of my friends have at one point or another shown me grace.
5. I am grateful for the chance I have to learn to show more grace. Especially with my own family. Isn't that sometimes where it is the hardest? That I can see that these bonds are eternal and look at others with more grace. That I can choose light over darkness that was chosen in the past. That I can help others heal and in freeing them free myself. That more light can come in as the darkness disappears. Really all we can do is help the next generation be better than the previous ones. By doing so we can send healing forward and backwards.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Post Valentine's Day
I was a little nervous about my first holiday without my grandma. Considering her last name is Valentine, Valentine's Day was a pretty big deal in our lives. It's been 2 weeks and a day since you left mortality. I am still waiting to turn that corner when the acute pain stops.
Whenever I am upset emotionally it seems like my body is hit hard too. I have had a hard time sleeping these past few days. I finally figured out last night that it is because I have the cold grandma had before she died. During the day I cough a little but it doesn't bother me. At night time though my lungs sound crackly and my stomach gets really sick. But there is a line in a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story that says "If a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near." I have had a thousand sleepless nights in my life but they have drawn me closer to my Father.
What am I learning right now and what will I continue to learn in this process? Some of it still has yet to unfold but so far these are things I feel that I will learn or relearn on a deeper level.
1. That my worth as a daughter of God is good enough. That His love for me and my worth isn't based on my actions. That I am a human BEING not a human doing. That I please the Lord when I am obedient to His commandments because He wants and longs for my happiness. That He knows keeping the commandments will protect me and bring me greater joy. But my worth isn't based on my actions.
2. That it is so important to live close to the Lord. We never know what trials will hit us or when they will. We must be in tune and ready at all times. By doing so we also are able to be a tool in the Lord's hands and have Him lead us to others to bless.
3. This one is maybe the hardest for me but it is okay to ask for help. I love service. I love giving. It is hard to be at a place in my life where I need service but it is humbling. It reminds me that if these people love me so much to serve that the Lord must love me infinitely more.
4. Deep gratitude for the atonement. Oh I have always been grateful for the atonement. Always. But to know He felt this pain so He could lift me up and strengthen me brings me indescribable joy. If it weren't for the atonement I could never see my grandma again and she wouldn't have been able to see the Savior and my mom.
5. That so much growth occurs on the other side. That just as we progress here we progress on the other side. That love is never wasted or lost. That we continue to grow and learn. And our family really is eternal.
6. I never knew I could simultaneously feel deep sorrow and deep joy. I feel deep sorry because I miss my sweet grandma. I love her deeper than I have ever loved anyone except the Savior. But I also feel joy. I feel joy for her because she is with her loved ones who had already passed. I felt so strongly one day as I was driving back to the hospice how much my mom was anticipating HER reunion with her mother. I hadn't thought about it until I had that feeling. And my sweet great grandma that I never knew but am told I am so much alike and her favorite sister Aunt Dorothy and so many others. She is especially excited to be reunited with the Savior. I wish she could come down and tell me now what she sees. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer lonely and not restricted by her aging body. So this is so bittersweet.
7. That my role as granddaughter is eternal. It was a hard realization when my mom died that I was all of a sudden an orphan of sorts since we don't know about my dad. But I still had my grandma. I still had that treasured role of granddaughter. It was heartbreaking to feel that I had lost the role of granddaughter especially since my paternal grandmother died in 2008. But I feel that now that my role as a daughter of God will never change. I will always be a daughter of God. That tangible role won't ever change. But I will be a daughter and granddaughter and hopefully by the grace of God one day a wife and mom. NOTHING would mean more to me than that. But for now I am content with what I have.
8. I have learned gratitude in the midst of the storm. For all of the pain this even has brought there have also been deep deep moments of sincere gratitude. I am getting back to keeping my gratitude journal. It's those every day small things that help lift me up. Maybe it is a song on a radio. A card just telling me someone cares. Anything small makes such a huge difference.
I am sure I will learn many more lessons. Lessons that I won't soon forget because they come at a high cost. But I don't walk alone. I walk with God. I walk with angels. I walk with a small handful of family&friends who have offered to walk with me so I am not alone. Even though I would do just about anything for this pain to end I am grateful for these blessings. I am also grateful right now for the LDS church's health code called the word of wisdom. I would be an alcoholic if I didn't live by this health code. Especially right now when the pain is so overwhelming. I would get drunk all of the time. Or do drugs or smoke or so who knows what else. But I am not. Although I do need to cut back on the unhealthy eating. This is really serious to me. The 18th is the LAST day of eating unhealthy. I can make these changes. And I am going to go on nightly walks. I am blessed to live in a safe area. where I can walk at night. I am determined to use this experience to find more peace. More wholeness. More love. Just for today I choose joy in this journey!
Whenever I am upset emotionally it seems like my body is hit hard too. I have had a hard time sleeping these past few days. I finally figured out last night that it is because I have the cold grandma had before she died. During the day I cough a little but it doesn't bother me. At night time though my lungs sound crackly and my stomach gets really sick. But there is a line in a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story that says "If a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near." I have had a thousand sleepless nights in my life but they have drawn me closer to my Father.
What am I learning right now and what will I continue to learn in this process? Some of it still has yet to unfold but so far these are things I feel that I will learn or relearn on a deeper level.
