Who am I?

I have been thinking a lot about my identity. I know the basic thing like I am a daughter of God. But EVERYONE is a child of God. Who else am I?

It is so easy to get our identity caught up in what other people believe about us. This weekend I had a very disheartening phone call. I had a friend that spent a good half and hour berating me and tearing me apart. No matter what I said it was taken the wrong way. It has cut me so deeply that it is still on my mind 5 days later. Probably because I was so close to her that I considered her family.

It hurt SO much to have my motives questioned. It hurt to be called deceitful. I am A LOT of things and have many many weaknesses but being deceitful is definitely not one of them.. It hurt that she would ever think that of me. It became apparent that she had talked to others about me which in and of itself is very hurtful. In the end no matter what I said or did I don't think anything changed her mind which broke my heart.

This got me thinking about many things. I am such a people pleaser and have been my entire life. I am a daughter of two alcoholics and I learned very early on to please everyone. I really go out of my way to make sure no one is hurt. In the past I have apologized for things that were not my fault, taken the blame for others in order to "save" a friendship and not be true to who I am all for the sake of pleasing someone else. I realize now that you can't live an authentic life by doing this. Instead it leads to a whole lot of heartache and pain. It takes so much courage to change those patterns and, as I have learned, some people really don't want you to change. Who would when you are always the one taking responsibility for not only how you feel but how everyone else feels! The true path of misery is trying to please everyone 100% of the time. The cost is your own self worth.

So much of our life is defined by the roles we play. It is odd for me to no longer be a daughter. My mom died in 1999 and we really have no clue whether or not my dad is dead or alive. Either way I don't really feel like a daughter anymore. I am no longer a granddaughter. That has been a hard role to lose. My paternal grandmother died in 2006 and of course my other grandma died this year. So much of my identity was wrapped up in being Helen's granddaughter. After all I took care of her 24/7 for over 6 years. I put my own life on hold for that long too. I am not a wife or mother yet although I desire those roles more than any other ones in my life.

I am learning the importance of not tying my identity to what other people think of me. Like I said I will always try very hard not to hurt someone's feelings. This is a priority to me. Many people trust me with their deepest insecurities and are vulnerable. I would never exploit their vulnerability. I strive every day to prove their hearts are safe with me.

The danger in associating our identity with our relationship with others is that it is always changing. Most of the time other people's responses to us have little to do with us and much to do with who they are or what they are going through at the time. One person's opinion may be polar opposite of another's. To go back to my example of last week and the painful conversation I had with my friend I know she is hurting a lot and that influenced her feelings. She said she prayed about our friendship and felt the right thing to do was let go and I respect that. It is hard for me because I truly love her and value her. I always will. Her worth hasn't changed in my eyes even if mine has in hers. I don't work like that. I love everyone who has ever been in my life. She is no exception.

This is huge for me since I have serious abandonment issues stemming from my childhood. I have a hard time letting people go. It hurts me deeply when others choose to leave my life and I always wonder what I did wrong. I am learning it isn't always my fault. I am human and I will make mistakes. I am understanding of my family and friends when they make mistakes. I am always quick to forgive. I know I am not perfect and I seek forgiveness often from those that I love. When someone is hurt by something that I did or said I am quick to try to fix it. I know some things can't be fixed like when careless words escape my mouth or when I miss important events in life. Those are the times when I seek their grace and forgiveness.

To give you a contrast of last week I had this conversation and then I also had a friend who sent me the following text, "I am so happy to hear that my bright, beautiful, happy, excited, enthusiastic, joyful, smart, funny, intelligent, loving and caring friend is coming back. When you are the real you, you are simply the most Christlike person I know." As far as getting back to the real me this was after a few years of extremely intense trials. I share this text not to brag but to show the sharp contrast. By the way I have had this friend for almost 20 years so I must be doing something right. That shows how deeply I value my friends.

So those are the complete opposite feelings about me. You can see why basing our self esteem on others is unhealthy and unpredictable. Our self worth and the knowledge of who we really are can't be based on anyone's approval or disapproval. I see this all of the time with my friends who are going through or have gone through divorces. So much of their self worth was tied in the way their spouses felt about them. I have seen them utterly devastated. Their marriage isn't the only thing they lost. Many have had their self esteem annihilated. Don't get me wrong I am VERY pro marriage. Don't let my current status fool you. It's just not wise to EVER base your self esteem on humans that can, and often do, let you down. No matter how great your friends or family members are, they do not have an accurate view of who you are. Their view is flawed simply because they are looking at you through their own lens. They see you not as you are but as they are.

