Today I couldn't make it to church which really upset me. I had a cyst rupture again and I was super frustrated. I decided since I couldn't be at church I would pray that I would know what to listen to and that there would be a message for me. I ended up watching a sermon by Joel Osteen. I really like him although I don't think of him really as a pastor but kind of a motivational speaker. But today his message was really good.
Being the one who changes unhealthy patterns in your family of origin is hard. I won't sugar coat that. Part of the reason I decided to major in Family and Human Development was to better understand my own family issues. I definitely learned a lot. I am also grateful that my grandma in her later years was a lot more open. I believe secrets are toxic in families. They breed shame, anger and just tension of holding everything inside.
In my family there is 5 generations of pedophiles and sex abuse victims, many generations of domestic violence and a whole lot of unhealthy communication. At times these patterns seem pretty overwhelming as I try to heal these patterns.
Today as I was listening to his message, 2 things really stuck out. First, my Heavenly Father is SO aware of my needs. The song, "How Great Thou Art" was sung at my mom's funeral, my grandma's funeral and I even sung it at my friend's baptism ironically a few days before my grandma died. That song ALWAYS reminds me that God is aware of me and my needs. Music hits me really hard. It tends to stay with me for a very long time.
The second thing I learned is that when you change a pattern in your family you don't only get the blessings you would in your own life but you also get the blessings that were never redeem in their lives. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I have to say that I don't hold the past against anyone in my family. I truly believe they did their best. I finally learned they can do their best AND it can be inadequate and that's okay to say. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything is perfect.
Then I was watching something else and someone talked about how past sins can't destroy the mission we have in our lives. I REALLY struggled with that. I have definitely made choices I am not proud of. I have, at times, fallen. But every time I fall I get back up again. I am sad about the opportunities I may have missed to serve others and bring them closer to Christ. But I am so grateful for the grace of God that makes ALL things possible. Our God IS a God of redemption. He is a God of grace. He IS a God of mercy. We can rest in His grace. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the grace of God and knowing I have NEVER fallen too far from His grace. Nor have you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fall from His grace.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Music is on my mind right now and change so I thought I would combine the two
As I go through various stages of life certain songs will just really resonate with me. Right now is one of those times. This first video really describes how I feel right now. It's called "Worn" by 10th Avenue North. Sometimes we just have to be reminded of this. If you are having a hard day or just need to be reminded of redemption this song is wonderful for that and for healing..."All that's dead inside will be reborn...though I'm worn"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
It's those little things that remind us that we are healing
Healing is hard. I never thought it would be as intense as it is. Maybe that is why, for so long, I put it off. Oh I had gone to counseling, read literally hundreds of self help books and of course scriptures (which I don't regret) but I didn't want to go as deep as I needed to.
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I am grateful
I just moved. Again. I had forgotten how both frustrating and cleansing it is to move. I took care of my grandma in her home for six years. Before that though I had moved a lot. I am grateful for the experiences I have had with different roommates. I have learned how to handle different personalities. Most I am still close to even this day.
I have thought a lot lately about what I really value as things and people around me change. One of the things I most value is peace. I am grateful for peace in my life. I am learning to meditate more. I am learning what brings peace to my soul and how each day it can be different. Some days it can be listening to music I like, others it can be writing or talking to a close friend who feels like family.
I am thinking about how I was feeling just a week ago. So unsure and uneasy over yet another move. It was time. Truth be told it was probably past time. There wasn't peace in my life during that time (although I did deal with a lot of huge things like my grandma dying). I had no idea where I was going to move.
So now here I am in my 10 foot by 11 foot casita. I take a shower and do laundry in the main house. I am living not by myself but with myself for the first time in quite awhile. I see the wisdom in it. I tend to absorb everyone's energy around me. I hurt when others hurt and take on way more than I really should. I am learning to turn it over to God. I am learning to trust Him completely. Is it easy? Not always. But compared to the alternative I will take it.
For all that has happened in my life I feel blessed. I am grateful to have AMAZING people in my life. People who are there for all the right reasons. I am grateful to have reconnected with my dad's side of the family which to me has been both miraculous and a blessing. I am grateful to have a safe place to live, a car, a bed, food to eat, love and light in my life. I am grateful for the Light of the World that illuminates all I do. I am grateful that when I make mistakes, which if you know me is often, He extends grace and each time I try to be a little better and become a little stronger. I am grateful to live in a country where I am not jailed for my beliefs. I am grateful to have modern technology. I am grateful that even in uncertain times, I can find stability through our Savior. That He reaches in and rescues me every time.
