Today I couldn't make it to church which really upset me. I had a cyst rupture again and I was super frustrated. I decided since I couldn't be at church I would pray that I would know what to listen to and that there would be a message for me. I ended up watching a sermon by Joel Osteen. I really like him although I don't think of him really as a pastor but kind of a motivational speaker. But today his message was really good.
Being the one who changes unhealthy patterns in your family of origin is hard. I won't sugar coat that. Part of the reason I decided to major in Family and Human Development was to better understand my own family issues. I definitely learned a lot. I am also grateful that my grandma in her later years was a lot more open. I believe secrets are toxic in families. They breed shame, anger and just tension of holding everything inside.
In my family there is 5 generations of pedophiles and sex abuse victims, many generations of domestic violence and a whole lot of unhealthy communication. At times these patterns seem pretty overwhelming as I try to heal these patterns.
Today as I was listening to his message, 2 things really stuck out. First, my Heavenly Father is SO aware of my needs. The song, "How Great Thou Art" was sung at my mom's funeral, my grandma's funeral and I even sung it at my friend's baptism ironically a few days before my grandma died. That song ALWAYS reminds me that God is aware of me and my needs. Music hits me really hard. It tends to stay with me for a very long time.
The second thing I learned is that when you change a pattern in your family you don't only get the blessings you would in your own life but you also get the blessings that were never redeem in their lives. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I have to say that I don't hold the past against anyone in my family. I truly believe they did their best. I finally learned they can do their best AND it can be inadequate and that's okay to say. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything is perfect.
Then I was watching something else and someone talked about how past sins can't destroy the mission we have in our lives. I REALLY struggled with that. I have definitely made choices I am not proud of. I have, at times, fallen. But every time I fall I get back up again. I am sad about the opportunities I may have missed to serve others and bring them closer to Christ. But I am so grateful for the grace of God that makes ALL things possible. Our God IS a God of redemption. He is a God of grace. He IS a God of mercy. We can rest in His grace. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the grace of God and knowing I have NEVER fallen too far from His grace. Nor have you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fall from His grace.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Music is on my mind right now and change so I thought I would combine the two
As I go through various stages of life certain songs will just really resonate with me. Right now is one of those times. This first video really describes how I feel right now. It's called "Worn" by 10th Avenue North. Sometimes we just have to be reminded of this. If you are having a hard day or just need to be reminded of redemption this song is wonderful for that and for healing..."All that's dead inside will be reborn...though I'm worn"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
It's those little things that remind us that we are healing
Healing is hard. I never thought it would be as intense as it is. Maybe that is why, for so long, I put it off. Oh I had gone to counseling, read literally hundreds of self help books and of course scriptures (which I don't regret) but I didn't want to go as deep as I needed to.
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I am grateful
I just moved. Again. I had forgotten how both frustrating and cleansing it is to move. I took care of my grandma in her home for six years. Before that though I had moved a lot. I am grateful for the experiences I have had with different roommates. I have learned how to handle different personalities. Most I am still close to even this day.
I have thought a lot lately about what I really value as things and people around me change. One of the things I most value is peace. I am grateful for peace in my life. I am learning to meditate more. I am learning what brings peace to my soul and how each day it can be different. Some days it can be listening to music I like, others it can be writing or talking to a close friend who feels like family.
I am thinking about how I was feeling just a week ago. So unsure and uneasy over yet another move. It was time. Truth be told it was probably past time. There wasn't peace in my life during that time (although I did deal with a lot of huge things like my grandma dying). I had no idea where I was going to move.
So now here I am in my 10 foot by 11 foot casita. I take a shower and do laundry in the main house. I am living not by myself but with myself for the first time in quite awhile. I see the wisdom in it. I tend to absorb everyone's energy around me. I hurt when others hurt and take on way more than I really should. I am learning to turn it over to God. I am learning to trust Him completely. Is it easy? Not always. But compared to the alternative I will take it.