We also can't base our self worth on what we DO. We are not human doings, we are human beings. Our talents and abilities can be taken from us at any given time without warning. An accomplished pianist may one day not be able to play due to arthritis or other conditions. An athlete may get into a car accident and lose or badly damage a limb. Someone who bases their identity off of serving others may one day find they are the ones needing service. A person who bases their identity on their outward appearance will one day find themselves not as young as they use to be or as thin or beautiful as they once were. Basing our self worth on what we do or on outside characteristics is dangerous too!

As I realized this week though, when we based our sense of self on others we are really giving our power away. Even worse when we let others define us we will do whatever we need to do to stay in their good graces.This could come at the cost of our relationship with our Heavenly Father. This happened to me with the last guy I dated. I allowed myself to be in positions where I had to choose his will or the Lord's will. Sadly many times I chose him over the Lord because I felt like I needed his approval.

So what should we base our self worth on? Simply the fact that we are children of our Heavenly Father. Simply because we are His our self worth is endless. When our lives are centered on Him and how He views us, then what everyone else thinks and how they feel doesn't matter as much. Then the other labels we place on ourselves don't seem to matter as much. This is absolutely essential to live a joyful, happy life. When our self esteem is based on our true identity, the world can't take it away because the world didn't give it. Just for today I choose joy because I know that I am a daughter of God and that is all of the identity I will EVER need!

I am learning

This season in my life feels like rapid fire learning. Sometimes it is overwhelming as I try to keep up with all of it. I have panic attacks quite frequently right now as I am trying to heal from my past. It can be really frustrating at times. But I have faith that these trials will build strengths in me that I can't see at the present time. That is what I am trying to focus on.

Yesterday in church we talked about service. The women giving the lesson talked about how when we allow others to serve us we allow them to act as Christ would if He were in that situation. It is SO hard for me to allow others to help and serve me. I was brought up in a world where you just didn't ask for anything. Maybe it was because for so long my needs were not met. After awhile you stop asking. I realized that most of the time I don't even know what I need. This is such a challenge for me. I can't expect others to help if I can't identify my own needs.

There are so many scriptures that basically say ask and ye shall receive. I know our Heavenly Father is eager to bless us when we ask. Sometimes the asking part can be pretty difficult. I LOVE serving others. I have done it my whole life. Truly it brings me deep abiding joy. Yet it is so hard to let others serve me. I don't want to deprive them of that joy, I just feel like I should be able to do everything on my own.

I am grateful for all I am learning right now. Just for today I choose joy by learning to accept help. Knowing that I am worthy although far from perfect. I can rest in His love.

Facing the Truth

Facing the truth about things in our lives takes strength. It's only when we see things as they really are and not as we want them to be that we can really change. There are certain situations in my life that I have been forced to face head on. I always see the bright side of things and the good in others and most of the time it is a blessing. Other times, however, it keeps me from progressing because I am not acknowledging what really is. There is power in looking the truth straight in the eyes and healing.

Healing has been on my mind a lot lately. We all have things we need to be healed and delivered from. Some of it is physical, some emotional and some spiritual. I know our Savior has the ability to deliver us from it ALL. And healing comes in layers and it is a process that we can not move faster. It is so vital to our growth that we are patient with the process. This is such a challenge in a world where everything is fast. We go through drive thrus where we grow impatient if we have to wait more than 5 minutes for our food. A meal that use to take hours to prepare can now be thrown in the microwave and be ready to eat in 8 minutes or less. When we want to learn about a topic we don't even have to leave our house now. What use to take days to compile at a library can now be found in 10 minutes or less online. There is nothing wrong with "fast" things in our society but we have to remember that our time is not the same as the Lord's. There are so many things that I have been promised that have not come to pass yet because it is in the Lord's time and not in my own. I get frustrated when I forget that the Lord has a plan and a perfect time table for my life. We can not violate the process of healing and growth. It is a process. Can you imagine if the Lord, when He created the earth, decided to skip day 3 in creation and skip ahead to day 7 -- a day of rest -- because it sounded easier. What would we have missed in that creation? Our live is a creation too and there are always reasons why, even when we can not see or comprehend.