There is so much I am grateful for. I could go on forever. So often we focus on what is going wrong in our lives but how often do we focus on what is going right? There is so much to feel blessed about. And even as much as I miss my grandma I have learned to be grateful she is where she is. It would be selfish for me to want her here when her body just couldn't take it any more. I am grateful I don't have to worry about her falling anymore which I worried about a lot. Or worry about her having another stroke or a heart attack. And with this it also gives me freedom to move wherever I want to. I have a feeling it will be Utah but you never know. I made my peace with Utah in 2004 when i felt like I needed to move there. I had no idea the blessings and adventures that awaited me.
So even though I am not certain yet for all of my plans for the future. Even though things aren't quite ideal (really when are they ever?) I can learn to find joy in knowing there is a plan. In knowing there are so many adventures awaiting me. I can find joy in seeing the people the Lord has brought into my life and even taken out of my life. I can have a complete and utter reliance on Him. Knowing that it's okay not to know. This is HUGE for me since I struggle with anxiety and have pretty much my whole life.
So my challenge to anyone reading this (which likely is no one) is to embrace joy. To be okay with change. To know that you can still find peace in the midst of adversity and crazy things in your life. I am learning righ along with you. Keep me updated on your success! Just for today I choose joy!
I have thought a lot lately about what I really value as things and people around me change. One of the things I most value is peace. I am grateful for peace in my life. I am learning to meditate more. I am learning what brings peace to my soul and how each day it can be different. Some days it can be listening to music I like, others it can be writing or talking to a close friend who feels like family.
I am thinking about how I was feeling just a week ago. So unsure and uneasy over yet another move. It was time. Truth be told it was probably past time. There wasn't peace in my life during that time (although I did deal with a lot of huge things like my grandma dying). I had no idea where I was going to move.
So now here I am in my 10 foot by 11 foot casita. I take a shower and do laundry in the main house. I am living not by myself but with myself for the first time in quite awhile. I see the wisdom in it. I tend to absorb everyone's energy around me. I hurt when others hurt and take on way more than I really should. I am learning to turn it over to God. I am learning to trust Him completely. Is it easy? Not always. But compared to the alternative I will take it.
For all that has happened in my life I feel blessed. I am grateful to have AMAZING people in my life. People who are there for all the right reasons. I am grateful to have reconnected with my dad's side of the family which to me has been both miraculous and a blessing. I am grateful to have a safe place to live, a car, a bed, food to eat, love and light in my life. I am grateful for the Light of the World that illuminates all I do. I am grateful that when I make mistakes, which if you know me is often, He extends grace and each time I try to be a little better and become a little stronger. I am grateful to live in a country where I am not jailed for my beliefs. I am grateful to have modern technology. I am grateful that even in uncertain times, I can find stability through our Savior. That He reaches in and rescues me every time.
There is so much I am grateful for. I could go on forever. So often we focus on what is going wrong in our lives but how often do we focus on what is going right? There is so much to feel blessed about. And even as much as I miss my grandma I have learned to be grateful she is where she is. It would be selfish for me to want her here when her body just couldn't take it any more. I am grateful I don't have to worry about her falling anymore which I worried about a lot. Or worry about her having another stroke or a heart attack. And with this it also gives me freedom to move wherever I want to. I have a feeling it will be Utah but you never know. I made my peace with Utah in 2004 when i felt like I needed to move there. I had no idea the blessings and adventures that awaited me.
So even though I am not certain yet for all of my plans for the future. Even though things aren't quite ideal (really when are they ever?) I can learn to find joy in knowing there is a plan. In knowing there are so many adventures awaiting me. I can find joy in seeing the people the Lord has brought into my life and even taken out of my life. I can have a complete and utter reliance on Him. Knowing that it's okay not to know. This is HUGE for me since I struggle with anxiety and have pretty much my whole life.
So my challenge to anyone reading this (which likely is no one) is to embrace joy. To be okay with change. To know that you can still find peace in the midst of adversity and crazy things in your life. I am learning righ along with you. Keep me updated on your success! Just for today I choose joy!
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