I am not even going to pretend today. I hurt. I hurt a lot. It wasn't fun being sick on my birthday that's for sure. But what hurt even more was people forgetting it. I always try to remember birthdays. I care about the people in my life. I want them to feel loved. This birthday so many people forgot. I wish I didn't care. I wish it didn't matter. But it does and I hurt.
It's not just emotionally that I hurt. I hurt physically too. That is not related though. At least I don't think so. I keep trying SO hard and pushing forward no matter what obstacle is placed before me. I have had friends that were like family turn their backs on me. I have lost my grandma this year. I have lost any source of stability besides my Savior and I hurt.
I debated even writing this. Why should I expose my vulnerabilities? Who really even cares anyway. But today I hurt. I am trying to find that peace and sometimes elusive joy. Maybe that is enough. Maybe it's enough to just keep trying. Maybe it's enough to pick myself up every time I fall. Maybe.
Just for today I choose to try. I choose to try when I want to quit. I choose to try when it seems pretty bleak and hopeless. I choose to try. Maybe deeper than that I choose to be. I choose to still be the daughter of God I was placed on earth to be. Even when I fail miserably. Yes I choose to be and I choose to try.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sometimes Our Plans Just Have To Be Adjusted
Life has a way of surprising you sometimes no matter how well laid out your plans are. This happened to me this week. My birthday was on the 18th. I was excited to start this year out strong. I had set these goals and more and I was ready.
Well the night before I started feeling kind of sick. No big deal, I thought, after all I do have endometriosis and sometimes I get super nauseated and am in pain. I tried to sleep but to no avail. The next morning after no sleep I felt even worse. Then I started projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I was very sick. I get nauseated often and I vomit. For those who don't know what endo is: 1) It is NOT contagious so you don't need to worry about getting it from me. 2) It is partly caused by a hormonal imbalance which can make you nauseated at times between the odd hormones and the pain. 3) It is tissue that attaches itself to random places in your body. 4) It is extremely painful. There is much more but from that list you can see why I thought it was most likely endo.
So I have already broken some of those goals. Luckily I am feeling better today just exhausted. I am on anti nausea meds which are helpful. Thank God for zofran and phenergan. But now it is time for me to pick myself up again and keep moving forward.
I am learning a lot about progression. I am a huge perfectionist. I don't ever demand it from anyone else but I do for myself. It's silly because perfection is simply not attainable in this life. Often with perfectionism comes and all or nothing mentality. Either I have to do it perfectly all of the time or not do it at all. I am JUST beginning to see that and overcome that. Whatever you struggle with, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. It's part of life. But the real test is how you handle those mistakes. Do you let them get you down for a long time and just give up on your goals? Or do you get up as quick as possible, dust yourself off and recommit to your goals and progress?
This is such an interesting season in my life. I can feel HUGE changes like I have never felt before. There are so many changes I am making in my life and many more to come. I realize every day that I have so much to be grateful for. It is so easy to see what is lacking right now in my life. I don't just mean materialistically. For me things are just things. Although I always feel secure when I have what I need. But it goes much deeper than that. I want to be a wife and mom. I want this more than anything. Right now I have to be content with what has been allotted to me and at times that is very hard. Some people tell me just to get over it but my guess is they have a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers and other family members. I am VERY grateful for my cousins who I love and adore. I am grateful for an aunt on my mom's side that I love. I am grateful for my aunt and uncle on my dad's side who are amazing to me and I feel blessed to have them in my life. It's just hard sometimes and that's okay. I don't know why people freak out when I am truthful about how I am feeling but this is my life.
I really really missed my grandma over my birthday. We always spent it together. When my mom was alive our tradition was always to celebrate our birthdays together. My mom's birthday was in July too. We would go to Red Lobster which was our family favorite. It still is one of my favorites but not quite as amazing as the Melting Pot. After my mom died my grandma and I still went to Red Lobster. It was our tradition. I am grateful that this year my best guy friend Derrick took me to Red Lobster for an early birthday celebration. I am so grateful for my friendship with him over the years. He is a great man. I also love his wife. I love his whole family and feel blessed. It was so thoughtful of him to take me there.
I am working really hard right now on living a truly authentic life. Not everyone is really on board with this choice. People are use to me just going along with how they feel or holding my own feelings inside but I have found that by doing so that destroys me. I have been a people pleaser from a VERY early age. With an alcoholic mom you learn to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay. Now I am realizing that everything is NOT okay. And, as weird as this sounds, I am realizing that even that is okay. If my friends can't accept me for me then they aren't true friends to begin with. As long as I am not hurting other people's feelings (which I am not, I am so mindful of that) then it is okay if my opinion or belief is different than theirs. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong.