For all that has happened in my life I feel blessed. I am grateful to have AMAZING people in my life. People who are there for all the right reasons. I am grateful to have reconnected with my dad's side of the family which to me has been both miraculous and a blessing. I am grateful to have a safe place to live, a car, a bed, food to eat, love and light in my life. I am grateful for the Light of the World that illuminates all I do. I am grateful that when I make mistakes, which if you know me is often, He extends grace and each time I try to be a little better and become a little stronger. I am grateful to live in a country where I am not jailed for my beliefs. I am grateful to have modern technology. I am grateful that even in uncertain times, I can find stability through our Savior. That He reaches in and rescues me every time.
There is so much I am grateful for. I could go on forever. So often we focus on what is going wrong in our lives but how often do we focus on what is going right? There is so much to feel blessed about. And even as much as I miss my grandma I have learned to be grateful she is where she is. It would be selfish for me to want her here when her body just couldn't take it any more. I am grateful I don't have to worry about her falling anymore which I worried about a lot. Or worry about her having another stroke or a heart attack. And with this it also gives me freedom to move wherever I want to. I have a feeling it will be Utah but you never know. I made my peace with Utah in 2004 when i felt like I needed to move there. I had no idea the blessings and adventures that awaited me.
So even though I am not certain yet for all of my plans for the future. Even though things aren't quite ideal (really when are they ever?) I can learn to find joy in knowing there is a plan. In knowing there are so many adventures awaiting me. I can find joy in seeing the people the Lord has brought into my life and even taken out of my life. I can have a complete and utter reliance on Him. Knowing that it's okay not to know. This is HUGE for me since I struggle with anxiety and have pretty much my whole life.
So my challenge to anyone reading this (which likely is no one) is to embrace joy. To be okay with change. To know that you can still find peace in the midst of adversity and crazy things in your life. I am learning righ along with you. Keep me updated on your success! Just for today I choose joy!
I have thought a lot lately about what I really value as things and people around me change. One of the things I most value is peace. I am grateful for peace in my life. I am learning to meditate more. I am learning what brings peace to my soul and how each day it can be different. Some days it can be listening to music I like, others it can be writing or talking to a close friend who feels like family.
I am thinking about how I was feeling just a week ago. So unsure and uneasy over yet another move. It was time. Truth be told it was probably past time. There wasn't peace in my life during that time (although I did deal with a lot of huge things like my grandma dying). I had no idea where I was going to move.
So now here I am in my 10 foot by 11 foot casita. I take a shower and do laundry in the main house. I am living not by myself but with myself for the first time in quite awhile. I see the wisdom in it. I tend to absorb everyone's energy around me. I hurt when others hurt and take on way more than I really should. I am learning to turn it over to God. I am learning to trust Him completely. Is it easy? Not always. But compared to the alternative I will take it.
For all that has happened in my life I feel blessed. I am grateful to have AMAZING people in my life. People who are there for all the right reasons. I am grateful to have reconnected with my dad's side of the family which to me has been both miraculous and a blessing. I am grateful to have a safe place to live, a car, a bed, food to eat, love and light in my life. I am grateful for the Light of the World that illuminates all I do. I am grateful that when I make mistakes, which if you know me is often, He extends grace and each time I try to be a little better and become a little stronger. I am grateful to live in a country where I am not jailed for my beliefs. I am grateful to have modern technology. I am grateful that even in uncertain times, I can find stability through our Savior. That He reaches in and rescues me every time.
There is so much I am grateful for. I could go on forever. So often we focus on what is going wrong in our lives but how often do we focus on what is going right? There is so much to feel blessed about. And even as much as I miss my grandma I have learned to be grateful she is where she is. It would be selfish for me to want her here when her body just couldn't take it any more. I am grateful I don't have to worry about her falling anymore which I worried about a lot. Or worry about her having another stroke or a heart attack. And with this it also gives me freedom to move wherever I want to. I have a feeling it will be Utah but you never know. I made my peace with Utah in 2004 when i felt like I needed to move there. I had no idea the blessings and adventures that awaited me.
So even though I am not certain yet for all of my plans for the future. Even though things aren't quite ideal (really when are they ever?) I can learn to find joy in knowing there is a plan. In knowing there are so many adventures awaiting me. I can find joy in seeing the people the Lord has brought into my life and even taken out of my life. I can have a complete and utter reliance on Him. Knowing that it's okay not to know. This is HUGE for me since I struggle with anxiety and have pretty much my whole life.
