Where is God?

I really, really debated whether or not to write this. Anyone who knows me knows that I love my Savior and Heavenly Father more than anything. I know He loves His children. Right now though when I am hurting and dealing with deep grief, sorrow and health issues at times I wonder where He is.

I have spent the last few days trying to figure everything out. I know a lot logically but right now feeling things deep in my heart is a little more challenging. It frustrates me even more because I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, medical insurance and 99.9% of the time I have my faith. It has seen me through so much pain and heartache.

Right now though, I just hurt. I feel abandoned by my Heavenly Father much like I have by my earthly father. I think part of the problem is that I am projecting my feelings of abandonment from my earthly father to my Heavenly Father. Again I logically know that our Heavenly Father is perfect and won't abandon us but that doesn't mean I don't feel that way right now. I am sharing this because right now this is part of my journey to wholeness: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am also sharing this so maybe someone can read this and not feel so alone. It doesn't help that I feel guilty for feeling this way. It's kind of like a double whammy.

I have gone down a check list of mine when I feel like He is far away. Here are some things on my checklist.

1) Am I praying at least once a day?
2) Do I have any sins I have not taken care of?
3) Am I reading my scriptures?
4) Am I trying to serve others?
5) Am I truly seeking Him with all I have?

The answer to all of these questions, except #2 is yes. So why do I feel this way? I don't quite know.

I know right now that I miss my family with all I have. It goes beyond missing my grandma, although I definitely miss her a lot too. It's hard feeling so alone. Everyone has their families and not only do I not have a husband and children (which is the truest and purest desire of my heart) but I don't have siblings or a mother or father. In saying this it is not to take away in any part of my gratitude and love that I have for my cousin and his family. Or my uncle in Minnesota and my aunt and cousins there. I just wish they lived closer.

When people are stressing about the perfect gift to get someone inside I am screaming that they should just be grateful that they have family. These tumors on my brain have completely broken me down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I have never been so utterly exhausted in my life. I really feel like I have nothing left inside.

I really do normally have good coping skills. I guess I still do. I have had to have good coping skills to endure the things I have to in my life. But now those skills seem so grossly inadequate. Who knew mourning the loss of someone you have loved more than anyone else and having two brain tumors and hormonal imbalances could change the whole game of life.

I know there is a lot in mortality we won't understand. Sometimes a lot of things make sense in retrospect, other times they may never make sense. I know this is just a season in my life. A wave of grief and pain that needs to just be ridden out. But I hurt. Oh how I hurt.

I do take great comfort that my Savior pleaded with His Father to remove the bitter cup, yet He always deferred to the will of the Father. I want this time in my life to bring me closer to my Savior and Heavenly Father. Sometimes it feels like God is playing hide and seek and it's hard to find Him.

I read today that you need 4 hugs daily for survival, 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth. Most of the days I get zero. My heart longs to have someone to love and to hug. Touch is my love language. I want so much to have a husband and children to share my life with. I know I won't ever take the blessing of family for granted. I know that I must be whole first. I must heal so I can marry an emotionally healthy man to do so I must be emotionally healthy. I also refuse to pass down unhealthy familial patterns to my children. The pain and abuse stops with me. I know I will be far from a perfect wife or mom. But I also know I will love with all I have.

I hope and pray I feel the Lord closer this upcoming week. The holidays are tough for sure. I want to feel joyful. I want to celebrate the birth of my Savior but right now I would be grateful just to sleep through it to be honest.

This week I have an appointment for counseling and an MRI with contrast of the pituitary gland on the 27th. Then hopefully the endocrinologist got the preauthorization they needed for a more in depth test that has to be done out patient at the hospital. This will measure my cortisol again. Then I have an appointment with Dr. Little, my new neurosurgeon on the 14th of January. They said they would try to get me in sooner. I wish the first neurosurgeon had viewed the MRI and decided it was out of his area of expertise BEFORE I had to go see him and get transferred to another doctor. I truly believe everything happens for a reason but all of this waiting gets frustrating at times.

I have decided since I can't really do much of anything right now that at least I can read self improvement books and push myself to grow in that area. The word I chose for 2014 is LIGHT. I am praying to clear darkness out of my life through the power of light. I hope I can heal in every way possible.

I had no clue last year at this time what a year would bring. I always like things laid out beforehand. In this case though I am so glad I didn't know. It would have been way too overwhelming.