There is a lot of healing to be done but I am doing it. I have truly learned that I CAN do hard things. I am doing hard things. I have done hard things my whole life. It isn't easy all of the time. In fact it rarely is but if I am to be who God intends me to be I have to trust Him and let Him lead me. Even if people don't agree with my choices. It doesn't matter. I am sure people didn't agree with Noah building an ark. I am sure most thought he was silly. I am sure few had confidence that David would kill Goliath. By all accounts this never should have happened. Goliath was much bigger than David. But Goliath was no match for David's faith. I am sure everyone thought Daniel would die when he was thrown into the lion's den but he didn't. God's plan for his life was much stronger than those who planned his demise.
I am in no way comparing myself to these amazing men. But I do believe that when we are doing what is right not everyone will agree. I remember when I made the choice to move to Utah. Hardly anyone was supportive. It definitely wasn't what I had planned for my life. All I was planning on doing was going to Women's Conference for those few days and visiting my dear friend Emily who is truly a sister to me. The interesting thing too was that it was a spur of the moment decision to even go to Women's conference. I had always wanted to go but the timing was always off because I was in school. But this year I decided to go.
As I was sitting through the first day of class I had a feeling I needed to move to Utah. Utah was the one place I told the Lord I would never live. Be really careful what you tell the Lord you will never do. That may very well be what is required of you! After the first day I came home and told Emily. Em has always been supportive and she told me to just keep praying about it. That is exactly what I did. I went the second day and the feeling got stronger. By the end of the week I found a room for rent for only $150 a month including utilities for the summer. Yes you read that right only $150! The former roommate had gotten married but still had her lease for summer so she paid half and I paid half. At this point I hadn't even met my roommates.
My friend of many years (I think we are almost at 20 now) lived right down the street from me. He and I had met in youth guides and also served our two week mission together. It was great having him so near. So I spent a little more time in Utah and then went back to Arizona. I was a bit nervous to tell my friends. I knew just about everyone would be a bit disappointed. There were so many different comments I got. I will just say that most of them were not exactly supportive of me moving to Utah. My grandma was probably the most vocal.
Again it was never my plan to move and certainly not then. So I came back to Arizona and saw my friends. I put what I needed to in storage and right before I moved I ran into a lot of opposition. One was literal. My friend was vaccuming and I went under the cord and ran straight into her coach. I needed 4 stitches right above my eye. (Oh and head wounds bleed like crazy) Her daughter was also in the hospital and since her daughter was like my niece I had to wait and make sure she made it out okay. Then I was finally ready to leave. My friend Jon (who was the one who I would be right around the corner from in Utah) decided to drive up with me. We had fun stopping along the way and picking flowers while cows stared at us. (I kid you not, I have the pictures, they are hilarious!) I was super sad to be leaving behind my friends and venturing into the completely unknown universe of Provo, Utah. Trust me when I say it has a culture all of it's own.
When I got there I couldn't have been blessed with better roommates. My roommate Catherine and I were especially close. Ashley and I also had fun with our phase 10 marathons! In addition to great roommates, there was a house of guys that lived kitty corner from us. We had SO much fun with them! The ward was great. At this point though I still had no clue WHY I was suppose to be there. I was having a blast with my friends that I felt I had known all of my life but the whys still lingered in my mind.
By August I was beginning to worry. I knew I had to find a job and fast. I had met an owner of a scrapbook company who was really interested in my scrapbook pages and the color schemes I used. She wanted me to submit cards I had made. There was only one problem. I didn't make cards at that point of my life. (Now it seems like that's all I make) I did my best and turned them in but wasn't sure if I would get the job or not. I think I spent more on buying supplies from this particular brand than what I ever would have gotten paid.
A week later my dear friend Julie was in town. I had known Julie for several years before that. We had done a lot of pro family work together especially for International Voice for Youth. I had served as the Arizona chapter president and she had served as the ASU chapter president. We had become very close during that time. She wanted me to meet her friend Patrice who had a non profit organization. To make a long story short she ended up hiring me to be the Director of Operations for the Family Caucus. It was a perfect fit because I was only one math class short of having my degree in Family and Human Development.
My first job for her was scanning in business cards. Then I got a call from her that she was in New York at the National Republican Convention and she wanted me to fly down there and spend a few days with her, David (who I would later be working with) and Julie was also down there. That was an amazing experience I will never forget! The rest of the time I mainly researched issues impacting the family and attended local conferences.
The next year I went to CEDAW at the UN. CEDAW stands for the Convention to Eliminate Discrimination Against Women. Boy were my eyes opened at the UN. I saw some miracles happen. I also saw the scripture, "wo unto them who call light darkness and darkness light." come alive. It was also the epitome of secret combinations. I had the chance to talk to delegates about the importance of families and the sanctity of life. I sat through 5 1/2 hour meetings exhausted but it was amazing.
It was at that point I realized WHY I was in Utah. It wasn't all fun, in fact most of it was hard work. Yet this is work I am passionate about so it was worth it to me.