1. That my worth as a daughter of God is good enough. That His love for me and my worth isn't based on my actions. That I am a human BEING not a human doing. That I please the Lord when I am obedient to His commandments because He wants and longs for my happiness. That He knows keeping the commandments will protect me and bring me greater joy. But my worth isn't based on my actions.
2. That it is so important to live close to the Lord. We never know what trials will hit us or when they will. We must be in tune and ready at all times. By doing so we also are able to be a tool in the Lord's hands and have Him lead us to others to bless.
3. This one is maybe the hardest for me but it is okay to ask for help. I love service. I love giving. It is hard to be at a place in my life where I need service but it is humbling. It reminds me that if these people love me so much to serve that the Lord must love me infinitely more.
4. Deep gratitude for the atonement. Oh I have always been grateful for the atonement. Always. But to know He felt this pain so He could lift me up and strengthen me brings me indescribable joy. If it weren't for the atonement I could never see my grandma again and she wouldn't have been able to see the Savior and my mom.
5. That so much growth occurs on the other side. That just as we progress here we progress on the other side. That love is never wasted or lost. That we continue to grow and learn. And our family really is eternal.
6. I never knew I could simultaneously feel deep sorrow and deep joy. I feel deep sorry because I miss my sweet grandma. I love her deeper than I have ever loved anyone except the Savior. But I also feel joy. I feel joy for her because she is with her loved ones who had already passed. I felt so strongly one day as I was driving back to the hospice how much my mom was anticipating HER reunion with her mother. I hadn't thought about it until I had that feeling. And my sweet great grandma that I never knew but am told I am so much alike and her favorite sister Aunt Dorothy and so many others. She is especially excited to be reunited with the Savior. I wish she could come down and tell me now what she sees. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer lonely and not restricted by her aging body. So this is so bittersweet.
7. That my role as granddaughter is eternal. It was a hard realization when my mom died that I was all of a sudden an orphan of sorts since we don't know about my dad. But I still had my grandma. I still had that treasured role of granddaughter. It was heartbreaking to feel that I had lost the role of granddaughter especially since my paternal grandmother died in 2008. But I feel that now that my role as a daughter of God will never change. I will always be a daughter of God. That tangible role won't ever change. But I will be a daughter and granddaughter and hopefully by the grace of God one day a wife and mom. NOTHING would mean more to me than that. But for now I am content with what I have.
8. I have learned gratitude in the midst of the storm. For all of the pain this even has brought there have also been deep deep moments of sincere gratitude. I am getting back to keeping my gratitude journal. It's those every day small things that help lift me up. Maybe it is a song on a radio. A card just telling me someone cares. Anything small makes such a huge difference.
I am sure I will learn many more lessons. Lessons that I won't soon forget because they come at a high cost. But I don't walk alone. I walk with God. I walk with angels. I walk with a small handful of family&friends who have offered to walk with me so I am not alone. Even though I would do just about anything for this pain to end I am grateful for these blessings. I am also grateful right now for the LDS church's health code called the word of wisdom. I would be an alcoholic if I didn't live by this health code. Especially right now when the pain is so overwhelming. I would get drunk all of the time. Or do drugs or smoke or so who knows what else. But I am not. Although I do need to cut back on the unhealthy eating. This is really serious to me. The 18th is the LAST day of eating unhealthy. I can make these changes. And I am going to go on nightly walks. I am blessed to live in a safe area. where I can walk at night. I am determined to use this experience to find more peace. More wholeness. More love. Just for today I choose joy in this journey!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Losses Are Cumulative In Nature
I won't forget when I first heard that. Probably because it was about 2 weeks ago. I was with my grandma at Serenity in patient hospice. I was talking to the grief counselor. I had 2 counselors previously point out that I had dealt with a lot of losses in my life. I know it may sound odd but it's just not something I dwell on. Maybe it is because the atonement has come in and filled those cracks of losses in with His healing and Light. But I know there is so much more healing and light that needs to occur.
So really what are my losses? Some of them are obvious. The loss of my grandma's life being the most recent. I am grateful though that I haven't loss her spirit. If given the choice between losing her physically or spiritually I would choose physically in a heartbeat. So yes I loss my grandma on January 31st. I also loss my mom on June 27, 1999 but really I lost her far before then (sorry mom). There have been too many "family secrets" in my family. I refuse to cover up anything. Yes my mom's body died in 99 but her mind died far before them due to a disease called alcoholism.
I want to make it clear she really did try her best. She really did love me. It took me years to acknowledge that She did her best and my needs were not met. I thought it had to be one way or the other. Because of her alcoholism she was told when I was 5 that her brain cells were dying because she was drinking wine. So, instead, she started drinking hard liquor. Somehow she did manage to hold down a full time job though. That I will never understand. It is a good thing I grew up with health insurance. When I was 3 I almost died of a tropical parasite (they had even quarantined my whole family). Finally they discovered what it was at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was lucky to not have brain damage because of the high fevers I had. My mom eventually developed multiple personality disorder too. Once those were finally integrated she was bi polar. She didn't know how to discipline so sometimes she was physically and verbally abusive. She also had all kinds of hallucinations and would think that satan was trying to attack us and one time destroyed our beds because she was convinced something was in there. It was that day we got waterbeds. I did the grocery shopping at a very early age, I took care of myself and took care of my mom, in one word I was codependent. So I experienced the loss of a healthy childhood. I also experienced the loss of ever having an emotionally healthy mom and of course her physical death.