So my challenge to anyone reading this (which likely is no one) is to embrace joy. To be okay with change. To know that you can still find peace in the midst of adversity and crazy things in your life. I am learning righ along with you. Keep me updated on your success! Just for today I choose joy!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
I am grateful for grace
I finally, finally got up enough courage to go pick up my grandma's remains. This had been weighing on my mind but a part of me could deny that she wasn't really gone if I didn't have her ashes. I felt like it was time for a little bit of closure.
I am having a hard time dealing with such deep emotions. I feel like losing my grandma has given me strength to finally break free from anyone's expectations. I don't know where this path with lead me. But I know I am walking in light. I am so blessed to have friends who are genuinely good people. Some who have been in my life over 20 years, actually the majority have been in my life at least 14 years or so. And others I am just meeting right now.
I couldn't sleep again last night so I read several blogs. I have such a yearning right now for change. Yet change is scary all at the same time. I read something tonight about being hungry emotionally for the best things and that is how I feel right now.
I am truly grateful for all of the blessings I have. I say that a lot but what does that really mean for me?
1. I am grateful most of all for my Savior, Jesus Christ. For His perfect love and all encompassing grace.
2. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who knows me. He made me. He made me in His image which is perfect. Therefore I AM good enough. Even when my soul tries to say I am not good enough. I am good simply because I am HIS.
3. I am grateful that I can learn to rely on this grace more. That I can literally lean into Him and He will strengthen me. I have seen this time and time again in my life. How grateful I am for His grace.
4. I am grateful for the grace of others. That love me in my not so stellar moments. Like my cousin who is more like a brother to me and his sweet wife who is like my sister. That they can extend grace to me at a time when I was not gracious or kind. That they can look past the moment and see an eternal perspective. All of my friends have at one point or another shown me grace.
5. I am grateful for the chance I have to learn to show more grace. Especially with my own family. Isn't that sometimes where it is the hardest? That I can see that these bonds are eternal and look at others with more grace. That I can choose light over darkness that was chosen in the past. That I can help others heal and in freeing them free myself. That more light can come in as the darkness disappears. Really all we can do is help the next generation be better than the previous ones. By doing so we can send healing forward and backwards.
I am having a hard time dealing with such deep emotions. I feel like losing my grandma has given me strength to finally break free from anyone's expectations. I don't know where this path with lead me. But I know I am walking in light. I am so blessed to have friends who are genuinely good people. Some who have been in my life over 20 years, actually the majority have been in my life at least 14 years or so. And others I am just meeting right now.
I couldn't sleep again last night so I read several blogs. I have such a yearning right now for change. Yet change is scary all at the same time. I read something tonight about being hungry emotionally for the best things and that is how I feel right now.
I am truly grateful for all of the blessings I have. I say that a lot but what does that really mean for me?
1. I am grateful most of all for my Savior, Jesus Christ. For His perfect love and all encompassing grace.
2. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who knows me. He made me. He made me in His image which is perfect. Therefore I AM good enough. Even when my soul tries to say I am not good enough. I am good simply because I am HIS.
3. I am grateful that I can learn to rely on this grace more. That I can literally lean into Him and He will strengthen me. I have seen this time and time again in my life. How grateful I am for His grace.
4. I am grateful for the grace of others. That love me in my not so stellar moments. Like my cousin who is more like a brother to me and his sweet wife who is like my sister. That they can extend grace to me at a time when I was not gracious or kind. That they can look past the moment and see an eternal perspective. All of my friends have at one point or another shown me grace.
5. I am grateful for the chance I have to learn to show more grace. Especially with my own family. Isn't that sometimes where it is the hardest? That I can see that these bonds are eternal and look at others with more grace. That I can choose light over darkness that was chosen in the past. That I can help others heal and in freeing them free myself. That more light can come in as the darkness disappears. Really all we can do is help the next generation be better than the previous ones. By doing so we can send healing forward and backwards.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Post Valentine's Day
I was a little nervous about my first holiday without my grandma. Considering her last name is Valentine, Valentine's Day was a pretty big deal in our lives. It's been 2 weeks and a day since you left mortality. I am still waiting to turn that corner when the acute pain stops.