So what is my point sharing this incredibly long story? We will all have times in our lives when the Lord asks us to do something and we have no idea WHY. Others around us may mock us or openly disagree with what we are doing but if we know that God has asked it of us, nothing else should matter. The pieces won't always come together as easily as they did for me. This was one of those burning bush experiences in my life. I had the choice of whether or not I moved to Utah but I knew if I didn't it would extremely alter the course of my life.
This is a time and season in my life where I feel the same thing. Although I am not quite sure what will be required of me or when I am preparing myself to be ready emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other aspect. I can see how much those experiences prepared me for life now.
Those who know me know how imperfect I am. I constantly fall short of the mark. The beauty of God's grace is that He doesn't just make up the difference He is ALL the difference. On my own I know I can't accomplish what He asks of me but with Him by my side ALL things are possible.
Just like I felt right before my grandma died the verse in the Bible that says, "ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord.". It is true. Also just as the Spirit whispered during that tumultuous time, "Debbie what part of ALL don't you understand?" That is true too. There are no exemptions. No one has fallen too far away from His mercy and grace. We are the ones who keep ourselves from it.
If you happen to be reading this it is no accident. Our loving Father in Heaven has BIG plans in store for you too. Many times they will take you out of your comfort zone and stretch your growth. But always remember He loves you and knows what is best for you. He is there through the good and the bad.
Just for today I choose to remember the Lord keeps all of His promises. I choose to follow HIS plan for my life even when it's not nearly what I had planned. I choose to trust Him even when it's hard. I choose to believe healing is on the way. Just for today I choose to remember that I am His daughter and He loves me and will never abandon me. That brings me great JOY!
Well the night before I started feeling kind of sick. No big deal, I thought, after all I do have endometriosis and sometimes I get super nauseated and am in pain. I tried to sleep but to no avail. The next morning after no sleep I felt even worse. Then I started projectile vomiting. Luckily I made it to the toilet. I was very sick. I get nauseated often and I vomit. For those who don't know what endo is: 1) It is NOT contagious so you don't need to worry about getting it from me. 2) It is partly caused by a hormonal imbalance which can make you nauseated at times between the odd hormones and the pain. 3) It is tissue that attaches itself to random places in your body. 4) It is extremely painful. There is much more but from that list you can see why I thought it was most likely endo.
So I have already broken some of those goals. Luckily I am feeling better today just exhausted. I am on anti nausea meds which are helpful. Thank God for zofran and phenergan. But now it is time for me to pick myself up again and keep moving forward.
I am learning a lot about progression. I am a huge perfectionist. I don't ever demand it from anyone else but I do for myself. It's silly because perfection is simply not attainable in this life. Often with perfectionism comes and all or nothing mentality. Either I have to do it perfectly all of the time or not do it at all. I am JUST beginning to see that and overcome that. Whatever you struggle with, it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. It's part of life. But the real test is how you handle those mistakes. Do you let them get you down for a long time and just give up on your goals? Or do you get up as quick as possible, dust yourself off and recommit to your goals and progress?
This is such an interesting season in my life. I can feel HUGE changes like I have never felt before. There are so many changes I am making in my life and many more to come. I realize every day that I have so much to be grateful for. It is so easy to see what is lacking right now in my life. I don't just mean materialistically. For me things are just things. Although I always feel secure when I have what I need. But it goes much deeper than that. I want to be a wife and mom. I want this more than anything. Right now I have to be content with what has been allotted to me and at times that is very hard. Some people tell me just to get over it but my guess is they have a mom and a dad and sisters and brothers and other family members. I am VERY grateful for my cousins who I love and adore. I am grateful for an aunt on my mom's side that I love. I am grateful for my aunt and uncle on my dad's side who are amazing to me and I feel blessed to have them in my life. It's just hard sometimes and that's okay. I don't know why people freak out when I am truthful about how I am feeling but this is my life.
I really really missed my grandma over my birthday. We always spent it together. When my mom was alive our tradition was always to celebrate our birthdays together. My mom's birthday was in July too. We would go to Red Lobster which was our family favorite. It still is one of my favorites but not quite as amazing as the Melting Pot. After my mom died my grandma and I still went to Red Lobster. It was our tradition. I am grateful that this year my best guy friend Derrick took me to Red Lobster for an early birthday celebration. I am so grateful for my friendship with him over the years. He is a great man. I also love his wife. I love his whole family and feel blessed. It was so thoughtful of him to take me there.