A year ago yesterday, my grandma had broken her shoulder at her assisted living place. It hurt so deeply to know that she had laid there for an hour before someone got to her. She even had one of those life alert bracelets that you push and a nurse comes (well he or she should have). I remember being so grateful that they had taken her off of blood thinners just a few weeks before. If they hadn't she would have bled out. Her nurse saved her life.

After her fall I had a really hard time trusting that her needs would be met. I lived 45 minutes away but tried to come as often as I could to see her. Her hospice nurse was great too. After she was in the hospital they sent her to a rehab place. Her doctor was amazing. He actually called me and told me he had bad news. I remember he asked me if I had someone there with me and my answer was no. Again I had to face this alone. He told me her blood work showed that her body was not producing enough protein. She had a hard time breathing before that and would aspirate on just water. It was heartbreaking to see someone that I love hurt that much. I knew at least when I lived with her that I was right there if she fell or wasn't eating or needed anything. The last two years before I put her into assisted living, I was afraid to even go get groceries in fear that she would fall. Her doctor told me she had 1 to 3 months to live.

I heard the words and knew they were coming but those words were so hard to hear. Then I thought about how she had a stroke, a mini stroke, a heart attack, a kidney infection that made her hallucinate and had to have her gallbladder removed in just a year and a half's worth of time. She was one tough cookie. She had 12 inches of her colon removed in 2006 after she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had a stroke that year too. She had tuberculosis as a child. She also almost died when her appendix ruptured. She was so sick and in a coma with that one. It was before my mom was even born.

When I saw her in the rehab my heart just broke. She had been in so many following all of her health issues. This one though was so dark and depressing. When I saw her on the 23rd, she told me how hard it was for her there. I always tried to be a good advocate for her. I talked to her doctor to see if we could get her out of there before Christmas. He agreed but only if she went on hospice. She was so happy to get out of there that hospice sounded just fine to her.

Her wonderful doctor made arrangements to get her out of there the next day which was Christmas Eve. I felt like I sprung her from jail. She was so happy.

We were able to eat Christmas dinner together at her assisted living place. She was in amazing spirits and her pain tolerance is incredible. I wish I had inherited that from her. She was all decked out in her Christmas sweater and all smiles. I am so glad I have that as one of my last memories of her.

She asked me if hospice meant she was dying. I didn't want to lie to her but at the same time there was no point in my opinion of telling her she had 1 to 3 months to live. So I told her no one knew when she would die but God. That this was just a little extra help she needed.

At the time though I didn't realize how much I needed the help! I am so grateful for her hospice nurse Juls who was there for me. I am grateful that at the end I insisted that they admit her to hospice even just to keep her comfortable. She had gotten so dehydrated. I still talk occasionally to the grief counselor there. She has helped me a lot.

I know this is her first year truly home for Christmas. She is there with all of her loved ones. I just miss her here on earth sometimes. Hopefully by next year my heart will feel a little less heavy and I won't hurt as much as I do. At least I still have hope.

Just for today I choose joy, even if I have to create my own!

Light

These past few weeks have been crazy. I don't think I realized before how much fear I have inside of me. I got really sick last week and because of the low cortisol it could have been really dangerous. I finally decided to go to the ER. This time though I drove all the way out to St. Joe's since they are connected to Barrow out there. I had gotten tired of other ERs treating me like garbage.

When I got there I was running a fever. I also had every sign of menengitis. I hate needles. Needles hate me too because my veins are pretty hard to get. As the doctor evaluates me he decides I need a spinal tap. What!?! You want to stick a needle in my back. I didn't like that idea for obvious reasons. It was in the middle of the night, I was in the middle of Phoenix and I felt completely alone.

Feeling alone is honestly the worse feeling I experience. It's hard not having a family. I am super grateful for my Minnesota family and the blessing they have been to me but obviously they live way too far away to be able to actually be at the hospital. I also love my cousin but Sparks, Nevada is too far away too.

So I did what I always do. I prayed. I was grateful at this hospital that they at least took the fact that I struggle with anxiety into account. They gave me something to calm me down and did a good job managing my pain. The first lumbar puncture didn't work. I really couldn't believe it. I was so worried about having it done once and now I had to have it done twice.