With my father we don't know if he is dead or alive. I last saw him when I was 13. I have probably only seen him a dozen or so times in my life. I lasted talked to him in 2006 and I was the last one to talk to him. He was in Las Vegas. We STILL don't know if he is alive or dead. He, too, was an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. It's a pretty darn good thing that I do not drink. I don't even touch it. the closest I come is to eating fondue. I just want some closure. My paternal grandma died in 2008 and we don't know if he even knows that or if he even died before her.
Without going into details I lost my innocence which was not my choice. I have also loss and been betrayed by friends that were like family to me. There is one family in particular. I am not going to use their name although anyone who really knows me would know who they are. I will call them the First family.
I met one of their daughters first and we became instant friends. Then I met the rest of the family. We all became friends. I was a convert to the LDS church at 16 and they were converts too. I spent holidays with them. I spent Family Home Evenings with them. I went on family vacations with them. As we all got older and they got married and had children I was the role I treasure the most in mortality "Aunt Debbie". I LOVE being an aunt and I still am to other children and I will ALWAYS be an aunt to these children too. If they EVER need or want me I will ALWAYS be there for them. I love them and pray for them.
I rushed to the hospital to meet each of them and hold their precious tiny bodies, I rocked and sang them to sleep, I babysat them, when they were sick I held them even if that meant them throwing up in my hair once, we played at Chuck E Cheese together, went to parks and just did so many fun things. I felt like I had a place in this world and that I had an outlet for my very nurturing spirit. Still to this day I don't know WHY they decided to cut me off. One of them hasn't. One is still my dear sister and always will be. I know I am far from perfect but there has never ever been a child I have ever been unkind to or even raised my voice to. I protect children just naturally. And them ending our friendship which was like family to me was SUCH a loss to me that it was more like a divorce. I am grateful that one has stood by my side yet it hurts that the others have turned their backs on me. I especially miss those sweet children who would fight for my lap to sit on. Children can sense unconditional love and they knew that I loved them. And I still do love them. So that was a huge loss.
I also have 2 broken engagements. It's hard when you think things are going to work out only for them not to. More than anything in the world I want MY family. I want it so badly I chose to major in Family and Human Development and I hope and pray one day I do get my family. My future husband will be cherished and appreciated and loved more than anything. I will honor the goodness in him.I will appreciate all of the good in him. I already have such a deep desire to serve and show him love every day. And of course I will be very affectionate with him. I chose to hope that one day I will find him or better yet he will find me. Or maybe my grandma now will nudge him my way. I want children more than anything too. It doesn't matter to me if they come from body all will come from my heart. Whether it's adopted children, biological children or step children. I will love them all the same. I choose to focus on that joy that I will have.
Yes I have experienced a lot of losses. Some have affected me in deeper ways than others. They have all brought pain. But they have also all increased the size of heart. They have all reminded that I still got to choose whether to let them make me bitter or better. I choose better. I choose gratitude. I choose to let these experiences to lead me to the Light rather than bring darkness in my life.
So this loss is big. And I am not going to lie when I say that it did freak me out a bit when the counselor said that losses are cumulative in their effect. But I know something that they don't know. I know the power of the atonement to make all things new. To make things even better than they were before. To not just repair but to restore completely. To take these broken, fragmented pieces of my heart and life and give me peace.
One of my all time favorite quotes talks about losses in our lives. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ Joseph B Wirthlin
So I choose to trust that my loving and kind Heavenly Father and Savior keep their promises. I trust that healing is also cumulative in nature. I trust that even the deepest pain can be healed through applying the atonement in our lives. I am grateful I have not just that belief. Beliefs are great but they don't carry you through the hardest and darkest nights. I am grateful to have this knowledge that He CAN heal me and He WILL heal me because He has promised to. And because He finds great JOY in my healing and in my JOY. Just as any parent feels happy inside when their child is happy so it is with our Heavenly Parents. They want our happiness and want to see all of our dreams come true. And along that path we may just find some surprises too.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned. The center of my heart besides my Savior is family. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. But I can still find joy and happiness even though that hasn't come to pass yet. I believe it will one day. So far he has taken me to many places, probably the oddest being the UN. He has brought people into my life that have amazed me. It seems like I meet people and feel instantly connected to them. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some of the choicest people in my life. I have learned so much from each of them. So for all of my losses I have had so many gains. And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. That there are many more blessings on their way. So just for today I choose faith.
So really what are my losses? Some of them are obvious. The loss of my grandma's life being the most recent. I am grateful though that I haven't loss her spirit. If given the choice between losing her physically or spiritually I would choose physically in a heartbeat. So yes I loss my grandma on January 31st. I also loss my mom on June 27, 1999 but really I lost her far before then (sorry mom). There have been too many "family secrets" in my family. I refuse to cover up anything. Yes my mom's body died in 99 but her mind died far before them due to a disease called alcoholism.