I am working really hard right now on living a truly authentic life. Not everyone is really on board with this choice. People are use to me just going along with how they feel or holding my own feelings inside but I have found that by doing so that destroys me. I have been a people pleaser from a VERY early age. With an alcoholic mom you learn to plaster a smile on your face and act like everything is okay. Now I am realizing that everything is NOT okay. And, as weird as this sounds, I am realizing that even that is okay. If my friends can't accept me for me then they aren't true friends to begin with. As long as I am not hurting other people's feelings (which I am not, I am so mindful of that) then it is okay if my opinion or belief is different than theirs. It doesn't make either one of us right or wrong.
There is a lot of healing to be done but I am doing it. I have truly learned that I CAN do hard things. I am doing hard things. I have done hard things my whole life. It isn't easy all of the time. In fact it rarely is but if I am to be who God intends me to be I have to trust Him and let Him lead me. Even if people don't agree with my choices. It doesn't matter. I am sure people didn't agree with Noah building an ark. I am sure most thought he was silly. I am sure few had confidence that David would kill Goliath. By all accounts this never should have happened. Goliath was much bigger than David. But Goliath was no match for David's faith. I am sure everyone thought Daniel would die when he was thrown into the lion's den but he didn't. God's plan for his life was much stronger than those who planned his demise.
I am in no way comparing myself to these amazing men. But I do believe that when we are doing what is right not everyone will agree. I remember when I made the choice to move to Utah. Hardly anyone was supportive. It definitely wasn't what I had planned for my life. All I was planning on doing was going to Women's Conference for those few days and visiting my dear friend Emily who is truly a sister to me. The interesting thing too was that it was a spur of the moment decision to even go to Women's conference. I had always wanted to go but the timing was always off because I was in school. But this year I decided to go.
As I was sitting through the first day of class I had a feeling I needed to move to Utah. Utah was the one place I told the Lord I would never live. Be really careful what you tell the Lord you will never do. That may very well be what is required of you! After the first day I came home and told Emily. Em has always been supportive and she told me to just keep praying about it. That is exactly what I did. I went the second day and the feeling got stronger. By the end of the week I found a room for rent for only $150 a month including utilities for the summer. Yes you read that right only $150! The former roommate had gotten married but still had her lease for summer so she paid half and I paid half. At this point I hadn't even met my roommates.
My friend of many years (I think we are almost at 20 now) lived right down the street from me. He and I had met in youth guides and also served our two week mission together. It was great having him so near. So I spent a little more time in Utah and then went back to Arizona. I was a bit nervous to tell my friends. I knew just about everyone would be a bit disappointed. There were so many different comments I got. I will just say that most of them were not exactly supportive of me moving to Utah. My grandma was probably the most vocal.
Again it was never my plan to move and certainly not then. So I came back to Arizona and saw my friends. I put what I needed to in storage and right before I moved I ran into a lot of opposition. One was literal. My friend was vaccuming and I went under the cord and ran straight into her coach. I needed 4 stitches right above my eye. (Oh and head wounds bleed like crazy) Her daughter was also in the hospital and since her daughter was like my niece I had to wait and make sure she made it out okay. Then I was finally ready to leave. My friend Jon (who was the one who I would be right around the corner from in Utah) decided to drive up with me. We had fun stopping along the way and picking flowers while cows stared at us. (I kid you not, I have the pictures, they are hilarious!) I was super sad to be leaving behind my friends and venturing into the completely unknown universe of Provo, Utah. Trust me when I say it has a culture all of it's own.
When I got there I couldn't have been blessed with better roommates. My roommate Catherine and I were especially close. Ashley and I also had fun with our phase 10 marathons! In addition to great roommates, there was a house of guys that lived kitty corner from us. We had SO much fun with them! The ward was great. At this point though I still had no clue WHY I was suppose to be there. I was having a blast with my friends that I felt I had known all of my life but the whys still lingered in my mind.
By August I was beginning to worry. I knew I had to find a job and fast. I had met an owner of a scrapbook company who was really interested in my scrapbook pages and the color schemes I used. She wanted me to submit cards I had made. There was only one problem. I didn't make cards at that point of my life. (Now it seems like that's all I make) I did my best and turned them in but wasn't sure if I would get the job or not. I think I spent more on buying supplies from this particular brand than what I ever would have gotten paid.
A week later my dear friend Julie was in town. I had known Julie for several years before that. We had done a lot of pro family work together especially for International Voice for Youth. I had served as the Arizona chapter president and she had served as the ASU chapter president. We had become very close during that time. She wanted me to meet her friend Patrice who had a non profit organization. To make a long story short she ended up hiring me to be the Director of Operations for the Family Caucus. It was a perfect fit because I was only one math class short of having my degree in Family and Human Development.
My first job for her was scanning in business cards. Then I got a call from her that she was in New York at the National Republican Convention and she wanted me to fly down there and spend a few days with her, David (who I would later be working with) and Julie was also down there. That was an amazing experience I will never forget! The rest of the time I mainly researched issues impacting the family and attended local conferences.
