Life has a way of surprising you sometimes no matter how well laid out your plans are. This happened to me this week. My birthday was on the 18th. I was excited to start this year out strong. I had set these goals and more and I was ready.
Well the night before I started feeling kind of sick. No big deal, I thought, after all I do have endometriosis and sometimes I get super nauseated and am in pain. I tried to sleep but to no avail. The next morning after no sleep I felt even worse. Then I started projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I was very sick. I get nauseated often and I vomit. For those who don't know what endo is: 1) It is NOT contagious so you don't need to worry about getting it from me. 2) It is partly caused by a hormonal imbalance which can make you nauseated at times between the odd hormones and the pain. 3) It is tissue that attaches itself to random places in your body. 4) It is extremely painful. There is much more but from that list you can see why I thought it was most likely endo.
So I have already broken some of those goals. Luckily I am feeling better today just exhausted. I am on anti nausea meds which are helpful. Thank God for zofran and phenergan. But now it is time for me to pick myself up again and keep moving forward.
I am learning a lot about progression. I am a huge perfectionist. I don't ever demand it from anyone else but I do for myself. It's silly because perfection is simply not attainable in this life. Often with perfectionism comes and all or nothing mentality. Either I have to do it perfectly all of the time or not do it at all. I am JUST beginning to see that and overcome that. Whatever you struggle with, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. It's part of life. But the real test is how you handle those mistakes. Do you let them get you down for a long time and just give up on your goals? Or do you get up as quick as possible, dust yourself off and recommit to your goals and progress?
This is such an interesting season in my life. I can feel HUGE changes like I have never felt before. There are so many changes I am making in my life and many more to come. I realize every day that I have so much to be grateful for. It is so easy to see what is lacking right now in my life. I don't just mean materialistically. For me things are just things. Although I always feel secure when I have what I need. But it goes much deeper than that. I want to be a wife and mom. I want this more than anything. Right now I have to be content with what has been allotted to me and at times that is very hard. Some people tell me just to get over it but my guess is they have a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers and other family members. I am VERY grateful for my cousins who I love and adore. I am grateful for an aunt on my mom's side that I love. I am grateful for my aunt and uncle on my dad's side who are amazing to me and I feel blessed to have them in my life. It's just hard sometimes and that's okay. I don't know why people freak out when I am truthful about how I am feeling but this is my life.
I really really missed my grandma over my birthday. We always spent it together. When my mom was alive our tradition was always to celebrate our birthdays together. My mom's birthday was in July too. We would go to Red Lobster which was our family favorite. It still is one of my favorites but not quite as amazing as the Melting Pot. After my mom died my grandma and I still went to Red Lobster. It was our tradition. I am grateful that this year my best guy friend Derrick took me to Red Lobster for an early birthday celebration. I am so grateful for my friendship with him over the years. He is a great man. I also love his wife. I love his whole family and feel blessed. It was so thoughtful of him to take me there.
I am working really hard right now on living a truly authentic life. Not everyone is really on board with this choice. People are use to me just going along with how they feel or holding my own feelings inside but I have found that by doing so that destroys me. I have been a people pleaser from a VERY early age. With an alcoholic mom you learn to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay. Now I am realizing that everything is NOT okay. And, as weird as this sounds, I am realizing that even that is okay. If my friends can't accept me for me then they aren't true friends to begin with. As long as I am not hurting other people's feelings (which I am not, I am so mindful of that) then it is okay if my opinion or belief is different than theirs. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong.
There is a lot of healing to be done but I am doing it. I have truly learned that I CAN do hard things. I am doing hard things. I have done hard things my whole life. It isn't easy all of the time. In fact it rarely is but if I am to be who God intends me to be I have to trust Him and let Him lead me. Even if people don't agree with my choices. It doesn't matter. I am sure people didn't agree with Noah building an ark. I am sure most thought he was silly. I am sure few had confidence that David would kill Goliath. By all accounts this never should have happened. Goliath was much bigger than David. But Goliath was no match for David's faith. I am sure everyone thought Daniel would die when he was thrown into the lion's den but he didn't. God's plan for his life was much stronger than those who planned his demise.
I am in no way comparing myself to these amazing men. But I do believe that when we are doing what is right not everyone will agree. I remember when I made the choice to move to Utah. Hardly anyone was supportive. It definitely wasn't what I had planned for my life. All I was planning on doing was going to Women's Conference for those few days and visiting my dear friend Emily who is truly a sister to me. The interesting thing too was that it was a spur of the moment decision to even go to Women's conference. I had always wanted to go but the timing was always off because I was in school. But this year I decided to go.
As I was sitting through the first day of class I had a feeling I needed to move to Utah. Utah was the one place I told the Lord I would never live. Be really careful what you tell the Lord you will never do. That may very well be what is required of you! After the first day I came home and told Emily. Em has always been supportive and she told me to just keep praying about it. That is exactly what I did. I went the second day and the feeling got stronger. By the end of the week I found a room for rent for only $150 a month including utilities for the summer. Yes you read that right only $150! The former roommate had gotten married but still had her lease for summer so she paid half and I paid half. At this point I hadn't even met my roommates.