I want to make it clear she really did try her best. She really did love me. It took me years to acknowledge that She did her best and my needs were not met. I thought it had to be one way or the other. Because of her alcoholism she was told when I was 5 that her brain cells were dying because she was drinking wine. So, instead, she started drinking hard liquor. Somehow she did manage to hold down a full time job though. That I will never understand. It is a good thing I grew up with health insurance. When I was 3 I almost died of a tropical parasite (they had even quarantined my whole family). Finally they discovered what it was at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was lucky to not have brain damage because of the high fevers I had. My mom eventually developed multiple personality disorder too. Once those were finally integrated she was bi polar. She didn't know how to discipline so sometimes she was physically and verbally abusive. She also had all kinds of hallucinations and would think that satan was trying to attack us and one time destroyed our beds because she was convinced something was in there. It was that day we got waterbeds. I did the grocery shopping at a very early age, I took care of myself and took care of my mom, in one word I was codependent. So I experienced the loss of a healthy childhood. I also experienced the loss of ever having an emotionally healthy mom and of course her physical death.
With my father we don't know if he is dead or alive. I last saw him when I was 13. I have probably only seen him a dozen or so times in my life. I lasted talked to him in 2006 and I was the last one to talk to him. He was in Las Vegas. We STILL don't know if he is alive or dead. He, too, was an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. It's a pretty darn good thing that I do not drink. I don't even touch it. the closest I come is to eating fondue. I just want some closure. My paternal grandma died in 2008 and we don't know if he even knows that or if he even died before her.
Without going into details I lost my innocence which was not my choice. I have also loss and been betrayed by friends that were like family to me. There is one family in particular. I am not going to use their name although anyone who really knows me would know who they are. I will call them the First family.
I met one of their daughters first and we became instant friends. Then I met the rest of the family. We all became friends. I was a convert to the LDS church at 16 and they were converts too. I spent holidays with them. I spent Family Home Evenings with them. I went on family vacations with them. As we all got older and they got married and had children I was the role I treasure the most in mortality "Aunt Debbie". I LOVE being an aunt and I still am to other children and I will ALWAYS be an aunt to these children too. If they EVER need or want me I will ALWAYS be there for them. I love them and pray for them.
I rushed to the hospital to meet each of them and hold their precious tiny bodies, I rocked and sang them to sleep, I babysat them, when they were sick I held them even if that meant them throwing up in my hair once, we played at Chuck E Cheese together, went to parks and just did so many fun things. I felt like I had a place in this world and that I had an outlet for my very nurturing spirit. Still to this day I don't know WHY they decided to cut me off. One of them hasn't. One is still my dear sister and always will be. I know I am far from perfect but there has never ever been a child I have ever been unkind to or even raised my voice to. I protect children just naturally. And them ending our friendship which was like family to me was SUCH a loss to me that it was more like a divorce. I am grateful that one has stood by my side yet it hurts that the others have turned their backs on me. I especially miss those sweet children who would fight for my lap to sit on. Children can sense unconditional love and they knew that I loved them. And I still do love them. So that was a huge loss.
I also have 2 broken engagements. It's hard when you think things are going to work out only for them not to. More than anything in the world I want MY family. I want it so badly I chose to major in Family and Human Development and I hope and pray one day I do get my family. My future husband will be cherished and appreciated and loved more than anything. I will honor the goodness in him.I will appreciate all of the good in him. I already have such a deep desire to serve and show him love every day. And of course I will be very affectionate with him. I chose to hope that one day I will find him or better yet he will find me. Or maybe my grandma now will nudge him my way. I want children more than anything too. It doesn't matter to me if they come from body all will come from my heart. Whether it's adopted children, biological children or step children. I will love them all the same. I choose to focus on that joy that I will have.
Yes I have experienced a lot of losses. Some have affected me in deeper ways than others. They have all brought pain. But they have also all increased the size of heart. They have all reminded that I still got to choose whether to let them make me bitter or better. I choose better. I choose gratitude. I choose to let these experiences to lead me to the Light rather than bring darkness in my life.
So this loss is big. And I am not going to lie when I say that it did freak me out a bit when the counselor said that losses are cumulative in their effect. But I know something that they don't know. I know the power of the atonement to make all things new. To make things even better than they were before. To not just repair but to restore completely. To take these broken, fragmented pieces of my heart and life and give me peace.
One of my all time favorite quotes talks about losses in our lives. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ Joseph B Wirthlin
So I choose to trust that my loving and kind Heavenly Father and Savior keep their promises. I trust that healing is also cumulative in nature. I trust that even the deepest pain can be healed through applying the atonement in our lives. I am grateful I have not just that belief. Beliefs are great but they don't carry you through the hardest and darkest nights. I am grateful to have this knowledge that He CAN heal me and He WILL heal me because He has promised to. And because He finds great JOY in my healing and in my JOY. Just as any parent feels happy inside when their child is happy so it is with our Heavenly Parents. They want our happiness and want to see all of our dreams come true. And along that path we may just find some surprises too.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned. The center of my heart besides my Savior is family. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. But I can still find joy and happiness even though that hasn't come to pass yet. I believe it will one day. So far he has taken me to many places, probably the oddest being the UN. He has brought people into my life that have amazed me. It seems like I meet people and feel instantly connected to them. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some of the choicest people in my life. I have learned so much from each of them. So for all of my losses I have had so many gains. And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. That there are many more blessings on their way. So just for today I choose faith.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
I Feel Such A Powerful Out Pour Of Love
It's only been 12 days since my grandma died. It still hurts deeply and I think that sting will likely be there for quite awhile. It has been said we mourn because we love. It was worth it to love my grandma so deeply even if it meant that I have to hurt like this. Yet there are moments of joy every day. I create those moments. I choose those moments.