I am excited for a new week that is hopefully brighter and happier than this last week was. There were some tender mercies of the Lord in my life this last week which I am so grateful for! The emails, prayers, calls, package and love that has been sent on my behalf is so appreciated! I am always humbled by the love that those around me show and I am grateful that the Lord is patient with His child. Growth is not always a fun process but it is needful!

I need more truth and light in my life. In order to have that there are things I need more of and things I need less of. I am grateful that the Lord is guiding me and helping me see what I need to hang on to and what I need to let go of. He truly does have a perfect plan for our lives even though our lives aren't perfect. I am grateful for the truths I know. I truly believe in the scripture that says the truth shall set us free. Even when the truth is painful.

Through The Hardest Times In Our Lives Our God WILL Deliver Us

I had a great conversation today with my friend Casey. We were both pretty frustrated with where we were at in life. I will be honest I think this is the lowest I have ever been before in my life. And I have had pretty difficult life experiences. So this leads me to the thought I had and I hope it helps someone else.

When people were at their lowest in the scriptures God delivered them! I think of the story of Shadreck Meshack and Abendigo (I probably misspelled all 3 of their names but I am too tired to look it up) they were thrown in a hot furnace. Did God desert them there? No, He delivered them. Daniel was in the lion's den, did God allow the lion to consume him. No, God again delivered Daniel. Joseph was sold into slavery but his brothers but God exalted him in the end. He did deliver him. Jonah was delivered from the belly of the whale, Noah and his family were saved from the flood and most of all our Savior was delivered and overcame death!

We are all going to have challenges in our lives. Right now my biggest ones seem to be overcoming a past of abuse, neglect and my parent's alcoholism. This hasn't been easy. But I am reminded that God ALWAYS delivers us. He also gives us more than what was taken away. Like the example of Job. God delivered Him in a might way. It took a bit longer than the 3 guys in the furnace and longer than Daniel and I sure hope longer than Jonah. But God delivered them ALL.

Don't lose hope. No matter what you are going through. Have faith that with God ALL things are possible and we are PROMISED, "ALL things work together for God for those who serve  and love the Lord." God keeps His promises. Even if it takes a little longer. Even when it feels like the trials are neverending. Even when WE reach our breaking points. He loves us perfectly. Our perfect Heavenly Father WILL deliver us all in due time. I will be honest I kind of hate the word due time. Sometimes I wish I could just find the fast forward button and fast forward the crappy parts and get to the good stuff. Yet those crappy parts build our character, they strengthen our faith and they test us. After all aren't we here to be tested and to return home to live with the Lord forever.

So just for today I will choose joy because I know no matter how long these trials last God WILL deliver me. He keeps His promises. So no matter what challenges you face. No matter what you are going through I hope that you know that He loves you perfectly and all in His time He WILL deliver you!

New Beginnings

I have always loved new beginnings. When you think about it each day is really a chance for a new beginning. I remember a friend years ago who would celebrate every new month like it was a new year. I thought it was pretty creative.

I am grateful for the chance to have new beginnings. I am grateful that Jesus Christ made it possible TO have new beginnings. So often I feel the growing pains of growth. I have no earthly idea what the Lord is doing in my life I just pray that I can heal so I can help other people. I have always had a passion for helping others heal.

One of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis is this one from his book Mere Christianity, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I think we all have those moments in our lives. But if we can have an eternal perspective that every new beginning can take us to here He wants us to go. It's not always easy. It's a messy process at times. Yet we can't even imagine the outcome in our mortal senses. God truly does know what He is doing. Just for today I choose to rest in His love and truly trust Him. To give Him my all and hold nothing back. To not need all of the answers which is so hard for me. I want to know. I always want answers or some logical reason. There are so many times we have to walk by faith and be okay with not having everything laid out for us. Some things we know at the time. Some things we know in retrospect. Some things, possibly the majority, won't make sense until we get to the other side. Let's face it,I doubt on the other side we will really ask why. 

I have missed my grandma so much. It's been 6 months yesterday since she graduated from mortality. I know she is progressing and happy on the other side. I have had people not like the term progressing but I do believe our progression isn't over in this life. If we are to be like the Lord there is so much to learn. I am grateful she is free of emotional and physical pain. She is with those she loves the most. But it doesn't mean there aren't times when I don't miss her so much. But she is having her new beginning on the other side. I don't need to worry about her anymore.