Whenever I am upset emotionally it seems like my body is hit hard too. I have had a hard time sleeping these past few days. I finally figured out last night that it is because I have the cold grandma had before she died. During the day I cough a little but it doesn't bother me. At night time though my lungs sound crackly and my stomach gets really sick. But there is a line in a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story that says "If a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near." I have had a thousand sleepless nights in my life but they have drawn me closer to my Father.
What am I learning right now and what will I continue to learn in this process? Some of it still has yet to unfold but so far these are things I feel that I will learn or relearn on a deeper level.
1. That my worth as a daughter of God is good enough. That His love for me and my worth isn't based on my actions. That I am a human BEING not a human doing. That I please the Lord when I am obedient to His commandments because He wants and longs for my happiness. That He knows keeping the commandments will protect me and bring me greater joy. But my worth isn't based on my actions.
2. That it is so important to live close to the Lord. We never know what trials will hit us or when they will. We must be in tune and ready at all times. By doing so we also are able to be a tool in the Lord's hands and have Him lead us to others to bless.
3. This one is maybe the hardest for me but it is okay to ask for help. I love service. I love giving. It is hard to be at a place in my life where I need service but it is humbling. It reminds me that if these people love me so much to serve that the Lord must love me infinitely more.
4. Deep gratitude for the atonement. Oh I have always been grateful for the atonement. Always. But to know He felt this pain so He could lift me up and strengthen me brings me indescribable joy. If it weren't for the atonement I could never see my grandma again and she wouldn't have been able to see the Savior and my mom.
5. That so much growth occurs on the other side. That just as we progress here we progress on the other side. That love is never wasted or lost. That we continue to grow and learn. And our family really is eternal.
6. I never knew I could simultaneously feel deep sorrow and deep joy. I feel deep sorry because I miss my sweet grandma. I love her deeper than I have ever loved anyone except the Savior. But I also feel joy. I feel joy for her because she is with her loved ones who had already passed. I felt so strongly one day as I was driving back to the hospice how much my mom was anticipating HER reunion with her mother. I hadn't thought about it until I had that feeling. And my sweet great grandma that I never knew but am told I am so much alike and her favorite sister Aunt Dorothy and so many others. She is especially excited to be reunited with the Savior. I wish she could come down and tell me now what she sees. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer lonely and not restricted by her aging body. So this is so bittersweet.
7. That my role as granddaughter is eternal. It was a hard realization when my mom died that I was all of a sudden an orphan of sorts since we don't know about my dad. But I still had my grandma. I still had that treasured role of granddaughter. It was heartbreaking to feel that I had lost the role of granddaughter especially since my paternal grandmother died in 2008. But I feel that now that my role as a daughter of God will never change. I will always be a daughter of God. That tangible role won't ever change. But I will be a daughter and granddaughter and hopefully by the grace of God one day a wife and mom. NOTHING would mean more to me than that. But for now I am content with what I have.
8. I have learned gratitude in the midst of the storm. For all of the pain this even has brought there have also been deep deep moments of sincere gratitude. I am getting back to keeping my gratitude journal. It's those every day small things that help lift me up. Maybe it is a song on a radio. A card just telling me someone cares. Anything small makes such a huge difference.
I am sure I will learn many more lessons. Lessons that I won't soon forget because they come at a high cost. But I don't walk alone. I walk with God. I walk with angels. I walk with a small handful of family&friends who have offered to walk with me so I am not alone. Even though I would do just about anything for this pain to end I am grateful for these blessings. I am also grateful right now for the LDS church's health code called the word of wisdom. I would be an alcoholic if I didn't live by this health code. Especially right now when the pain is so overwhelming. I would get drunk all of the time. Or do drugs or smoke or so who knows what else. But I am not. Although I do need to cut back on the unhealthy eating. This is really serious to me. The 18th is the LAST day of eating unhealthy. I can make these changes. And I am going to go on nightly walks. I am blessed to live in a safe area. where I can walk at night. I am determined to use this experience to find more peace. More wholeness. More love. Just for today I choose joy in this journey!