The next year I went to CEDAW at the UN. CEDAW stands for the Convention to Eliminate Discrimination Against Women. Boy were my eyes opened at the UN. I saw some miracles happen. I also saw the scripture, "wo unto them who call light darkness and darkness light." come alive. It was also the epitome of secret combinations. I had the chance to talk to delegates about the importance of families and the sanctity of life. I sat through 5 1/2 hour meetings exhausted but it was amazing.
It was at that point I realized WHY I was in Utah. It wasn't all fun, in fact most of it was hard work. Yet this is work I am passionate about so it was worth it to me.
So what is my point sharing this incredibly long story? We will all have times in our lives when the Lord asks us to do something and we have no idea WHY. Others around us may mock us or openly disagree with what we are doing but if we know that God has asked it of us, nothing else should matter. The pieces won't always come together as easily as they did for me. This was one of those burning bush experiences in my life. I had the choice of whether or not I moved to Utah but I knew if I didn't it would extremely alter the course of my life.
This is a time and season in my life where I feel the same thing. Although I am not quite sure what will be required of me or when I am preparing myself to be ready emotionally, physically, spiritually and in every other aspect. I can see how much those experiences prepared me for life now.
Those who know me know how imperfect I am. I constantly fall short of the mark. The beauty of God's grace is that He doesn't just make up the difference He is ALL the difference. On my own I know I can't accomplish what He asks of me but with Him by my side ALL things are possible.
Just like I felt right before my grandma died the verse in the Bible that says, "ALL things work together for good for those who love the Lord.". It is true. Also just as the Spirit whispered during that tumultuous time, "Debbie what part of ALL don't you understand?" That is true too. There are no exemptions. No one has fallen too far away from His mercy and grace. We are the ones who keep ourselves from it.
If you happen to be reading this it is no accident. Our loving Father in Heaven has BIG plans in store for you too. Many times they will take you out of your comfort zone and stretch your growth. But always remember He loves you and knows what is best for you. He is there through the good and the bad.
Just for today I choose to remember the Lord keeps all of His promises. I choose to follow HIS plan for my life even when it's not nearly what I had planned. I choose to trust Him even when it's hard. I choose to believe healing is on the way. Just for today I choose to remember that I am His daughter and He loves me and will never abandon me. That brings me great JOY!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
When it's time to change
I guess since it's past midnight today is technically my birthday. I have decided not to focus on this year that is gone but rather on an entire new year. A year of new beginnings. I feel like this will be the most powerful year of my life. Although I feel a bit like Peter Brady in the episode where his voice was changing and it cracks as he sings, "When it's time to change you've got to rearrange." in that voice that keeps cracking. Yes there is a time appointed to change and, for me. that time is now. This all sounds great but HOW am I going to change? I have decided to set a few goals that I will make public. Of course I will set some private ones too. :)
Okay. Set. Go. This is going to be a very interesting year. I am changing things in every aspect of my life. Here are some of my goals:
Physically
* Completely eliminate gluten from my diet for a year.
* Begin exercising daily
Spiritually
* Read scriptures every night without missing a day
* Read The Bible, The Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants all the way through
* Start every morning praying to do the will of the Lord
Mentally
* Finish writing my book, "The Path Back Home"
* Graduate from ASU with my Bachelor's in Family and Human Development with a minor in Sociology
Emotionally
* Stick through counseling even when it gets to the hard things
* Continue to seek out alternative therapy to heal
Misc.
* Become more organized
* Each week evaluate my goals and decide what I need to improve on and how I am progressing. Keep a written account of this.
So these are the goals. Of course they may be revised but I really want to stick as closely as I can to these. I am trying to keep it pretty simple so I don't get overwhelmed.
I talked to the dean of the College of Liberal Arts and Science. I have been so nervous since the one I was working with retired and I am dealing with someone completely different. It looks like my Spring semester will be 100% backdated to the first day of class so I am good there but I am still a bit worried about Fall. I know I did the best I could but it's still hard sometimes. I love the quote by Maya Angelou, " Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." This is so true. I am always looking to do better and be better but sometimes I just have to be content and do my best. Then I can have faith that I will learn a better way and do better. Sometimes it is just hanging on until then.
I am excited for a new year full of change. Change usually scares me but these changes are long past due. I am learning that I can either live in fear (which isn't really fully living) or I can choose faith. It's still not easy but most of the time I remember to choose faith. Really what I have been through the last few years has shown me that I can make it through anything. It has revealed my strengths and my greatest weaknesses. It has shown me what I still need to heal but has taught me to not become too overwhelmed with it all. Life is a journey. There are no fast forward buttons or rewind buttons. There are no pause or stop buttons. All we have is play which is good because I love to play! :)
I this year will bring more peace, joy, intimacy with those I love, security and true happiness. Just for today I choose to change. I am the only one who can control the choices I make in my life. I will choose joy. I will choose love. I will choose light. And when I make mistakes I will choose to make a U turn like I have been doing my whole life and get on the right track. I am learning to do this quicker which is true progress!
