Progression Not Perfection

This has been on my mind A LOT! I have been a perfectionist my whole life. I was never satisfied in my classes with getting 95% on a test, I wanted a 100%. We won't be perfect in this life. It's not possible. Sometimes perfectionism can paralyze us and stunt our growth.

Last night I read this quote : “From the fall of Adam and Eve to the present, individuals and even entire cultures have made a variety of attempts to compensate for or to cover their inadequacies. Our obsessions with such things as physical appearance, acceptance, accomplishment, power, prominence, and prosperity (I would add Identity) are often attempts to deal with feelings of inadequacy and shame. The concern with covering ourselves in these ways is that in time, each proves inadequate to provide the protection and peace we hope for. At some point each of us must come to understand that there is no relationship in which we can rejoice, success we can celebrate, or possession we can appreciate that can take the place of a relationship with God and an understanding of the redemption made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Other solutions are much like fig leaves—they might provide a temporary solution to an immediate problem, but in the end they do not provide the protection we need or the salvation we seek.” He continues, ”Shame is one of the adversary’s most destructive tools and is unique among the related emotions of guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is feeling bad about something we have done or not done; embarrassment has to do with our feelings about how others see us. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are; it relates to how we see ourselves. “The deepest shame is not shame in the eyes of others but weakness in one’s own eyes.” ~ Daniel K. Judd

This is so true. In church on Sunday I thought about everyone who was there and all of the secrets held inside. Only things brought to the light can be fully healed. We have hidden things like addictions, codependency, abuse, and other incorrect traditions of the family. I believe that we can be the redemptive generation. We an be the ones that repair the breech. But that can't happen when we are hiding.

 I am grateful for the grace of God. Oh how grateful I am. It is only through Him that I can make it through mortality. It is only through Him that I can stand strong when the waves seem so overwhelming. As I have struggled with healing the past it has been through Him that I have found comfort and peace. 

I have tried very hard to find the joy in the darkest day. It is there. There are so many tender mercies I have experienced to ever think otherwise. I know that only when He is in the center of my healing will I ever fully heal. 

Waiting On The Lord

I haven't been able to sleep yet so I decided that I would blog. It's been awhile since I have because I had to get a new power cord. There has also been so much in my heart and on my mind.

There are two conference talks right now that come to mind as I think about trusting the Lord, His will and His perfect timing. One is entitled, "But If Not".  Here is the link and I highly recommend listening to it or reading it: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng . Here are a few of my favorite quotes:  "Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

Tonight as I was working on my family history it had a space that said find or add a spouse. Oh how much my heart longs for that. I want a family more than anything but the Lord has taught me that the timing has to be right and it has to be to the right man. 

There is so much I am struggling with right now. Right now I am praying my financial aid comes in on time so I can pay the grants back from Spring that I owe since I had to do a compassionate withdraw from my classes after my grandma died. Patience is not my strong suite. I also love stability and security but I realize that sometimes the Lord calls me out of that place of security. He calls me into a place of faith and trust. He teaches me to wait on Him and trust His plan to unfold.

The other talk right now that is on my mind was given in October 1999 conference by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. It is entitled, "A High Priest of Good Things to Come". Here is the link to that talk and again I highly recommend it. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/an-high-priest-of-good-things-to-come?lang=eng . This talk was given the general conference after my mom died very suddenly. It hit me with such great force as I was struggling and I have often relied on it during other times in my life.

This is the quote that keeps me going a lot, " Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."  I wish I knew the whys sometimes in life. I really do. I think we all wish sometimes in our lives we could really understand why things are happening or trying to be patient and wait on the Lord.  

I am so grateful that through Jesus Christ those blessings DO come. They come on His time table. They come in His way.

As I am confronting some pretty serious issues in my life I am learning again to have hope. I have pretty much my whole life but I lost sight of that the last few years of my life. My childhood was filled with some pretty heavy junk. But I know I can drop my burdens at His feet and I am learning to. Oh what a process that is for us in mortality. 

I find myself asking all of the time, "What do I have control over in this situation?" If the answer is nothing or I have done all I can do then I have to wait on the Lord. I have to trust that He sees the road ahead of me. That He has navigated mortality while I am still in my infancy learning how to be like Him. 

So for those of you struggling with anything, waiting on the Lord is the only way to lasting peace. Just for today I choose joy by waiting on the Lord. I choose to trust in HIS ways and HIS plans even when I don't understand the whys. In mortality we may never understand why things happen or don't happen. It has been painful to still be single. It has been painful to see my friends want righteous things so badly yet have those blessings delayed. I have seen friends struggle with infertility and wonder why. I have seen friends struggle with ongoing health issues without any resolution. I have seen friends struggle with the lingering affects of other people's agency. I have faith that when we wait on the Lord He never disappoints. He has our best interest at heart and knows who He is preparing us to become and that is like Him. How can we be pure and holy without going through the Refiner's fire?