Whenever I am upset emotionally it seems like my body is hit hard too. I have had a hard time sleeping these past few days. I finally figured out last night that it is because I have the cold grandma had before she died. During the day I cough a little but it doesn't bother me. At night time though my lungs sound crackly and my stomach gets really sick. But there is a line in a song called "Blessings" by Laura Story that says "If a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near." I have had a thousand sleepless nights in my life but they have drawn me closer to my Father.
What am I learning right now and what will I continue to learn in this process? Some of it still has yet to unfold but so far these are things I feel that I will learn or relearn on a deeper level.
1. That my worth as a daughter of God is good enough. That His love for me and my worth isn't based on my actions. That I am a human BEING not a human doing. That I please the Lord when I am obedient to His commandments because He wants and longs for my happiness. That He knows keeping the commandments will protect me and bring me greater joy. But my worth isn't based on my actions.
2. That it is so important to live close to the Lord. We never know what trials will hit us or when they will. We must be in tune and ready at all times. By doing so we also are able to be a tool in the Lord's hands and have Him lead us to others to bless.
3. This one is maybe the hardest for me but it is okay to ask for help. I love service. I love giving. It is hard to be at a place in my life where I need service but it is humbling. It reminds me that if these people love me so much to serve that the Lord must love me infinitely more.
4. Deep gratitude for the atonement. Oh I have always been grateful for the atonement. Always. But to know He felt this pain so He could lift me up and strengthen me brings me indescribable joy. If it weren't for the atonement I could never see my grandma again and she wouldn't have been able to see the Savior and my mom.
5. That so much growth occurs on the other side. That just as we progress here we progress on the other side. That love is never wasted or lost. That we continue to grow and learn. And our family really is eternal.
6. I never knew I could simultaneously feel deep sorrow and deep joy. I feel deep sorry because I miss my sweet grandma. I love her deeper than I have ever loved anyone except the Savior. But I also feel joy. I feel joy for her because she is with her loved ones who had already passed. I felt so strongly one day as I was driving back to the hospice how much my mom was anticipating HER reunion with her mother. I hadn't thought about it until I had that feeling. And my sweet great grandma that I never knew but am told I am so much alike and her favorite sister Aunt Dorothy and so many others. She is especially excited to be reunited with the Savior. I wish she could come down and tell me now what she sees. I know she is happy. I know she is no longer lonely and not restricted by her aging body. So this is so bittersweet.
7. That my role as granddaughter is eternal. It was a hard realization when my mom died that I was all of a sudden an orphan of sorts since we don't know about my dad. But I still had my grandma. I still had that treasured role of granddaughter. It was heartbreaking to feel that I had lost the role of granddaughter especially since my paternal grandmother died in 2008. But I feel that now that my role as a daughter of God will never change. I will always be a daughter of God. That tangible role won't ever change. But I will be a daughter and granddaughter and hopefully by the grace of God one day a wife and mom. NOTHING would mean more to me than that. But for now I am content with what I have.
8. I have learned gratitude in the midst of the storm. For all of the pain this even has brought there have also been deep deep moments of sincere gratitude. I am getting back to keeping my gratitude journal. It's those every day small things that help lift me up. Maybe it is a song on a radio. A card just telling me someone cares. Anything small makes such a huge difference.
I am sure I will learn many more lessons. Lessons that I won't soon forget because they come at a high cost. But I don't walk alone. I walk with God. I walk with angels. I walk with a small handful of family&friends who have offered to walk with me so I am not alone. Even though I would do just about anything for this pain to end I am grateful for these blessings. I am also grateful right now for the LDS church's health code called the word of wisdom. I would be an alcoholic if I didn't live by this health code. Especially right now when the pain is so overwhelming. I would get drunk all of the time. Or do drugs or smoke or so who knows what else. But I am not. Although I do need to cut back on the unhealthy eating. This is really serious to me. The 18th is the LAST day of eating unhealthy. I can make these changes. And I am going to go on nightly walks. I am blessed to live in a safe area. where I can walk at night. I am determined to use this experience to find more peace. More wholeness. More love. Just for today I choose joy in this journey!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Losses Are Cumulative In Nature
I won't forget when I first heard that. Probably because it was about 2 weeks ago. I was with my grandma at Serenity in patient hospice. I was talking to the grief counselor. I had 2 counselors previously point out that I had dealt with a lot of losses in my life. I know it may sound odd but it's just not something I dwell on. Maybe it is because the atonement has come in and filled those cracks of losses in with His healing and Light. But I know there is so much more healing and light that needs to occur.