But most of all I feel joy because so many people have reached out to me in love. Just in the past 12 days these things have happened to me (in no particular order because they have all touched my heart):
1) Sweet cards from loved ones. Cards from my grandma's friends that express the love they have for her too.
2) Donations for the memorial and all of the costs associated with it. For years I stressed and wondered how I could possibly pay for grandma's proper burial. But miracles came through.
3) Amazing friends in my church community that I didn't even know before that have brought me meals. And all of the love that has been expressed in those meals. None left without hugging me and letting me know I am not alone.
4 Pink tulips from my room mate for my grandma's grave.
5) Visiting with my cousin and laughing so hard we cried about funny memories with grandma.
6) All of the prayers, facebook comments and emails.
7) The knowledge that this is NOT the end. Death is not the end. Oh how my gratitude grows for my Savior and His love. He knew I would be mourning. He knew who needed to be in my life to heal the pain.
8) My sweet relief society president that cleared out my grandma's apartment for me on Saturday. I was too sick and weak to go myself. She did it all on her own. I had only met her once.
So yes God is indeed good. He giveth and He taketh away. But even when He takes away He still gives us His peace and love.
But most of all I feel joy because so many people have reached out to me in love. Just in the past 12 days these things have happened to me (in no particular order because they have all touched my heart):
1) Sweet cards from loved ones. Cards from my grandma's friends that express the love they have for her too.
2) Donations for the memorial and all of the costs associated with it. For years I stressed and wondered how I could possibly pay for grandma's proper burial. But miracles came through.
3) Amazing friends in my church community that I didn't even know before that have brought me meals. And all of the love that has been expressed in those meals. None left without hugging me and letting me know I am not alone.
4 Pink tulips from my room mate for my grandma's grave.
5) Visiting with my cousin and laughing so hard we cried about funny memories with grandma.
6) All of the prayers, facebook comments and emails.
7) The knowledge that this is NOT the end. Death is not the end. Oh how my gratitude grows for my Savior and His love. He knew I would be mourning. He knew who needed to be in my life to heal the pain.
8) My sweet relief society president that cleared out my grandma's apartment for me on Saturday. I was too sick and weak to go myself. She did it all on her own. I had only met her once.
So yes God is indeed good. He giveth and He taketh away. But even when He takes away He still gives us His peace and love.
Monday, February 11, 2013
I Don't Like Suprises
Since I learned a few months ago that my grandma would die soon I had a certain sense of panic set in every night. I would have a hard time going to sleep, have nightmares (and have to take medication to stop them) and have even more than my average amount of insomnia. I would wonder if this could be the day that she would die. As the time got increasingly closer so did those feelings.
For those who don't know me, I don't like surprises. (Sorry for those who have ever thrown surprise parties for me) Someone once described it to me like being on a roller coaster. Since I am recovering from a lot of trauma there is always that adrenaline that kicks is wondering what is around the next corner. Some people love that feeling. I loathe it. The only real reason I can figure out is the difference is you get to choose if you want to get on a roller coaster or sky dive or do other activities. When you are a "thriver" of abuse and other issues you don't get to choose. You just get surprised. Each time you get surprised your cortisol level shoots up. No wonder I burned my adrenal glands out. I will be working really hard this year to repair them and be more gentle with my body.
Now I realize I don't need to fear that I will wake up and my grandma will be taken from me. She has already been physically taken. In fact tomorrow probably I will go pick up her remains (not something I am looking forward to). I have a memorial service to plan and then I get to lay her to rest next to my mom. My cousin, Nate and I decided to have on her head stone We'll Love You Forever. Because we have forever. Forever is beautiful.
So no matter what life surprises me with now I can be content knowing grandma is in good hands. I no longer need to worry that she may fall again and they may not get to her. Or that she may choke. Or that she will be so thirsty and dehydrated yet aspirate on water. I am so grateful there are no more surprises like that.
The surprises I have to look forward to are seeing her embracing my Savior. Seeing her laughing with my mom, her mom and all of her siblings. What a celebration of love there is occurring right now. And as there are times when my heart feels like it is going to break. Or my body is being pushed to it's very limit I will rest in the perfect and eternal love of my Savior. There are no bad surprises only glorious ones.
I am sure my grandma will touch down when she sees fit. I feel like I dreamt of grandma and mom last night but I am not quite sure. I keep telling them to prod my husband my way. We shall see. :) Trust me if anyone has the power to do it, it would be my grandma. She asked every man we ever met if they were single or not (a little embarrassing but I laugh now). I hope I have some sweet children on the other side that she is interacting with. I just feel she is embraced in love. She is whole again. I no longer have to worry every night about her safety. Or worry if this will be the night. Or worry how things will play out.
I have seen miracles happen. Doors are opening. I can feel at peace. I am not thrilled losing this semester but the more I pray about it the more I feel at peace about it. I feel like I have to strengthen my body especially. I know I need another surgery to eliminate (prayerfully) endometriosis. I know I need to eat healthier. I should get a complete refund for compassionate withdraw from both semesters although last semester I did get an A in one class that I need and I hope I can keep it. I can also keep updated daily on learning math so I can be at the level I need to be at. And last but not least I can do some volunteer project I am beyond thrilled about that will use my talents again. Hopefully I can finish my book too and bless the lives of others. Good surprises lay ahead although I still would rather know ahead of time.