It took awhile for them to get a specialist to do it so I had more time to wait and pray. I prayed I would feel my family on the other side of the veil around me. This may sound like an odd request but I have lately been reminded about how much of a part they still have in our lives. Those eternal roles never fade. I did feel them with me. The doctors also discovered the reason they couldn't get a sample, I have scoliosis. This is on top of having three herniated discs in my lower back. No wonder I have been in so much pain.

Sadly I had to cancel the MRI I was suppose to have that day because, although I didn't have menengitis I sure had something that was causing awful symptoms and a fever. Now I have to wait until the 27th to get in to get the MRI of just the pituitary gland with contrast. I know everything happens for a reason though and I am trying to be patient.

This has definitely been a challenging time in life for me. Christmas coming up doesn't make it any easier. Of course the main reason for Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ (even though He wasn't born in December) but family is a close second. My heart has longed for family ever since I was a child. I chose to major in Human and Family Development because besides my Savior I love children and families the most. I believe in the importance of families. I just wish I had someone here to depend on.

It's definitely a different season in my life. I don't really feel at home where I live. It doesn't help that they have been doing home improvements for the past two very long months. I already have migraines daily from the two tumors and putting up with this has been ridiculous. I didn't sleep much last night because they were pounding away at 2 in the morning and their house is 10 feet at the most away from mine. I guess the Lord really is trying to teach me patience. I have tried talking to them about it but to no avail.

I also decided to set new goals and get a head start on 2014 which WILL be a better year than 2013. This past year the word I chose to focus on was joy. This year the word is light. I want to do more things that invite more light into my life. Thinking about that very thing I decided that I would start December 1st, my goal to not eat or drink refined sugar. I am focusing on more covert sugars like candy, pop, cookies, brownies, really anything that sounds oh so yummy to me right now. I am 11 days into it so far and I have done really well. I haven't slipped up even once. I did it for a year with chocolate and now I am praying I can do it for a year with sugar.

I also set a goal to read  all of the scriptures in a year's time. I have time right now to do that and I don't want to waste the time I have. Even though if I am 100% honest I wouldn't mind fast forwarding through this time in my life. I love the scriptures and I know they will give me more strength with whatever I face.

I am learning to let go of fear. I am learning to trust in the Lord more fully. I am learning that the law of heaven is abundance and not scarcity. I am learning that He truly will provide for me in seen and unseen ways. It's still a bit hard since I can't work right now. Half the time I am too sick to even get out of bed. But I know this is temporary and I pray that I can learn the things I need to and move on to better things. Anxiety and fear is definitely generational in my family. My grandma struggled with anxiety horribly although she never had panic attacks like I do or the nightmares. My mom struggled with it too and it invoked a lot of fear in me. I hope and pray I have children and when I do I don't want them growing up in fear. It has held me back from so much!

So 2014 will hopefully be a year where I can let go of even more fear. So many people say I am doing a great job handling this trial. I sure don't feel like it sometimes. I am very grateful for answers though as to why I have felt so awful and so exhausted for such a long period of time. This is definitely a season of answers.

I am focusing a lot on eating healthier. My body, mind and spirit need better fuel. I haven't always been kind to my body. Now I am forced to take care of myself. It's hard for me when I am so use to putting everyone else's needs above my own. It's just so natural to me. But only I can take care of my body. I want to be a wise steward over it. If I keep up the things I am doing I am confident that next year at this time and probably actually a lot sooner I will be at my ideal weight and it will be a lifestyle change that I can keep up. I will be releasing a lot of issues along with the weight.

Although I never would have chosen this time and season in my life I can decide what attitude I have and how I am going to face it. I can live in faith or live in fear. I have spent my whole life living in fear. It's time to choose something else. I choose faith! Just for today I choose joy by facing life with light and faith!

The Blizzards of our Lives

I was thinking about this time in my life and trying to find a good comparison with it. I was taken back many Thanksgivings ago to a small town in Utah. My friend and I had driven down from Utah to Arizona. That trip was great. The weather was beautiful, I wasn't driving alone, we had a great road trip. I had a wonderful visit with friends and my grandma in Arizona and we were headed back to Utah. This time he decided to take a truck back and also took a friend back too.  I was worried when there was snow in St. George. This Arizona girl does not know how to drive in snow. I had driven in a little bit of snow locally in Provo but certainly never in a storm.