Okay. Set. Go. This is going to be a very interesting year. I am changing things in every aspect of my life. Here are some of my goals:
Physically
* Completely eliminate gluten from my diet for a year.
* Begin exercising daily
Spiritually
* Read scriptures every night without missing a day
* Read The Bible, The Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants all the way through
* Start every morning praying to do the will of the Lord
Mentally
* Finish writing my book, "The Path Back Home"
* Graduate from ASU with my Bachelor's in Family and Human Development with a minor in Sociology
Emotionally
* Stick through counseling even when it gets to the hard things
* Continue to seek out alternative therapy to heal
Misc.
* Become more organized
* Each week evaluate my goals and decide what I need to improve on and how I am progressing. Keep a written account of this.
So these are the goals. Of course they may be revised but I really want to stick as closely as I can to these. I am trying to keep it pretty simple so I don't get overwhelmed.
I talked to the dean of the College of Liberal Arts and Science. I have been so nervous since the one I was working with retired and I am dealing with someone completely different. It looks like my Spring semester will be 100% backdated to the first day of class so I am good there but I am still a bit worried about Fall. I know I did the best I could but it's still hard sometimes. I love the quote by Maya Angelou, " Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." This is so true. I am always looking to do better and be better but sometimes I just have to be content and do my best. Then I can have faith that I will learn a better way and do better. Sometimes it is just hanging on until then.
I am excited for a new year full of change. Change usually scares me but these changes are long past due. I am learning that I can either live in fear (which isn't really fully living) or I can choose faith. It's still not easy but most of the time I remember to choose faith. Really what I have been through the last few years has shown me that I can make it through anything. It has revealed my strengths and my greatest weaknesses. It has shown me what I still need to heal but has taught me to not become too overwhelmed with it all. Life is a journey. There are no fast forward buttons or rewind buttons. There are no pause or stop buttons. All we have is play which is good because I love to play! :)
I this year will bring more peace, joy, intimacy with those I love, security and true happiness. Just for today I choose to change. I am the only one who can control the choices I make in my life. I will choose joy. I will choose love. I will choose light. And when I make mistakes I will choose to make a U turn like I have been doing my whole life and get on the right track. I am learning to do this quicker which is true progress!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
My Name Is Debbie And I Am The Adult Daughter of An Alcoholic
It is hard to say those words. Especially to people I don't even know who are reading this but it is time. This is what I shared on my facebook and I wanted to share it here: I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My mom died 14 years ago today. I am at a point in my life where I am really facing the truth. She died of chronic alcohol use. Yes I am a daughter of 2 alcoholics. But I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. The only thing that has given me the strength to make it through the trials in my life is my personal experiences with my Savior. I know He is real. I know He loves me. I know He is in the business of changing not only individual lives but families. I know that through my choices I can purify my family lineage. It isn't easy. Some days are harder than others. But I am grateful for the power the atonement gives me to try harder and when I make mistakes to draw closer to my Savior. I am posting this so other people won't feel alone. Also as a reminder that whatever family we come from doesn't have to determine where we go in life. We can be the one to break the unhealthy patterns.
There is I said it. Why did I say it? Why now? The answer is simple. To help other people not feel so alone. To help even those who don't have alcoholism or drug addiction or any addiction for that matter in their family to know that there is still much to be done to heal previous generations. God has promised us great blessings if we choose to honor Him and break unhealthy patterns.
It is not easy. Being the daughter of two alcoholics, definitely took it's toll at times. I was responsible for things at a way too early age. Perfection was also always stressed and although I did do well in school (barring math), I didn't always get As. It is part of the reason I had an eating disorder.
Outside looking in, you would have never known. I learned at an early age that you slap a smile no your face no matter what is happening at home. You learn to smile through the most challenging circumstances. I think it throws doctors off when I am in horrendous pain and yet I appear normal. Old patterns are hard to die. I still have a hard time not putting on an act that everything is okay when I am hurting. I am grateful for friends like family who can see past those walls.
Last week I had a crazy day. I was just feeling emotionally drained after the ER being complete jerks and then the bank acting the same. I came home and the toilet overflowed. Thank goodness for people who talked me off the ledge. I just broke down and cried. I am still dealing with my grandma's death and my childhood which can be hard at times. I am grateful for my friends who talked my off that ledge. There was a metal thing on the side where I guess you turn the water off. She was absolutely floored that I had never heard of it or done it. I disolved in tears.
As I was wiping up the mess with towels, it just made me wonder how many more basic skills have I missed? Even though I try so very hard. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. There is so much I didn't learn as the daughter of a mentally ill alcoholic. But I am learning now. It is never too late to learn.