For those who don't know me, I don't like surprises. (Sorry for those who have ever thrown surprise parties for me) Someone once described it to me like being on a roller coaster. Since I am recovering from a lot of trauma there is always that adrenaline that kicks is wondering what is around the next corner. Some people love that feeling. I loathe it. The only real reason I can figure out is the difference is you get to choose if you want to get on a roller coaster or sky dive or do other activities. When you are a "thriver" of abuse and other issues you don't get to choose. You just get surprised. Each time you get surprised your cortisol level shoots up. No wonder I burned my adrenal glands out. I will be working really hard this year to repair them and be more gentle with my body.
Now I realize I don't need to fear that I will wake up and my grandma will be taken from me. She has already been physically taken. In fact tomorrow probably I will go pick up her remains (not something I am looking forward to). I have a memorial service to plan and then I get to lay her to rest next to my mom. My cousin, Nate and I decided to have on her head stone We'll Love You Forever. Because we have forever. Forever is beautiful.
So no matter what life surprises me with now I can be content knowing grandma is in good hands. I no longer need to worry that she may fall again and they may not get to her. Or that she may choke. Or that she will be so thirsty and dehydrated yet aspirate on water. I am so grateful there are no more surprises like that.
The surprises I have to look forward to are seeing her embracing my Savior. Seeing her laughing with my mom, her mom and all of her siblings. What a celebration of love there is occurring right now. And as there are times when my heart feels like it is going to break. Or my body is being pushed to it's very limit I will rest in the perfect and eternal love of my Savior. There are no bad surprises only glorious ones.
I am sure my grandma will touch down when she sees fit. I feel like I dreamt of grandma and mom last night but I am not quite sure. I keep telling them to prod my husband my way. We shall see. :) Trust me if anyone has the power to do it, it would be my grandma. She asked every man we ever met if they were single or not (a little embarrassing but I laugh now). I hope I have some sweet children on the other side that she is interacting with. I just feel she is embraced in love. She is whole again. I no longer have to worry every night about her safety. Or worry if this will be the night. Or worry how things will play out.
I have seen miracles happen. Doors are opening. I can feel at peace. I am not thrilled losing this semester but the more I pray about it the more I feel at peace about it. I feel like I have to strengthen my body especially. I know I need another surgery to eliminate (prayerfully) endometriosis. I know I need to eat healthier. I should get a complete refund for compassionate withdraw from both semesters although last semester I did get an A in one class that I need and I hope I can keep it. I can also keep updated daily on learning math so I can be at the level I need to be at. And last but not least I can do some volunteer project I am beyond thrilled about that will use my talents again. Hopefully I can finish my book too and bless the lives of others. Good surprises lay ahead although I still would rather know ahead of time.
So Much In My Heart And On My Mind
On January 31, 2013 my sweet grandmother graduated with honors from mortality. She passed away at a hospice. I knew it was coming. We both did but I never told her the doctors gave her 1 to 3 months to live in December. I just couldn't. But some how she knew I think. But let me back up a little bit.
December 21,2012 I got a call that my sweet grandma had fallen and broken her shoulder. Since she already had surgery on her gallbladder in September and got pneumonia the doctor felt it would be best not to operate on her. I am so grateful for my grandma's inspired nurse who took her off her coumadin. Coumadin is a blood thinner and the doctor said she would have bled out had she been on it.
Dr Fields (her osteo doc) gave me the worse news of my life. I have so say that he is one of the kindest men I have ever talked to. He told me that because of my grandma's age her body wasn't holding on to protein. He gave her 1 to 3 months at the most to live. She was in a rehab place that she hated.
I called hospice and they got her out of there RIGHT away. She was able to be home for Christmas. Grandma was left handed and I know she was in pain but I know that she didn't want me to see her in pain. So she was all dressed up and we had Christmas lunch in the dining room at her assisted living place. This would be the last time we ever had dinner again. I cherished that time. For Christmas I got her soft fuzzy socks, chocolate and nuts. I wanted to get her more but there just wasn't enough money and it was costing $10 each time I went to visit her in gas. So I visited her at least twice a week and the hospice nurse went about the same amount of time. On Christmas she could talk in a normal voice and was doing quite well. Her pain was under control.
Then she gradually deteriorated. This was the hardest part for me. You think losing someone to death is the hardest but really it's not. It is seeing them hurt and suffer and knowing you can do nothing. She had started to aspirate, couldn't hold down water and was miserable.
The Saturday before her death was POWERFUL. I went to visit her and got her all of the things the hospice nurse told me to get her. We had a nice long talk although it was not above a whisper. Then she suddenly told me what I thought was "Your mom is standing next to my bed." I smiled and said, "Grandma, mom is standing by your bed?" She said, "No! JESUS and your mom are standing by my bed.." She had such a serene look on her face. You could tell she knew what she saw. She was on NO medication. None. She knew what she saw and I felt that peace. I called in patient hospice and they came out and evaluated her and said she refused to go.