Off we were on the way home. I was driving my 2000 Dodge Intrepid, he was in an old truck. He assured me that he would stay ahead of me and I could follow. That was great until the blizzard hit. When I mean blizzard I mean absolute white out. There were many cars on the side of the road. I was terrified to say the least. As I was praying it became abundantly clear to me, we would not be making it home that night. 

Somehow I had gotten in front of him and had made the decision to turn off on the I-70. To make it worse he could text but could not call. I could call but could not text. I had to call one of my friends and tell him what to text. Then he would have to call me and read the texts. I am so grateful for the calmness of my friend doing this. I told him I was going to likely die in the storm. He assured me I wasn't. Still I was scared. I had a prayer in my heart the entire time.

When I got off the off ramp there were even more cars on the side of the road. I wanted to stop and help but I was afraid if I did my car would slide off too. I thought about stopping and waiting for my friend but that didn't feel right either. So I drove and came to Richfield, Utah. I ended up getting the last room in one of the last hotels. I was then concerned about my friends.

His truck had slid and got luckily he hit a delineator pole that kept him from going any further. Some great people stopped and picked them up. He and his friend did end up getting everything taken from the back of the truck but they had their lives. 

Today one of my friends emailed me and said he was in the middle of the storm and I sent a message back that said the Lord is with Him even through the blizzards of life. Then he sent me a message back that said the blizzards of life are worth it when you know you are going home.

That message hit me and made me reevaluate my life. Had I lost sense of where I am really going? Had I forgotten that this earth is not my home? That there are trials me must pass through to get to the other side? I think I did. Luckily I have amazing people in my life to help me when I get a little (or sometimes a lot) off track. We all have those moments where our eternal vision may get cataracts. 

I know our Heavenly Father and Savior are there through those blizzards in our lives. Through the times that we are panicky, feel overwhelmed and full of fear. Those times in life where we are holding on to the steering wheel so tightly praying we don't crash. He is there in the storm and through the storm.

The storms will pass. Winter will eventually turn into spring. But it is essential for our growth that we go through the seasons in life. We can't fast forward a season we don't like. We can learn to be patient and appreciate the blessings we do have in our lives. Every season has something beautiful. 

I remember driving in snow after that. After that experience I was not nearly as terrified. I would never wish to go through another blizzard again like that. Yet I know if I do physically again the Lord will still be with me. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the eternal perspective and what really lays ahead.

On Those Many Sleepless Night

Tonight hasn't been the first time I have lost sleep. This week has been pretty crazy. My landlords are remodeling their house and it sounds like they are building Noah's ark. I had a migraine all day and now I am wired for some reason. But I am really trying to find purpose in all of these sleepless nights.

This season in my life has been pretty crazy. I am so grateful that the doctor found the tumors. There are actually 2 on my pituitary gland. Honestly they may have told me multiple tumors when they told me the results but I kind of zoned out after neurosurgeon. I am so blessed that they are tiny.

Throughout this time I have been crying out to the Lord beginning Him just to heal it and take it all away. I know He has the power to do so and have seen it so many times in my life. This time He told me that He won't rob me of the learning experience. I have told Him many times that I just want the "old me back". No, God is never satisfied with that. Like I always say He tends to upgrade. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I wish I understood all of the whys in life but if I did I would never trust fully. Trust is not my strong suit but I am learning. Truly the Lord never fails. 

As a quick word of advice learn patience before God teaches it to you. Life is much more blissful that way. But somehow I know, in each of our lives, the Lord has a way of refining and tutoring us in ways we couldn't imagine. I've spent years treading water when He wanted me to float. I spent years trying to solve my problems without fully involving Him. There has never been a time that I can remember when I stopped praying. I have my whole life. However, there are times when I have walked through darkness and my spirit longs for the light. He is there. He always has been. Through the good and the bad. But when I take time to slow down and listen I can discern more what He would have me learn. I am hoping I learn quicker. The irony that I am learning patience and yet I wish I could learn it faster is pretty hilarious. Just for today I choose joy through trusting Him through these sleepless nights

and even longer accompanying days. I trust His plan. I will let it unfold in His timing. In His way.

Of course I will be as proactive as I can be but that will only get me so far. I love the scripture that talks about doing all that we can and then standing still and trusting in the Lord. That's all I can do. That's all ANY of us can do. I can't control anything but my attitude. I can choose to be happy or choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy. Just for today I choose to find joy through the good and through the bad. I choose to be grateful even through these long nights.