My friend of many years (I think we are almost at 20 now) lived right down the street from me. He and I had met in youth guides and also served our two week mission together. It was great having him so near. So I spent a little more time in Utah and then went back to Arizona. I was a bit nervous to tell my friends. I knew just about everyone would be a bit disappointed. There were so many different comments I got. I will just say that most of them were not exactly supportive of me moving to Utah. My grandma was probably the most vocal.
Again it was never my plan to move and certainly not then. So I came back to Arizona and saw my friends. I put what I needed to in storage and right before I moved I ran into a lot of opposition. One was literal. My friend was vaccuming and I went under the cord and ran straight into her coach. I needed 4 stitches right above my eye. (Oh and head wounds bleed like crazy) Her daughter was also in the hospital and since her daughter was like my niece I had to wait and make sure she made it out okay. Then I was finally ready to leave. My friend Jon (who was the one who I would be right around the corner from in Utah) decided to drive up with me. We had fun stopping along the way and picking flowers while cows stared at us. (I kid you not, I have the pictures, they are hilarious!) I was super sad to be leaving behind my friends and venturing into the completely unknown universe of Provo, Utah. Trust me when I say it has a culture all of it's own.
When I got there I couldn't have been blessed with better roommates. My roommate Catherine and I were especially close. Ashley and I also had fun with our phase 10 marathons! In addition to great roommates, there was a house of guys that lived kitty corner from us. We had SO much fun with them! The ward was great. At this point though I still had no clue WHY I was suppose to be there. I was having a blast with my friends that I felt I had known all of my life but the whys still lingered in my mind.
By August I was beginning to worry. I knew I had to find a job and fast. I had met an owner of a scrapbook company who was really interested in my scrapbook pages and the color schemes I used. She wanted me to submit cards I had made. There was only one problem. I didn't make cards at that point of my life. (Now it seems like that's all I make) I did my best and turned them in but wasn't sure if I would get the job or not. I think I spent more on buying supplies from this particular brand than what I ever would have gotten paid.
A week later my dear friend Julie was in town. I had known Julie for several years before that. We had done a lot of pro family work together especially for International Voice for Youth. I had served as the Arizona chapter president and she had served as the ASU chapter president. We had become very close during that time. She wanted me to meet her friend Patrice who had a non profit organization. To make a long story short she ended up hiring me to be the Director of Operations for the Family Caucus. It was a perfect fit because I was only one math class short of having my degree in Family and Human Development.
My first job for her was scanning in business cards. Then I got a call from her that she was in New York at the National Republican Convention and she wanted me to fly down there and spend a few days with her, David (who I would later be working with) and Julie was also down there. That was an amazing experience I will never forget! The rest of the time I mainly researched issues impacting the family and attended local conferences.
The next year I went to CEDAW at the UN. CEDAW stands for the Convention to Eliminate Discrimination Against Women. Boy were my eyes opened at the UN. I saw some miracles happen. I also saw the scripture, "wo unto them who call light darkness and darkness light." come alive. It was also the epitome of secret combinations. I had the chance to talk to delegates about the importance of families and the sanctity of life. I sat through 5 1/2 hour meetings exhausted but it was amazing.
It was at that point I realized WHY I was in Utah. It wasn't all fun, in fact most of it was hard work. Yet this is work I am passionate about so it was worth it to me.
So what is my point sharing this incredibly long story? We will all have times in our lives when the Lord asks us to do something and we have no idea WHY. Others around us may mock us or openly disagree with what we are doing but if we know that God has asked it of us, nothing else should matter. The pieces won't always come together as easily as they did for me. This was one of those burning bush experiences in my life. I had the choice of whether or not I moved to Utah but I knew if I didn't it would extremely alter the course of my life.
This is a time and season in my life where I feel the same thing. Although I am not quite sure what will be required of me or when I am preparing myself to be ready emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other aspect. I can see how much those experiences prepared me for life now.
Those who know me know how imperfect I am. I constantly fall short of the mark. The beauty of God's grace is that He doesn't just make up the difference He is ALL the difference. On my own I know I can't accomplish what He asks of me but with Him by my side ALL things are possible.
Just like I felt right before my grandma died the verse in the Bible that says, "ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord.". It is true. Also just as the Spirit whispered during that tumultuous time, "Debbie what part of ALL don't you understand?" That is true too. There are no exemptions. No one has fallen too far away from His mercy and grace. We are the ones who keep ourselves from it.
If you happen to be reading this it is no accident. Our loving Father in Heaven has BIG plans in store for you too. Many times they will take you out of your comfort zone and stretch your growth. But always remember He loves you and knows what is best for you. He is there through the good and the bad.
Just for today I choose to remember the Lord keeps all of His promises. I choose to follow HIS plan for my life even when it's not nearly what I had planned. I choose to trust Him even when it's hard. I choose to believe healing is on the way. Just for today I choose to remember that I am His daughter and He loves me and will never abandon me. That brings me great JOY!