So really what are my losses? Some of them are obvious. The loss of my grandma's life being the most recent. I am grateful though that I haven't loss her spirit. If given the choice between losing her physically or spiritually I would choose physically in a heartbeat. So yes I loss my grandma on January 31st. I also loss my mom on June 27, 1999 but really I lost her far before then (sorry mom). There have been too many "family secrets" in my family. I refuse to cover up anything. Yes my mom's body died in 99 but her mind died far before them due to a disease called alcoholism.
I want to make it clear she really did try her best. She really did love me. It took me years to acknowledge that She did her best and my needs were not met. I thought it had to be one way or the other. Because of her alcoholism she was told when I was 5 that her brain cells were dying because she was drinking wine. So, instead, she started drinking hard liquor. Somehow she did manage to hold down a full time job though. That I will never understand. It is a good thing I grew up with health insurance. When I was 3 I almost died of a tropical parasite (they had even quarantined my whole family). Finally they discovered what it was at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was lucky to not have brain damage because of the high fevers I had. My mom eventually developed multiple personality disorder too. Once those were finally integrated she was bi polar. She didn't know how to discipline so sometimes she was physically and verbally abusive. She also had all kinds of hallucinations and would think that satan was trying to attack us and one time destroyed our beds because she was convinced something was in there. It was that day we got waterbeds. I did the grocery shopping at a very early age, I took care of myself and took care of my mom, in one word I was codependent. So I experienced the loss of a healthy childhood. I also experienced the loss of ever having an emotionally healthy mom and of course her physical death.
With my father we don't know if he is dead or alive. I last saw him when I was 13. I have probably only seen him a dozen or so times in my life. I lasted talked to him in 2006 and I was the last one to talk to him. He was in Las Vegas. We STILL don't know if he is alive or dead. He, too, was an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. It's a pretty darn good thing that I do not drink. I don't even touch it. the closest I come is to eating fondue. I just want some closure. My paternal grandma died in 2008 and we don't know if he even knows that or if he even died before her.
Without going into details I lost my innocence which was not my choice. I have also loss and been betrayed by friends that were like family to me. There is one family in particular. I am not going to use their name although anyone who really knows me would know who they are. I will call them the First family.
I met one of their daughters first and we became instant friends. Then I met the rest of the family. We all became friends. I was a convert to the LDS church at 16 and they were converts too. I spent holidays with them. I spent Family Home Evenings with them. I went on family vacations with them. As we all got older and they got married and had children I was the role I treasure the most in mortality "Aunt Debbie". I LOVE being an aunt and I still am to other children and I will ALWAYS be an aunt to these children too. If they EVER need or want me I will ALWAYS be there for them. I love them and pray for them.
I rushed to the hospital to meet each of them and hold their precious tiny bodies, I rocked and sang them to sleep, I babysat them, when they were sick I held them even if that meant them throwing up in my hair once, we played at Chuck E Cheese together, went to parks and just did so many fun things. I felt like I had a place in this world and that I had an outlet for my very nurturing spirit. Still to this day I don't know WHY they decided to cut me off. One of them hasn't. One is still my dear sister and always will be. I know I am far from perfect but there has never ever been a child I have ever been unkind to or even raised my voice to. I protect children just naturally. And them ending our friendship which was like family to me was SUCH a loss to me that it was more like a divorce. I am grateful that one has stood by my side yet it hurts that the others have turned their backs on me. I especially miss those sweet children who would fight for my lap to sit on. Children can sense unconditional love and they knew that I loved them. And I still do love them. So that was a huge loss.