I didn't have any plans for this blog. But I feel it can help others not feel alone so feel free to share it. I know the path Children of Alcoholics, mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive parents have. But don't lose hope. Change is possible. Forget one day at a time. I need the grace of God one hour, one minute, one second of a time. I am grateful for His influence in my life as I start this journey. That He is gracious when I fall and His love never fails!
There is I said it. Why did I say it? Why now? The answer is simple. To help other people not feel so alone. To help even those who don't have alcoholism or drug addiction or any addiction for that matter in their family to know that there is still much to be done to heal previous generations. God has promised us great blessings if we choose to honor Him and break unhealthy patterns.
It is not easy. Being the daughter of two alcoholics, definitely took it's toll at times. I was responsible for things at a way too early age. Perfection was also always stressed and although I did do well in school (barring math), I didn't always get As. It is part of the reason I had an eating disorder.
Outside looking in, you would have never known. I learned at an early age that you slap a smile no your face no matter what is happening at home. You learn to smile through the most challenging circumstances. I think it throws doctors off when I am in horrendous pain and yet I appear normal. Old patterns are hard to die. I still have a hard time not putting on an act that everything is okay when I am hurting. I am grateful for friends like family who can see past those walls.
Last week I had a crazy day. I was just feeling emotionally drained after the ER being complete jerks and then the bank acting the same. I came home and the toilet overflowed. Thank goodness for people who talked me off the ledge. I just broke down and cried. I am still dealing with my grandma's death and my childhood which can be hard at times. I am grateful for my friends who talked my off that ledge. There was a metal thing on the side where I guess you turn the water off. She was absolutely floored that I had never heard of it or done it. I disolved in tears.
As I was wiping up the mess with towels, it just made me wonder how many more basic skills have I missed? Even though I try so very hard. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. There is so much I didn't learn as the daughter of a mentally ill alcoholic. But I am learning now. It is never too late to learn.
I didn't have any plans for this blog. But I feel it can help others not feel alone so feel free to share it. I know the path Children of Alcoholics, mentally, physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive parents have. But don't lose hope. Change is possible. Forget one day at a time. I need the grace of God one hour, one minute, one second of a time. I am grateful for His influence in my life as I start this journey. That He is gracious when I fall and His love never fails!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Breaking The Yoke of Generational Sins
Today I couldn't make it to church which really upset me. I had a cyst rupture again and I was super frustrated. I decided since I couldn't be at church I would pray that I would know what to listen to and that there would be a message for me. I ended up watching a sermon by Joel Osteen. I really like him although I don't think of him really as a pastor but kind of a motivational speaker. But today his message was really good.
Being the one who changes unhealthy patterns in your family of origin is hard. I won't sugar coat that. Part of the reason I decided to major in Family and Human Development was to better understand my own family issues. I definitely learned a lot. I am also grateful that my grandma in her later years was a lot more open. I believe secrets are toxic in families. They breed shame, anger and just tension of holding everything inside.
In my family there is 5 generations of pedophiles and sex abuse victims, many generations of domestic violence and a whole lot of unhealthy communication. At times these patterns seem pretty overwhelming as I try to heal these patterns.
Today as I was listening to his message, 2 things really stuck out. First, my Heavenly Father is SO aware of my needs. The song, "How Great Thou Art" was sung at my mom's funeral, my grandma's funeral and I even sung it at my friend's baptism ironically a few days before my grandma died. That song ALWAYS reminds me that God is aware of me and my needs. Music hits me really hard. It tends to stay with me for a very long time.
The second thing I learned is that when you change a pattern in your family you don't only get the blessings you would in your own life but you also get the blessings that were never redeem in their lives. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I have to say that I don't hold the past against anyone in my family. I truly believe they did their best. I finally learned they can do their best AND it can be inadequate and that's okay to say. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything is perfect.
Then I was watching something else and someone talked about how past sins can't destroy the mission we have in our lives. I REALLY struggled with that. I have definitely made choices I am not proud of. I have, at times, fallen. But every time I fall I get back up again. I am sad about the opportunities I may have missed to serve others and bring them closer to Christ. But I am so grateful for the grace of God that makes ALL things possible. Our God IS a God of redemption. He is a God of grace. He IS a God of mercy. We can rest in His grace. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the grace of God and knowing I have NEVER fallen too far from His grace. Nor have you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fall from His grace.
Being the one who changes unhealthy patterns in your family of origin is hard. I won't sugar coat that. Part of the reason I decided to major in Family and Human Development was to better understand my own family issues. I definitely learned a lot. I am also grateful that my grandma in her later years was a lot more open. I believe secrets are toxic in families. They breed shame, anger and just tension of holding everything inside.
In my family there is 5 generations of pedophiles and sex abuse victims, many generations of domestic violence and a whole lot of unhealthy communication. At times these patterns seem pretty overwhelming as I try to heal these patterns.