I had a baptism I needed to get to. I was in the hospital a year previously and one of my caregivers came into my room and asked why she felt something different in my room. I was a little taken back. Here was I was hospitalized with colitis feeling pretty icky and yet she said she felt something different in my room. I bore my testimony of Jesus Christ and my testimony of how being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints changed my life. She went down to the gift shop and came up with a sweet little angel figurine and a sweet letter. And thus my friendship with Casey begun.
We would talk on and off for months and then once I moved into Kelli's house in Gilbert she asked if she could go to church with me. Of course I was excited and she started coming. She also started taking the missionary lessons too.
Change is hard. Especially as we get older. She had set a couple of dates and backed out. I wanted to assure her that no matter what I would ALWAYS be her friend member or not. And that goes for ALL of my friends. My friendships are not based on religion, race, sexual orientation, or anything else. They are based on kindness, love, light, goodness, shared experiences and sometimes simply just fun. Most of my friendships just develop organically. I don't really need to think about them.
When I moved to Queen Creek I still talked to Casey and talked to her. In fact one time I was at a Wal Mart literally 45 minutes away from and a good 20 minutes away from her and we happened to run into each other. It was definitely not an accident. There are no accidents when it comes to God. I know he timed everything perfectly for me to be going out the same door at the same time on the same date that Casey was walking in. That isn't an accident. That is our Father's way of showing His tender mercies to His children. To remind us that He is there. Even in our darkest times. He is ALWAYS there.
I wrote the following on my facebook the day of my friend Casey's baptism:
I am so grateful for answers to prayers. Today I went and saw my grandma and then I went to my friend's baptism. As I was driving I was listening to Christian music. The thought came into my head that the Savior makes all things work together for our good. Then came the prompting "Debbie what about ALL things do you not understand?" Basically I felt like He was telling me that even in the valleys we go through there is a purpose. Even when we make mistakes and lose our way He can still make ALL things, EVERYTHING, without exception come together for our good.
So as things with grandma decline, I hope I can hold on to these promises. I sang the song "How Great Thou Art" at this baptism tonight. I lost it at the part "When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim my God how great thou art.
So even in the messes we make out of our own lives. Even in the brokeness. Even during the times of sadness. Whatever trials we go through He WILL make all things work together for our good. If we trust Him. And love Him. And even when we don't He is still our perfect Father and loves us perfectly.
My grandma and I had a great talk today. I told her I didn't like seeing her suffer. That it was okay to go to the other side. She said that every day she prays "Thy will be done." I am blessed to have a grandma of faith. I am blessed to have a grandma who prays for me. Then she said she saw my mom and the Savior by her bed. I don't know how long she has. None of us do. I want to be like her each day and say Thy will be done. I am grateful to know this is not the end. That this life is just the beginning of something greater to come. I take great comfort in knowing that there is a Savior of the world. That knows me. He knows her. And He only wants what is for our good in the end. Indeed "How Great Thou Art".
So as I have alternated between every emotion known to mankind I am grateful for the steadiness of our Savior. I am grateful that in this ever changing world He does not and will not change. I am grateful for His capacity to feel my pain and understand what I need the most when I need it the most.
I have also had the blessing was sweet friends who have been there for me. Sometimes it is just a text or a phone call or something equally as simple. Other times it is a meal brought to me or my relief society president who cleared out and stored my grandma's things when I was too ill to do it myself. This is such an example of the Savior's love for me. I hope I can love as He loves. I hope I can make my sweet grandma proud of the woman I am becoming. And I hope in the end my Savior can say the words that I am sure He said to my grandma "Well done thou good and faithful servant." At the end when I told my grandma it was okay for her to go if the timing was right she said each day she prayed "not my will but thine". I am glad they were able to keep her comfortable at hospice by giving her morphine and ativan. It was heart breaking to see her go through the stages of death and to want so desperately to stop them. But I had the distinct feeling that my dear Savior, my mom, her mom, all of her siblings and many others were so very excited to be reunited with her again. That like a child runs into the arms of a loved one so quickly and so swiftly that my grandma was like that. And they were quick to embrace her.
So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because the atonement makes it possible for me to be with my Savior again. I choose joy for the atonement makes it possible to be with my loved ones again. I choose joy that all will have a chance to accept or reject the atonement. And I choose joy simply because it is a much better way to live!
December 21,2012 I got a call that my sweet grandma had fallen and broken her shoulder. Since she already had surgery on her gallbladder in September and got pneumonia the doctor felt it would be best not to operate on her. I am so grateful for my grandma's inspired nurse who took her off her coumadin. Coumadin is a blood thinner and the doctor said she would have bled out had she been on it.
Dr Fields (her osteo doc) gave me the worse news of my life. I have so say that he is one of the kindest men I have ever talked to. He told me that because of my grandma's age her body wasn't holding on to protein. He gave her 1 to 3 months at the most to live. She was in a rehab place that she hated.
I called hospice and they got her out of there RIGHT away. She was able to be home for Christmas. Grandma was left handed and I know she was in pain but I know that she didn't want me to see her in pain. So she was all dressed up and we had Christmas lunch in the dining room at her assisted living place. This would be the last time we ever had dinner again. I cherished that time. For Christmas I got her soft fuzzy socks, chocolate and nuts. I wanted to get her more but there just wasn't enough money and it was costing $10 each time I went to visit her in gas. So I visited her at least twice a week and the hospice nurse went about the same amount of time. On Christmas she could talk in a normal voice and was doing quite well. Her pain was under control.