I also have 2 broken engagements. It's hard when you think things are going to work out only for them not to. More than anything in the world I want MY family. I want it so badly I chose to major in Family and Human Development and I hope and pray one day I do get my family. My future husband will be cherished and appreciated and loved more than anything. I will honor the goodness in him.I will appreciate all of the good in him. I already have such a deep desire to serve and show him love every day. And of course I will be very affectionate with him. I chose to hope that one day I will find him or better yet he will find me. Or maybe my grandma now will nudge him my way. I want children more than anything too. It doesn't matter to me if they come from body all will come from my heart. Whether it's adopted children, biological children or step children. I will love them all the same. I choose to focus on that joy that I will have.
Yes I have experienced a lot of losses. Some have affected me in deeper ways than others. They have all brought pain. But they have also all increased the size of heart. They have all reminded that I still got to choose whether to let them make me bitter or better. I choose better. I choose gratitude. I choose to let these experiences to lead me to the Light rather than bring darkness in my life.
So this loss is big. And I am not going to lie when I say that it did freak me out a bit when the counselor said that losses are cumulative in their effect. But I know something that they don't know. I know the power of the atonement to make all things new. To make things even better than they were before. To not just repair but to restore completely. To take these broken, fragmented pieces of my heart and life and give me peace.
One of my all time favorite quotes talks about losses in our lives. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ Joseph B Wirthlin
So I choose to trust that my loving and kind Heavenly Father and Savior keep their promises. I trust that healing is also cumulative in nature. I trust that even the deepest pain can be healed through applying the atonement in our lives. I am grateful I have not just that belief. Beliefs are great but they don't carry you through the hardest and darkest nights. I am grateful to have this knowledge that He CAN heal me and He WILL heal me because He has promised to. And because He finds great JOY in my healing and in my JOY. Just as any parent feels happy inside when their child is happy so it is with our Heavenly Parents. They want our happiness and want to see all of our dreams come true. And along that path we may just find some surprises too.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned. The center of my heart besides my Savior is family. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. But I can still find joy and happiness even though that hasn't come to pass yet. I believe it will one day. So far he has taken me to many places, probably the oddest being the UN. He has brought people into my life that have amazed me. It seems like I meet people and feel instantly connected to them. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some of the choicest people in my life. I have learned so much from each of them. So for all of my losses I have had so many gains. And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. That there are many more blessings on their way. So just for today I choose faith.
So really what are my losses? Some of them are obvious. The loss of my grandma's life being the most recent. I am grateful though that I haven't loss her spirit. If given the choice between losing her physically or spiritually I would choose physically in a heartbeat. So yes I loss my grandma on January 31st. I also loss my mom on June 27, 1999 but really I lost her far before then (sorry mom). There have been too many "family secrets" in my family. I refuse to cover up anything. Yes my mom's body died in 99 but her mind died far before them due to a disease called alcoholism.
I want to make it clear she really did try her best. She really did love me. It took me years to acknowledge that She did her best and my needs were not met. I thought it had to be one way or the other. Because of her alcoholism she was told when I was 5 that her brain cells were dying because she was drinking wine. So, instead, she started drinking hard liquor. Somehow she did manage to hold down a full time job though. That I will never understand. It is a good thing I grew up with health insurance. When I was 3 I almost died of a tropical parasite (they had even quarantined my whole family). Finally they discovered what it was at Seattle Children's Hospital. I was lucky to not have brain damage because of the high fevers I had. My mom eventually developed multiple personality disorder too. Once those were finally integrated she was bi polar. She didn't know how to discipline so sometimes she was physically and verbally abusive. She also had all kinds of hallucinations and would think that satan was trying to attack us and one time destroyed our beds because she was convinced something was in there. It was that day we got waterbeds. I did the grocery shopping at a very early age, I took care of myself and took care of my mom, in one word I was codependent. So I experienced the loss of a healthy childhood. I also experienced the loss of ever having an emotionally healthy mom and of course her physical death.
With my father we don't know if he is dead or alive. I last saw him when I was 13. I have probably only seen him a dozen or so times in my life. I lasted talked to him in 2006 and I was the last one to talk to him. He was in Las Vegas. We STILL don't know if he is alive or dead. He, too, was an alcoholic. He chose alcohol over me. It's a pretty darn good thing that I do not drink. I don't even touch it. the closest I come is to eating fondue. I just want some closure. My paternal grandma died in 2008 and we don't know if he even knows that or if he even died before her.