Today as I was listening to his message, 2 things really stuck out. First, my Heavenly Father is SO aware of my needs. The song, "How Great Thou Art" was sung at my mom's funeral, my grandma's funeral and I even sung it at my friend's baptism ironically a few days before my grandma died. That song ALWAYS reminds me that God is aware of me and my needs. Music hits me really hard. It tends to stay with me for a very long time.
The second thing I learned is that when you change a pattern in your family you don't only get the blessings you would in your own life but you also get the blessings that were never redeem in their lives. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I have to say that I don't hold the past against anyone in my family. I truly believe they did their best. I finally learned they can do their best AND it can be inadequate and that's okay to say. It's okay to acknowledge that not everything is perfect.
Then I was watching something else and someone talked about how past sins can't destroy the mission we have in our lives. I REALLY struggled with that. I have definitely made choices I am not proud of. I have, at times, fallen. But every time I fall I get back up again. I am sad about the opportunities I may have missed to serve others and bring them closer to Christ. But I am so grateful for the grace of God that makes ALL things possible. Our God IS a God of redemption. He is a God of grace. He IS a God of mercy. We can rest in His grace. Just for today I choose joy by focusing on the grace of God and knowing I have NEVER fallen too far from His grace. Nor have you. It is IMPOSSIBLE to fall from His grace.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Music is on my mind right now and change so I thought I would combine the two
As I go through various stages of life certain songs will just really resonate with me. Right now is one of those times. This first video really describes how I feel right now. It's called "Worn" by 10th Avenue North. Sometimes we just have to be reminded of this. If you are having a hard day or just need to be reminded of redemption this song is wonderful for that and for healing..."All that's dead inside will be reborn...though I'm worn"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA
Here are the words although I highly recommend watching the video or at least listening to the song:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
And the next song, "You Are More" is also by 10th Avenue North. This is honestly the most powerful music video I have ever seen because of what it symbolizes. At that time in my life I was going through a lot. I was REALLY questioning my worth. I had been subjected to quite a bit of verbal abuse and it threw me completely off balance. My worth had been tied for so long to my actions. It's so important to remember that our Savior is The Great I Am. Not The Great I Did. Or The Great I Didn't. I highly recommend watching this video and especially sharing it with youth. So much of our worth we tie to things the Lord doesn't. He loves us simply because we are His. How powerful is it to rest in that peace and be cradled in that knowledge. Here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are?
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
'Cause this is not about what you've done
But what's been done for you
This is not about where you've been
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel
But what He felt to forgive you
And what He felt to make you loved
You are more than the choices that you've made
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes
You are more than the problems you create
You've been remade
You've been remade
I am making it a personal goal to truly let the healing power of the atonement cleanse me. To remember my worth isn't tied to my past and things I did or failed to do. That our Lord is merciful and loves us truly beyond mortal comprehension. So just for today I choose joy. I choose joy because of the ability the Savior gave me to be made whole through Him. I choose joy because I am of infinite worth not because of anything I have done or haven't done but just because I am. And that is really powerful if you think about it!
It's those little things that remind us that we are healing
Healing is hard. I never thought it would be as intense as it is. Maybe that is why, for so long, I put it off. Oh I had gone to counseling, read literally hundreds of self help books and of course scriptures (which I don't regret) but I didn't want to go as deep as I needed to.
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
I was thinking about where I was a year ago. I am so grateful for the love and kindness of my sweet friend, Kelli, who let me stay with her last year for the summer. She truly was and always will be an angel to me. I was pretty broken during that time. Then I went through even more after my grandma got sick and died. For awhile it didn't seem like it would ever ease.
But it did and it is. Day by day it is getting easier. As I embrace change something I was so afraid of in the past. I heard that living in the past brings depression and worrying about the future brings anxiety. I realized I had spent a lot of time in both places. So now I am learning to BREATHE. I am learning to stay in the moment. I am learning, for the first time in my life, it's not my job to make everyone happy and take care of everyone. That it's time to heal me and by doing that I will be in a better position to help many others.
This has opened a whole new world for me. I am such a people pleaser. I had a very hard week last week. I just wanted to make everyone happy but I was hurting. This breakdown was really a break through for me. I was able to see what I need to change. Though the list may be long I am tackling it. I am working hard on facing my issues head on. It is hard some times. It's not ever comfortable but once I conquer a mountain each vista is worth it. I pray one day that my experiences will help others heal.
My counselor has told me that for all I have gone through, I have turned out pretty amazing. I have thought a lot about why. First, is definitely my faith in Christ. I wouldn't have made it through without Him. No doubt it has been a test of faith and trust. Second, my friends. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love so very much. They have been there through the hardest times. They have been there through the darkest times with their light. Their examples have blessed me in so many ways. So just for today I choose joy!
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