Then she gradually deteriorated. This was the hardest part for me. You think losing someone to death is the hardest but really it's not. It is seeing them hurt and suffer and knowing you can do nothing. She had started to aspirate, couldn't hold down water and was miserable.
The Saturday before her death was POWERFUL. I went to visit her and got her all of the things the hospice nurse told me to get her. We had a nice long talk although it was not above a whisper. Then she suddenly told me what I thought was "Your mom is standing next to my bed." I smiled and said, "Grandma, mom is standing by your bed?" She said, "No! JESUS and your mom are standing by my bed.." She had such a serene look on her face. You could tell she knew what she saw. She was on NO medication. None. She knew what she saw and I felt that peace. I called in patient hospice and they came out and evaluated her and said she refused to go.
I had a baptism I needed to get to. I was in the hospital a year previously and one of my caregivers came into my room and asked why she felt something different in my room. I was a little taken back. Here was I was hospitalized with colitis feeling pretty icky and yet she said she felt something different in my room. I bore my testimony of Jesus Christ and my testimony of how being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints changed my life. She went down to the gift shop and came up with a sweet little angel figurine and a sweet letter. And thus my friendship with Casey begun.
We would talk on and off for months and then once I moved into Kelli's house in Gilbert she asked if she could go to church with me. Of course I was excited and she started coming. She also started taking the missionary lessons too.
Change is hard. Especially as we get older. She had set a couple of dates and backed out. I wanted to assure her that no matter what I would ALWAYS be her friend member or not. And that goes for ALL of my friends. My friendships are not based on religion, race, sexual orientation, or anything else. They are based on kindness, love, light, goodness, shared experiences and sometimes simply just fun. Most of my friendships just develop organically. I don't really need to think about them.
When I moved to Queen Creek I still talked to Casey and talked to her. In fact one time I was at a Wal Mart literally 45 minutes away from and a good 20 minutes away from her and we happened to run into each other. It was definitely not an accident. There are no accidents when it comes to God. I know he timed everything perfectly for me to be going out the same door at the same time on the same date that Casey was walking in. That isn't an accident. That is our Father's way of showing His tender mercies to His children. To remind us that He is there. Even in our darkest times. He is ALWAYS there.
I wrote the following on my facebook the day of my friend Casey's baptism:
I am so grateful for answers to prayers. Today I went and saw my grandma and then I went to my friend's baptism. As I was driving I was listening to Christian music. The thought came into my head that the Savior makes all things work together for our good. Then came the prompting "Debbie what about ALL things do you not understand?" Basically I felt like He was telling me that even in the valleys we go through there is a purpose. Even when we make mistakes and lose our way He can still make ALL things, EVERYTHING, without exception come together for our good.
So as things with grandma decline, I hope I can hold on to these promises. I sang the song "How Great Thou Art" at this baptism tonight. I lost it at the part "When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation and take me home what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim my God how great thou art.
So even in the messes we make out of our own lives. Even in the brokeness. Even during the times of sadness. Whatever trials we go through He WILL make all things work together for our good. If we trust Him. And love Him. And even when we don't He is still our perfect Father and loves us perfectly.
My grandma and I had a great talk today. I told her I didn't like seeing her suffer. That it was okay to go to the other side. She said that every day she prays "Thy will be done." I am blessed to have a grandma of faith. I am blessed to have a grandma who prays for me. Then she said she saw my mom and the Savior by her bed. I don't know how long she has. None of us do. I want to be like her each day and say Thy will be done. I am grateful to know this is not the end. That this life is just the beginning of something greater to come. I take great comfort in knowing that there is a Savior of the world. That knows me. He knows her. And He only wants what is for our good in the end. Indeed "How Great Thou Art".
So as I have alternated between every emotion known to mankind I am grateful for the steadiness of our Savior. I am grateful that in this ever changing world He does not and will not change. I am grateful for His capacity to feel my pain and understand what I need the most when I need it the most.
I have also had the blessing was sweet friends who have been there for me. Sometimes it is just a text or a phone call or something equally as simple. Other times it is a meal brought to me or my relief society president who cleared out and stored my grandma's things when I was too ill to do it myself. This is such an example of the Savior's love for me. I hope I can love as He loves. I hope I can make my sweet grandma proud of the woman I am becoming. And I hope in the end my Savior can say the words that I am sure He said to my grandma "Well done thou good and faithful servant." At the end when I told my grandma it was okay for her to go if the timing was right she said each day she prayed "not my will but thine". I am glad they were able to keep her comfortable at hospice by giving her morphine and ativan. It was heart breaking to see her go through the stages of death and to want so desperately to stop them. But I had the distinct feeling that my dear Savior, my mom, her mom, all of her siblings and many others were so very excited to be reunited with her again. That like a child runs into the arms of a loved one so quickly and so swiftly that my grandma was like that. And they were quick to embrace her.
So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because the atonement makes it possible for me to be with my Savior again. I choose joy for the atonement makes it possible to be with my loved ones again. I choose joy that all will have a chance to accept or reject the atonement. And I choose joy simply because it is a much better way to live!
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