Without going into details I lost my innocence which was not my choice. I have also loss and been betrayed by friends that were like family to me. There is one family in particular. I am not going to use their name although anyone who really knows me would know who they are. I will call them the First family.
I met one of their daughters first and we became instant friends. Then I met the rest of the family. We all became friends. I was a convert to the LDS church at 16 and they were converts too. I spent holidays with them. I spent Family Home Evenings with them. I went on family vacations with them. As we all got older and they got married and had children I was the role I treasure the most in mortality "Aunt Debbie". I LOVE being an aunt and I still am to other children and I will ALWAYS be an aunt to these children too. If they EVER need or want me I will ALWAYS be there for them. I love them and pray for them.
I rushed to the hospital to meet each of them and hold their precious tiny bodies, I rocked and sang them to sleep, I babysat them, when they were sick I held them even if that meant them throwing up in my hair once, we played at Chuck E Cheese together, went to parks and just did so many fun things. I felt like I had a place in this world and that I had an outlet for my very nurturing spirit. Still to this day I don't know WHY they decided to cut me off. One of them hasn't. One is still my dear sister and always will be. I know I am far from perfect but there has never ever been a child I have ever been unkind to or even raised my voice to. I protect children just naturally. And them ending our friendship which was like family to me was SUCH a loss to me that it was more like a divorce. I am grateful that one has stood by my side yet it hurts that the others have turned their backs on me. I especially miss those sweet children who would fight for my lap to sit on. Children can sense unconditional love and they knew that I loved them. And I still do love them. So that was a huge loss.
I also have 2 broken engagements. It's hard when you think things are going to work out only for them not to. More than anything in the world I want MY family. I want it so badly I chose to major in Family and Human Development and I hope and pray one day I do get my family. My future husband will be cherished and appreciated and loved more than anything. I will honor the goodness in him.I will appreciate all of the good in him. I already have such a deep desire to serve and show him love every day. And of course I will be very affectionate with him. I chose to hope that one day I will find him or better yet he will find me. Or maybe my grandma now will nudge him my way. I want children more than anything too. It doesn't matter to me if they come from body all will come from my heart. Whether it's adopted children, biological children or step children. I will love them all the same. I choose to focus on that joy that I will have.
Yes I have experienced a lot of losses. Some have affected me in deeper ways than others. They have all brought pain. But they have also all increased the size of heart. They have all reminded that I still got to choose whether to let them make me bitter or better. I choose better. I choose gratitude. I choose to let these experiences to lead me to the Light rather than bring darkness in my life.
So this loss is big. And I am not going to lie when I say that it did freak me out a bit when the counselor said that losses are cumulative in their effect. But I know something that they don't know. I know the power of the atonement to make all things new. To make things even better than they were before. To not just repair but to restore completely. To take these broken, fragmented pieces of my heart and life and give me peace.
One of my all time favorite quotes talks about losses in our lives. "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." ~ Joseph B Wirthlin
So I choose to trust that my loving and kind Heavenly Father and Savior keep their promises. I trust that healing is also cumulative in nature. I trust that even the deepest pain can be healed through applying the atonement in our lives. I am grateful I have not just that belief. Beliefs are great but they don't carry you through the hardest and darkest nights. I am grateful to have this knowledge that He CAN heal me and He WILL heal me because He has promised to. And because He finds great JOY in my healing and in my JOY. Just as any parent feels happy inside when their child is happy so it is with our Heavenly Parents. They want our happiness and want to see all of our dreams come true. And along that path we may just find some surprises too.
My life has certainly not turned out the way I would have planned. The center of my heart besides my Savior is family. I want to be married and have a family more than anything in the world. But I can still find joy and happiness even though that hasn't come to pass yet. I believe it will one day. So far he has taken me to many places, probably the oddest being the UN. He has brought people into my life that have amazed me. It seems like I meet people and feel instantly connected to them. I feel like the Lord has blessed me with some of the choicest people in my life. I have learned so much from each of them. So for all of my losses I have had so many gains. And I know that this is just the tip of the iceberg. That there are many more blessings on their way. So just for today I choose faith.
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